Can anyone help or is it just me?

[littlecat10]

I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. I guess I've always had a tendency towards an "anxious" personality but it's definitely worsened as I've got older.

I guess the breaking point, which I've never came back from, was when my husband decided about 5 years ago that he wanted us to separate. We would've been married twenty years this year. There wasn't anyone else involved, no dramatic underlying reasons. My world crumbled.

Personally I just think he was having some crazy mid life crisis. We have always remained good friends and still spend time together (whether that is helpful to the situation I don't know) and none of us has embarked on any other relationships. Probably the only reason that we've not ended up back together is that his ultra stubborn personality would never allow him to go back on a decision he'd already made.

Anyway my anxiety went off the rails at that point and it took me a long time to be able to just function as a normal person from day to day. I'm honestly surprised that I even made it out the other end as I frequently felt I couldn't go on.

In the years since then I feel as if every time I level out a bit there's something else just waiting to happen. Amongst other things ....
My Dad died very suddenly and unexpectedly.
I lost two of my dear pets within the space of just over a month.
I almost lost my job in a saga which dragged on for over a year.
I then moved job to get away from the people who were potentially a threat to me in the workplace.
My son, who is still at home lost his job and has been out of work for almost a year now, despite his best efforts at trying to find another job.

I've pretty much isolated myself from the outside world. I go to work, see my Mum, speak back and forth with the estranged husband and that's about it.

The anxiety never really leaves but sometimes it's so much worse than other times. It's not even a particular type of anxiety or particular situation that triggers it that I could describe. Sometimes I even just wake up in that state and don't know the reason why. It probably all sounds completely ridiculous.

Shops frighten me. Lots of people frighten me. But being alone frightens me too. And even being in my own house sometimes is too much.
Fears of losing things or not remembering where things are.
Fears of throwing out something or parting with something, however insignificant.
Fears of forgetting memories that are special or fears of never having that opportunity again.
Some of the things that send me into a panic attack and leave me in a state of high anxiety for the rest of the day would be completely absurd to the "normal" person.

I was on Fluoxetine for a period of time and this did help somewhat. It didn't make it go away completely but it did lessen the episodes to a degree.

Currently I'm back at rock bottom with this and seriously struggling to cope. I feel completely alone which obviously makes things even worse. I've have spent the last few nights pacing the floor waiting for daylight as the night is too much to deal with.

I really don't know what to do anymore as I don't want to feel this way forever. But I also don't want to spend my whole life on medication just to try to be "normal"

Sorry this is a bit long-winded!

It feels like it won’t but it does. I was exactly the same as you. I lost a stone in just a few weeks, I couldn’t see a way out but it really does go away. Diazepam will just relax you. Don’t worry about that. Are the doctors going to see you again soon? Meanwhile just keep telling yourself this will pass and try out some relaxation methods and try to focus on other things no matter how hard it might be. Tell yourself it’s just anxiety, it’s not you.
Download some books on relieving anxiety too, they are a great help.

Might I ask, OP, if the GP has ever offered to refer you for Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (free on the NHS)? I have found it very helpful in the past.

There's also a free phone app, developed by Bristol University, for anxiety - that might be worth a try: sam-app.org.uk/

I've got another appointment with the GP next Friday the 9th.

My work occupational health department are going to organise counselling for me but there is a three week waiting list just to be assessed at the moment.

And hopefully I'll hear from one of the community psychiatric nurses from the mental health team at some point. I'm hoping that once the nurses have assessed me that they will maybe refer me on to one of the medical staff - i.e psychiatry/psychology.

I've been advised by a couple of different professionals that if it gets too much to bear I've to call NHS24 or go to A&E so that the mental health crisis team get involved and give me help.

Hovering about here trying to make a decision on half a diazepam tablet or not. Last night the half I took made me feel a bit dizzy and tingly. But the nurse I spoke to this morning said that's probably just because I've never had any before and because I'm not eating or testing. She said that as my body gets used to them that feeling will quickly disappear.
So scared though.

@archeryannie About two years ago I was referred to the mental health team for therapy. I'd been once before but I found the nurse very difficult to engage with and she discharged me after two visits!!!
The time two years ago the nurse I was seeing was great. I felt she was really listening and keen to understand what I was feeling. I was only on my second session with her, so still at the assessment stage when unfortunately and very tragically my poor Dad died very suddenly and unexpectedly. I had actually just came out of my session with her when I got that call.
So I was unable to continue at that time as, understandably, I didn't feel I was in the right frame of mind to properly engage and put the effort in to it.

Hello littlecat, please take the Diazepam as directed for the few days the Dr prescribed it. It's no good asking for help and then not accepting the help from the Dr. A couple of days of Diazepam will do you no harm at all and will calm you.
I have been where you are now and what I have learned is that you really have to fight this "thing" for want of a better word. Each time the fear stops you doing something it reinforces that fear, so next time is harder still.

What I did, is self referred to Healthy Minds, there is one in every part of Gb and went on a six week course, which was two hours a week and you also had "excercises" to work on in that week.
It was good to be in a class of people who all felt the same as me, in fact it was amazing. There were all types, ages, etc. From high powered business man, to housewife and a few teenagers to quite old people with lots in between.

We all had a bond of suffering from this hidden illness and when we talked at break time, it was a revelation.

It really helped me and gave me the tools to fight the anxiety and keep it under control.
I know what you mean about it flaring up at the slightest thing as well.
When you talk to people you realize our symptoms are all the same.
I also think that if you could face up to your fear of "losing your exH" (which you have anyway) it would help you recover much faster. Just realise, He's gone, He's been gone a long time and you are coping, you are managing. Ok managing in your own tin pot way, but you are doing it.

Just accept that fact, start escaping from this fear nightmare, look to YOUR future, there's a big wide World out there, there's a lot of good things for you, you go girl.
I've gone on a bit but just want you to know, you will recover from this but you need help to do it.

Thank you @Rosesarebest. I've tried to look up the HealthyMinds thing. I think perhaps here it's not here in Scotland but is similar to a thing here called Living Life.
Which is a self referral therapy service where they do once weekly telephone sessions with you for 6 to 9 weeks.
I called them on Monday but was told that unfortunately both of their support workers are off at the moment so they won't be able to assess anyone for going on the course until at least one of them returns.

I spent hours yesterday looking for like support groups or things you could go to in the area for help. I thought that, even although it would be a massive step to have the courage to attend something like that, it would be helpful just to be able to share with others and get out and see some new faces.

But it seems that up here we have very poor services available compared to in England. There was absolutely nothing in my area at all. Nothing. I even stumbled across a report into mental health services done by my local health board which commented on the lack of available support and services for people in my area compared to other areas.

So, ok I thought, I don't mind travelling to the next nearby area for something like this. That might even be beneficial, I'm less likely to bump into someone I know. So I kept on searching - And of the very few things I found in neighbouring areas one of the stipulations was that you were a resident in that particular local area!!!

It seems in this area they definitely don't make it easy to help by helping yourself.

It's good that you are being pro-active. It's the start of you beating the "thing". You are now a bit stronger and "it" is weaker. So well done!
Are the support workers going to contact you when they are back?
If not keep ringing, in fact even if they said they would get back to you, ring them anyway.
You've got to be firm now that you are in your way and nothing and no body is getting in your way.
I think that you will enjoy (if that's the right word) meeting other people on the course and realising that you are far from alone.
Once you complete the 6 week course you can also self refer to other helpful course, like mindfulness, yoga etc. All good for folk like us!
Do you feel slightly better today now that you are starting to fight back?
Look after yourself! Be kind to yourself!

Btw. Last week I joined a "Breathing and Relaxation" course at a local place that does massage, reflexology etc. It's £5 per week and I'm finding it really good.
Also, if you've got a local Sports Centre they often do classes like yoga and Tia Chi that are reasonable price.
There's also Life Long Learning run by the Council in different centres that do different courses. It's like night school if you know what I mean.
Anyway, keep going now you've started!

@niteflights I've looked up that book. It has some seriously good reviews considering how long ago it was published. I can download it to my Kindle.

I'm honestly willing to try anything within reason and am genuinely touched that people here have given up their time to make suggestions to me here. It helps just a little to know that there's someone out there who understands.

@littlecat great, I really hope you find it helpful. It's helped me so much. I wish you all the best with everything, thank you for posting - I was having a bad day myself when I read the thread and it helped me to share with you - I know how lonely it can be, but others do understand. It helps me to remember that too.