I’m so sad

[Bellabluea]

And lonely in a houseful of people.
I’m tired of being strong.
I’m not strong.
Do you ever feel like you could run away and hide for a month?
I just want to sleep all the time because when I’m asleep I can’t feel anything.
My teenage daughter has mental health issues, I’m always on alert. I’m always worried. She self harms, is awful to me, won’t speak to anyone when I try to get her help and I’m so so tired.
It’s been 3 years since she took an overdose aged 11.
I don’t want anyone to help me. I just want to write it down.

Oh OP. It's hard, isn't it? Feel free to rant all you like, because I know from experience that simply spilling it out can be very therapeutic.

You may feel like you can't go on. But remember that you've survived every single one of your worst days so far. Proof? You're still here. If you can survive all those days, you can survive this one too.

Please don’t think you’re alone although I know it must feel like it. I too often feel low. I have a busy household and just feel that I want to be on my own. I also feel overwhelmed as a single mum with teenagers it feels like whatever I do is never enough. I spend a lot of time thinking I’d like to run away from it all but I know it’s just the frustration of every day life. I sleep often too as you say it’s the only time you can feel nothing. I put a brave face on things but it is exhausting. I wonder why it is that I’m like this and other people seem to have everything together! Is there anyone in your family that could help with your daughters problems so you both have support? You shouldn’t be afraid to ask. Sending you lots of love x

I'm sorry you are going through this. It must be so difficult. I know you say you don't want any help but it might be good to contact a support agency for yourself. It might be good to speak to someone impartial and be positive for your daughter to see you seeking support. I'm sure you have thought of that already though. Thoughts are with you

Oh. Thank you so much. You made me cry again.
She got angry and cut all her beautiful hair off in a rage.
I’ve fixed it with the help of a very lovely hairdresser friend but I get no thanks, nothing. She’s vile to us all.

My husband has no clue what to do, he’s great when they’re little but clueless with emotions. I’m so angry and resentful that it’s all on me. I told him I was sad earlier when he asked me what was wrong and he just looked at me and hasn’t mentioned it since.
Knob.
He’s not a knob. He’s just clueless.
She’s broken all her counsellors. Cahms ones said they can’t help her if she won’t speak.
I’ve been nothing but kind, loving, understanding...
I have other children who are delightful but at time moment I just don’t see the point in anything.

Nobody is "strong", really. Everybody feels knocked for six when they are facing something as overwhelming as what you are going through, and people just cope as best they can, because they have to. I always worry that it puts pressure on people to keep wittering admiringly about how "strong" they are.

I can't imagine how terrifying it must be to have your daughter take an overdose at 11, or how heartbreaking to see her go through counsellors without being able to open up, or cut off all her beautiful hair. It sounds like hell on earth. You need a proper break, but I'm guessing there's nobody you can leave her with that can handle her to the extent that it would actually be a break rather than just worrying about her?

Just a thought, and not sure how you would go about it but I wonder if she would take to art therapy or music therapy?

She goes to a special school as she can’t handle mainstream - she’s very bright but it’s the people.
Everyday I wonder what I’m coming home to after work.
I think I’ll be ok.
I just had a bit of a crazy melt down there....
I think I need to address things with my husband but I can’t see anything changing, it’s not in him to understand. He’s not a deep person.

There has been many times I've wanted to run away, or go to bed with my head under the duvet. Life is defently shit sometimes.

This is a really good place to have a meltdown. You can do it as often as you like. There is always someone listening

have you thought about carers' support groups in your area? I'm no expert, but you could talk to MIND, or ask CAMHS if they know of anything. It might be helpful to have a few people on the end of the phone, or to have a coffee and a cry with, if your dh is not naturally given to the deep and meaningful

She was offered it but wouldn’t go.
I waited months for appts with psychiatrists/ counsellors, even paid for hypnotherapy!
She goes in, refuses to speak and despite that probably being their fucking job - they just say if she wont engage they can’t help.
Then I think why the fuck do I fight for her when she won’t help herself.
But I do because it’s my job.
I always will.
No matter how vile she is, and how much I sometimes don’t like her - maybe sometimes I imagine what it would have been like if she hadn’t been born. She’s so sad and broken.... then I hate myself for thinking it.

She’s also non compliant with meds. Short of forcing them down her throat, I dont see how I can get her to take them.

Apologies for the swearing.
It’s actually good to get it out.

I’ve looked at groups, there’s a great one but it’s on when I’m at work.
My job is intense but it takes me away from the shit and actually keeps me going.
I have a crisis appt with cahms. In a month.
I made it at Christmas when I walked in to her shredding her arms with a razor and smiling at me while she squeezed the blood out.
That was a high point in my life.

Don't feel that your alone. I know it feels that way when your struggling. I feel isolated at the moment as much going on and I'm struggling. I find the Samaritans are good to talk to and always there what ever time day or night. Your dealing with so much you need some support too

You don't have to like her when she's putting you through hell. You're a human being too and you didn't ask for your life to become all about mental illness and self-harm and being on permanent red alert. You are allowed to have your own feelings about it.

Oh bellabluea I'm so very sorry to hear what you're going through with your daughter. My daughter also refused to accept any help and won't talk about it. I wasn't coping and like you on high alert all the time it is exhausting and lonely and like you my husband wasn't any help as at a loss too. I got help for me I figured if I am the captain of the ship and if I went down the ship went down. Being a mum is the hardest job in the world don't lose faith and learn to start looking after you. Much love 💐

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I can relate to a lot of it. Looking after yourself is vital, as i have found out, and others have said. It is too easy to let your life be taken over by the needs and demands of others to the point where you can barely function. Also, if you are relatively happy and coping, it has a knock on effect. Otherwise everyone in the house is struggling with depression and demotivated.

Thanks all. I’m feeling strong today.
My dd and I had a big chat after I walked in on her cutting her arms.
I shouted (raised my voice - kids were asleep ) called her selfish, lots of other things I’m not proud of and walked out.
Then went back in with tissues to clean her up.
She told me she loves me so much and appreciates me but her brain makes her hate herself and she’s scared because she can’t help it.
Tomorrow I’m saying sod the money and making an appointment to see a private psychiatrist for a proper assessment. No, we can’t afford it but that’s what credit cards are for and that’s what parents do for their children. Nothing is more important than this.
My baby is suffering, she admits she has never had anything traumatic happen to her in her life, never had anyone really ‘give’ her low self worth... maybe in some ways it would be better if she had. At least we would know where to start?
‘D’h is another matter. After I caught her cutting I came into our room and told him, he pulled a ‘shit’ face and closed his eyes again. Really???? Is he for real??
So I muttered something about guessing I get to deal with it again and he’s now lying asleep beside me while I sit here dying inside.
Aghhhhh.
Anyway. He can’t be my focus. Getting her well is everything for my sanity as much as hers to be honest.

Oh you amazing woman, you handled it so well don't worry about the shouting, she will know that that was because you were shocked and frightened to see her hurting herself. What you did afterwards and the fact that she has opened up and told you what is going on in her head, that is the best thing you could have hoped for at this point.

I think getting her to a psychiatrist is absolutely the right way forward and you will both feel better knowing that something positive is being done to help her get to a better place. Keep talking to her. And I hope your dh wakes up and cops himself on so he can support you too.

My dh's mother walked in on him cutting himself when she was a teenager. She walked straight out again and not a word was ever said about it. Your daughter is lucky to have you

*he, not she

Thanks, it’s not the first time. Last time she had scissors and I had to fight them off her resulting in injury to us both. Not my greatest moment.
Both times it has resulted in me just hugging her and a long heart to heart because I just need to understand.
This has all been going on since she was 11 - so 3 years, and it breaks my heart to see her destroying her life.
She hasnt been to school this week, she has previously stayed off for 8 months and we’ve been up to 90% attendance which is amazing.
God, she’s so articulate and bright. It kills me that she can’t see it.
Thanks for replying. It’s nice to just talk.

It must be so incredibly hard. I've been through nasty bullying with ds1 and it nearly killed me, but nothing as frightening and painful as this. You're doing everything you can, I know it probably doesn't feel like it, but when she gets through this and moves forward with her life, she will always know that her Mum was there for her and did everything she could to support her.

Thank you so much.
Bullying must have broken your heart. It’s feeling helpless that the worst part isn’t it? I bet you just wanted to wrap her in cotton wool and keep her safe.

I have three other daughters, one at uni, very mature, level headed, never made a bad decision in her life. My little primary age girls who are happy little things who keep me going to be honest.

I’m still not at a place where I can ever imagine dd2 to have a ‘normal’ life.

Thanks again. Sincerely. For replying. Sometimes it’s easier to talk to a stranger.