My self destructive behaviour is ruining my life.

[storyofmylife0]

I don't really know where to start with this. I just need somewhere to write down the way I'm feeling and hopefully be able to talk to someone.

It's 1pm and I'm yet to get out of bed. I honestly feel at such a loss that i don't know how i'm supposed to make anything better. I seem to ruin everything good around me with my own self destructive behaviour, and it's almost like i'm actively set out on trying to destroy myself. I honestly want to give up because i despise myself so much and i feel like i come back to this point so many times.

I have a massive problem with alcohol. I'm aware of this and yet i'm doing absolutely nothing about it. Every now and again on a night out i'll take cocaine or mdma, purely because i'm already so wasted that i don't really know what i am doing. I have no control when i drink, and will just much keep going until i black out and no longer have to think or feel.

I'm pretty sure i'm depressed. I was put on anti depressants a few years ago, twice, but each time i took myself off them after a few weeks. I used to self harm regularly, and still do on the odd occasion, but i seemed to have replaced that with drinking until i'm numb instead now. I honestly hate myself and the choices i have made throughout my life, yet i am continuing to ruin my health, my life, my relationships / friendships by repeating the same behaviour.

I'm due to start a new job in 2 weeks time and i am not ready for it. I'm in so much debt, from taking out loans so that i can go out and get wasted, which i'm struggling to pay. It's honestly making me feel ill because of how stressed and worried i am. I don't sleep. I just drink and cry and think about how everything would be easier if i wasn't around.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to make things better

Do you have anyone you can turn to in real life?

Something really jumped out at me in your post - you say you are ruining your life, but you managed to get a new job! That's an achievement worth celebrating.

What do you need to do today? What can you accomplish, even if only simple or small?

athing Not really. I've spoken to a couple of people i currently work with, but i just don't think they understand the extent of how i feel. I guess there's nothing they can do or say anyway that would make any difference.

I know this is true. I'm just concerned that i'm going to screw it up before i really begin. My mindset is not in a place where i feel i can cope with meeting new people and learning something new. Even the thought of getting the bus every day is freaking me out.

There's lots i should be doing today. I just don't have the energy. I've been awake since 2:30am because it's just impossible to sleep and i feel so exhausted.

The alcohol,stops working after a while.i.t stops numbing everything,it stops you getting pissed as easily,so me for example would need to drink 2 tumblers full of sherry ,to get the hit one small measure gave me a while back.when you find yourself looking at the alcohol,trying to find the highest percentage for the cheepest price,you know you have a problem..if you still have yr antidepressants,could you try again with them,and get a gp appointment for another prescription

The waking at 2.30 happens to me too...I used to drink to fall in to a deep sleep...now it dosnt keep me asleep,I too wake in the early hours ,and then can't sleep..it's awful and I totally understand xx

I remember feeling like this. It went on for too long and I took a desperate downward spiral and ended up in rehab. I stopped taking drink and drugs and as a result, I wasn't depressed anymore and I wanted to get up and out in the morning.
It was a long process, I spent 9 months in treatment, 4 years in a sober living community and then life just kicked in around me.
Keeping a diary is a good place to start. Writing things down everyday stopped me worrying about everything and helped clear my mind so I could sleep.
AA meetings are great, I found CA even better, you will be welcomed and meet fantastic people (if you fancied stopping drinking /drugging)
Be kind to yourself and ask for help, life isn't always easy but you can change things for the better.

Thank you both so much for your responses. I've been feeling like i have a little more clarity last night and this morning. I know what i'm doing to myself is only going to make things worse, it's just incredibly hard, whilst admitting that, to actually decide to make a change and attempt to move on with things.

I've been debating looking into counselling because for me talking makes a massive difference to how my entire day goes. I'll definitely think about starting a diary and jotting things down too.

I know i can't continue like this when i start a new job, because within a week i know i won't have one to go back too..

I really appreciate the advice

I always felt a new job was going to be a new start but after about 3 months I'd go out, drink to blackout and feel too humiliated to go back! I'm 38 and had close to 50 jobs.
Wishing you all the best, counselling is a great idea. AA/CA meetings are most days in every area if you feel you need somebody to talk to more quickly.