living with parents at 28 and depression

[lauren890]

Warning long post!!
I’m 28 years old and I feel like a complete failure. I lost my job 18 months ago, I have anxiety and panic attacks when I have to speak to new people, I’m overweight which makes me very self-conscious, I don’t have a family or even a boyfriend. I still live with my parents – is this unusual I suppose but I have never wanted to leave them not because I am unable to but because I love them so much (I know I sound pathetic). My mum is my best friend and the thought of not seeing her everyday kills me, I’m not lazy or freeloading before I lost my job I used to pay my parents £500 a month, my mum always tried to give it back to me but I insisted she take it, I also do all the cooking and my own washing and ironing. I could have rented a flat near them for £800 a month. Why didn’t I? I hate being alone, my brother moved out at 24 to be with his girlfriend and moved 200 miles away but they didn’t like being so far away and came back a year later then split up and he now rents a flat about 10 minutes away but he is so lonely, why would I want to do that to myself? I am going through a bout of depression at the moment which started when I lost my job, for the last 18 months I have sat at home with only my dog for company, I sleep in until 12 then watch telly and apply for jobs waiting for my mum to return. I don’t have any friends, I never had many but the ones I did have left me – I work in a children’s home so I don’t really meet any new people. As for meeting a boyfriend/husband I have had a few relationships but they never seem to last for longer than a few months, there has only ever been one man who I could have imagined spending the rest of my life with but he wasn’t interested and went out with my best mate instead they’re married and travelling the world (I don’t see or hear from them anymore). The thing that scares me the most time, I can’t believe that I was 18 TEN years ago I remember it like it was yesterday these ten years seem to have gone by so fast but I seem to be back where I started when I left school. I don’t want to waste another 10 years and be pushing 40 with nothing to show for it. I’m so worried I’ve left everything too late. I know it sounds stupid but I feel like I always need someone to look after me is it wrong to stay with my parents until I find a man. I guess I am just looking for a bit of advice, sympathy or anyone in a similar situation? Sometimes I think I am not normal and the world would be better if I wasn’t in it.

Ok op first STOP worrying about living with your parents, that is fine as long as they are happy and you are, kick that worry away for good.

Forget the partner issue for now it will happen when it happens, don't waste time on things out of your control.

Make a GP appointment to see if you need ADs and can get on the list for cognitive therapy.

Get your diary out and make a routine for your days, below is my recommendation.

Re job, you would probably benefit from a job around people that does not give you too much time for introspection, from your post you are spending far too much time sleeping in and waiting for your DM to return,
so set your alarm for 8.30, with the aim to get showered and fed and ready to start the day by 9.30am.

Take the dog for a brisk walk that will help your mood,

Then job hunt online, send out your CV, call anyone you know who may be able to help you,.. work solidly... until lunchtime, at least a couple of hours jobhunting, go for anything that you can do, it can be a stopgap if need be, but aim for a job as soon as possible.

Get yourself a healthy salad or soup for lunch, take 30 minutes or so then a brisk 30 min dog walk, this should keep your mood up, and your dog will be delighted!

Try and socialise with a friend or volunteer somewhere afternoons to make new friends, if there is nothing going on, continue jobhunting until say 5pm, then another brisk walk. You will then be able to look forward to seeing DM to discuss your day.

You may not enjoy a routine to begin with, but JUST DO IT (or your version of it)
Don't think about it, just stick to the routine and concentrate only on the bit you are actually doing, ie jobhunting, full focus, move on to energising walk, forget jobhunting and enjoy the exercise, focus on your dog. Enjoy lunch, then make an effort to forget food until the next meal, and focus on the next bit of your routine.

If you do this your weight will improve automatically so don't worry about that yet. Sort your mood and motivation. Fake it until you feel better.

Once you have sorted your routine in the day, plan social evening activities, do classes to meet new people, go to a gentle excercise class, yoga?, out with friends, forget those who make you feel down, they are in your past and don't matter now.

You are right time goes very fast, stop thinking, start focussing on LIVING your life, Find that diary and start now. Good luck

Thanks for your reply dragongirl and for all the advice I will try to start a routine on Monday. It’s just I had so many opportunities in life and I have wasted them all, I had an amazing childhood which my parents provided and it wasn’t easy for them, I just can’t shake off this feeling of letting them down - I can see how proud they are of my brother and I wish they would look at me like that. I thought I had life planned out get married at 23 kids by 25 but it just hasn’t happened.

Being 28 and still living at home is not a crime. It wasn't until a few decades ago when moving out at 18 became more popular, which i guess was pushed by more people going off to university. Infact its done a u-turn now where a lot of graduates are moving back home either to save up simply because they can't afford living costs yet.

You are undergoing a temporal set back, we all go through that, but things will change honestly, you are doing all the right things job hunting, volunteering, the right thing will come up soon enough. Good luck

OP getting married and having kids bu a certain age is a waste of energy as you simply cannot control those things, they will probably happen but maybe not untill you are 38 !

Surely you can make your lovely parents proud by being happy and sucessful whether you are a hairdresser or doctor.....they just want you to be happy.

You need to focus on what YOU want to be , what person you want to grow into , what your interests and skills are, what sort of workplace you want to be in and start taking steps towards that,

along the way you may well meet The One, but the secret to fullfillment is to be happy yourself, no man can do that for you, please start getting out in the world, talk to everyone, think hard about who you are......forget the past, your future starts today, you are only 28!