9 months pregnant & suicidal

[MaybeBaby220218]

I feel like I should apologise for the dramatic title, but can’t and don’t want to sugar coat how I feel.
I have reached breaking point and wake up every morning wishing I was dead. I hate feeling this way as I have an amazing and supportive partner, a very happy relationship and am pregnant with a much wanted baby.
I have been seeking help for my mental health for about 4 months and in the time since, feel it has spiralled out of control. I was signed off work as a result of having hemiplegic migraines, these caused me to experience visual and speech disturbances and left me a little bit concerned as the GP’s kept telling me i was at a higher risk of stroke and that I needed to get checked each time for pre-eclampsia etc.

When they started to happen continually, I was a little bit frightened (which I’d like to think is understandable) and the doctor signed me of for a further 2 weeks due to anxiety (this was early November) but without really giving me what I would call a proper diagnosis - it was a case of ‘oh you seem upset and anxious, I’ll write anxiety state on your sick note’.

I have been unable to return to work as I began to experience dissociative episodes which, as time has gone on, have become worse and worse and have gone from being intermittent to now being my permanent state. I went to see the GP and explained what was happening and he put me on Sertraline which exacerbated the symptoms and triggered true anxiety and regular panic attacks. I’ve stopped taking them, but the feeling of detachment has continued to get worse and worse - I’ve been seen occasionally by the perinatal mental health team (who have been trying to get me off their books as it’s ‘just anxiety’) and I just get told to distract myself, the young lady I see reports back to the team lead that I am fine because I appear to be functioning day to day.

I wake up each morning (although knowing where and who I am) feeling like I don’t recognise my life, I can’t connect to my baby, my partner, my family and friends and feel like I have no idea where I am because everything feels so unfamiliar and I constantly zone in and out of myself (although I’m constantly aware of what’s going on, I don’t have any lapses in memory). I feel as though I am failing to understand the concept of time and days because I’m constantly in a zombie like state and am unable to connect with anything or anyone around me. And although I have forgotten what my ‘normal life’ feels like - I know it shouldn’t feel like this.

I’ve been put on Amitriptyline after breaking down and my partner finally managing to get through to someone on the mental health team that could hear my level of distress. And was seen by a psychologist yesterday - who have said they think I am suffering from derealization and depersonalisation as a result the anxiety caused by the initial dissociation.

They’ve said the only way I’ll be able to break the cycle now is to distract myself- but I feel so far gone that this to me seems like an impossible task. I constantly feel like I’m having a mental break down and spend literally every waking moment crying hysterically because I can’t cope with feeling so strange, nobody seems to understand JUST how awful everything inside my head feels and despite expressing my wish to not wake up each morning - no one seems to take me seriously. I have never experienced mental health issues before now and have always been extremely happy and outgoing and this gradual deterioration on my mental state is completely out of character - (I know that MH issues can affect anyone at anytime, just trying to explain how much my mood has changed).

I don’t know what to do anymore and I don’t know how I can cope until my due date, as the thought of labour and having to care for my baby in my current state terrifies me - and how I am expected to get through each day feeling so poorly.

I feel like I’ve exhausted my options, and feel isolated and alone and don’t know that I can make it the next 2/3 weeks.

Sorry for the long post, I don’t really know what I hope to come from it, but feel I just need to write it down somewhere.

I have no experience so won't give any advice. Just bumping to help you get help. Hope things get better for you and your little family.

I’ve had experience of both derealisation and depersonalization - this is a quick post as I find remembering it quite triggering. Some practical ideas.

First - this will pass, I guarantee. You don’t need to panic about staying like this because you won’t.

Next - I found I had to connect back to myself before I could interact with anyone else. Avoid anything too stimulating. For me this was TV, loud noises, going out, speaking with people but people’s triggers are different.

Practical advice - find yourself an occupation that’s ‘gently’ taxing - a puzzle, easy crossword, or something. Hard copy is better than a screen, and not a mindless game like candy crush. And get a pile of treats. If you can focus on your activity for a period of time, you get a treat. I found it helped me relax/distract myself without being too taxing.

Look up grounding exercises (like in mindfulness) and try some.

Ultimately your dissociation is driven by anxiety, but also causes it so you’re in a spiral. But you can break it. Be kind to yourself. And don’t panic if you feel better for a bit then snap back again - that’s normal, it takes a while to be able to banish it at will.

Hi OP I just wanted to say sorry to hear you are feeling so bad. I think you might be feeling no one is taking your anxiety seriously and that distracting yourself sounds like it is not a good answer to such an overwhelming condition. But don't think it can't work. Remember anxiety is all created by your brain overreacting to a danger. It's almost like how an allergic reaction is your body overreacting with its protective response. In the case of anxiety it is a mental protective response that has overreacted, in this case to the worry about your migraines. It is sending out a lot of fight or flight hormones that you can't use to actually fight or run away, and so you end up feeling ill. If you can stop the anxious thoughts you will help to stop the physical reaction. This will then make you feel better and your anxiety will reduce even more then you can do even more relaxation and so on. So don't think this can't work. Of course the anxious thoughts will come back and you then need to repeat your mental exercises again so it may take a while but it will work.
If you need to talk remember to call the Samaritans or another support line and they will be there to talk and listen. Let us know how you are doing.

How's it going today OP have you managed to make a start on doing some puzzles?

No advice but thinking of you and bumping your thread

Hi ladies, thanks for your replies. I was up at 5 to drop my partner into work, and am now pottering round a very lonely house.
I’ve made a to-do list that’s hopefully productive and practical. Getting hospital bag ready, writing shopping list for things we need to get etc....
Someone else suggested I download an Andrew Johnson mindfulness app, and I’ve reserved a few ‘self-help’ books in the library which I’ll collect when I get my partner from work.
I will try all of the suggestions that have been made (a lot of which I’ve been doing already), but my head is so consumed by this horrible feeling hardly anything is strong enough to pull my attention away.

Just try to focus on your puzzles or whatever you prefer for a short time. Even a minute will help.
Another thing I have found helpful is to try to talk to myself in a rational positive manner when I catch myself catastrophising the future. For example in your OP you said ;
the thought of labour and having to care for my baby in my current state terrifies me so you are already imagining the worst outcome. But you need to reframe it in a positive (but believable) outlook "I'd prefer not to still be feeling ill when I have the baby but with support of my family and the extra medical care that will be available at that time I will get through it and once the baby is here I can ask my husband and family to help me with the caring until I feel better. It won't be ideal but we will all pull through".
When you are feeling anxious already and there are problems and things are not meeting your vision of how they should be your brain wants to make that logical leap that everything is terrible and will turn out awful so you have to fight that using more logic and common sense.

Just popping on to say hang on. The steps you've taken so far sound great. I know how desperate it can be to feel so terrible.

When anxiety is at its worst I find grounding myself helpful-you put both feet firmly on the floor and think of 2 things you can see, 2 things you can feel, 2 things you can hear and something you can smell. It can give you a bit of time just to come back into your body.

You can do this OP.