Is this severe depression or pnd

[Gigimoll]

I had my little girl last April. I accidentally got caught out while on contraception when she was 9 weeks old. So now ds is almost here. I don't even feel like a good mom to my daughter never mind another so I've really considered adoption for him to give him the best life. Although it'd kill me, I love my children. I just feel like I'm not in the best place to even give my daughter what she needs.
My dp is jobless and useless. Doesn't help around the home. Doesn't help me with bills. Nothing. I'd love to give up work now due to sciatica in this pregnancy but I need all the overtime I can get to pay off the debt we got into for his Christmas present. (at the time he had a job and got fired a week after) so I got buggar all but a hefty debt to pay off. I've thankfully managed to cunjure up enough to buy bottles etc and clothes for him and replace a few of my dds which have been ruined from diarrhea. I've gone without and dp is sat there on his arse complaining at me he feels ill and wants another game. You wouldn't believe I was talking about an almost 30 year old would you?

Anyway. I feel worthless. I loose my rag and snap and it was at my dd earlier and I feel like I'm not a good mom to her. She's my pride and joy and I do everything I can for her.

I just feel shit. I have no money cause it goes on my children and I'm in desperate need for a bra. But even if I did have money, I couldn't justify it to myself anymore because I don't deserve it. I don't feel nice anymore about myself or like I want to go outside. I don't want to see people. I just stay at home and clean up dps massive mess even when I've worked all day and I'm aching terrible from rheumatoid arthritis. I have no help and this just makes me think asking him would be unreasonable as he has a huge tantrum over it cause he's 'busy' on a game. He's always 'busy'.

I need to see a doctor I think but i think they'd just class me insane for wanting to throw myself down the stairs occasionally. Of course I never would. But I just feel like I could.

You are not worthless. Go to your GP be totally honest about how you're feeling.

Do you have a friend or relative you could talk to and confide in?

You might not be in the right place to feel able to think about leaving your dp but it reads as if he contributes to your u happiness and maybe you would be happier just you and your kids.

Not really. I'm quite private when I'm not anonymous on social media so I wouldn't even tell my mom. She just tells me to eat vegan so there's just no point. My best friend Is all wrapped up in this guy from work and it's all she wants to talk about. I just feel so lost with myself

Perhaps write everything down so you can show your GP or midwife.

How far into pregnancy are you? Are you seeing a midwife?

You need to tell someone. Focus on it being the best thing for your DD. If you are well and happier you will be the best mum you can be.

Do you want to stay with your partner?

I do and I don't want to stay with him. I sorta had a realisation at work the other day. I was sat there and all of a sudden just wanted to cut my hair. Feel nice for once for the first time in months and then I came home and just everything crumbled. All my feelings and motivation just went and it was straight onto cleaning up after a man child.
If I don't stay with him my children have no hope. They'll be shoved on a bus for 3 hours (3 bus journeys) to his nans house to visit him away from everything and with no hope and I can't have that happen to them. He will never amount to anything. I just see him now as a leech draining everything from me.
For example, my brother committed suicide back in '15. He left behind his black cat which I took on. Anyway, he's making me get rid of the cat for allergies but apart from my dc, the cat is mainly the only annoying company I have but I still love her. But he's allergic and making himself sick and I'm really emetophobic. So it's just best to see if someone will take her on so I don't have to be moaned at that he wants to snap her neck. He can be vile. We were engaged. But I can't see us getting married and I doubt I even want to be his wife now.

Dear OP, I am truly sorry that you are feeling this way. Believe me as someone who has suffered from Depression as well as PND, you will certainly benefit from speaking to your GP or Midwife. I can assure you as soon as the dark cloud over your thoughts moves away, not only you will feel better but you will start seeing things more clearly and can make the right decisions to improve your life as well as your two beautiful DCs. Your next move should be making that appointment. Best of luck to you, there is always light at the end of the tunnel. 🤞🙏🏻

I feel so sorry for you. You sound absolutely at the end of your tether. It really sounds like you need to get out of that relationship to start with. Who owns the house? Is it in joint names? You need someone to support you and someone you can talk to honestly. You can't afford counselling, is it possible your GP could refer you? Speak to your midwife, try and talk to your mother. If I were you, I would start thinking about how to get away from your partner and start afresh. It would be hard, but easier than waiting on him hand and foot.

I don't think you need treatment for depression, I think you need someone in your life who actually cares for you and supports you. I'm so sorry you feel so alone and lost.

Can you trust your midwife to tell her about your feelings of struggling? Can you talk to someone you trust?