I have had BPD (Borderline PD) issues emerging since my teens and when old enough for diagnosis i was diagnosed. Back then I was living in a poor town and faced a lot of stigma in mental health services for it. was drugged and left to cope with very little real help until in my late 20s when i moved away and was offered DBT. This has been a help to me. And i started having nicer workers. My DBT therapist was very kind...
Fast forward to the past 2 years... I have gone from beig treated with compassion kindness and patience to no wbeing treated with irritation, like i am a fake and a fraud. It i slike it used to be in the old days where i used to live, except even worse because now even the receptionsists do not like me.
I did find DBT helpful in many ways but i have had soem additional issues which the DBT was not so effective for. I have improved in some ways and relapsed in other ways. I admit my fear of abandonment or not being taken seriously has led to me exaggerating and even lying at times. So yes, i understand why they do not like me much. and even with it sometimes being a symptom of BPD (not everyone with BPD lies, but it is known symptom for some. identity issues and fearof abandonment are the main pillars on which this illness stands and some people lie to cope with those). BUT.....
Right from the start, even before i started lying it was known to MH services that i had a long trauma history in my childhood of myriad kinds of abuse, the worst of it from a parent. I have gone back to my DBT therapist who seems irritated with me these days for not being "cured" yet- i sense it in her voice and face. But she does, or i thought she did, believe me re: my childhood. Well, I have been triggered recently regarding my dad and today i called teh CPN and ended up sobbing on the phone. I di dnot feel i could tell the CPN about my dad, because she has never taken that seriously so i mentioned a sexual assault i went through as a child. She started questioning whether it was true? She says "you did not tell your DBT therapist this." I said "yes i did, it is in my notes." I had been sefl harming again and she told me "well, if you cut, it isn't going to kill you." I mentioned i was in distress and she laughed and said "no you are not....!"
I have been hospitalised recently with BPD and taken an overdose recently (and many in the past) but she still maintains that my behaviour is just tantrums" and not real PTSD. i tell her my DBT therapist says BPD is usually trauma related but she says "maybe it isn't caused by that." All i know is that i am terrified of my dad and become very panicky and fearful around him- he gaslights, scapegoats, screams threats and hits sometimes. Back in June before i started working with this CPN i had a brealdown and was in hospital. I was told by the duty psychiatrist i appeared to have CPTSD as well as BPD and she recommended trauma therapy.....i never got it- just more DBT... And DBT has been good for me generally, but I feel I need help dealing with the fear of my father. i also have a lot of social anxiety, dissociative episodes and get very obsessive. I fear people are angry with me and i do not trust anyone easily....i really feel sometimes like i wish i could hit an artery and die. I am not sure i want to be dead though, i just want to be heard and accepted.
My DBT therapist has tried to teach me self-validation and self care but when someone flat out questions me about the abuse I go nuts... and i get scared i wil hurt someone. i am pretty sure i am not faking my symptoms so why does my CPN think i am???