What is it exactly that’s makes people do awful stuff?

[Realitea]

Whenever I hear a horrible story in the news I imagine it happening, then it happening to my children and I get so upset and feel physically sick.
I dwell on it when I get a quiet moment and get very worked up about it, thinking ‘what if I did that?’ Etc
Back when I had GAD, I was questioned whether I felt suicidal. I wasn’t until they mentioned it! then I started getting scared about that too! What if i did? Maybe I do? And so the panic begins again.
I’ve been reading about OCD (the book ‘brain lock’) and wondering if this is what I have. Like intrusive thoughts. When I think about the thoughts I wonder why I am thinking that and the main factor is that’s I’m scared I could do terrible things. Anyone could. What is wrong with these people?

Most normal people trust their judgement of themselves but I have this fear that maybe I dont trust my judgement. Maybe that’s the sign that I need to fight this OCD

There have been a few incidents in my lifetime that I have snapped in anger (just with my husband!) and it scared me. And him! While ‘snapping’ (and this was after a LOT of stress - one was finding out he’d cheated) I was terrified of myself. I couldn’t reign it in. However even at that point I still didn’t and wouldn’t have actually hurt him.
I’m just terrified of losing control that way again at any point.

As a child I developed panic attacks, anxiety and intrusive thoughts and it was made worse by doctors not knowing what was going on so I was labelled as difficult. I had regular melt downs, screaming and crying as social workers tried to force me to school etc. I was afraid of everything. I eventually got better on my own as I got older but it still haunts me in a way.

Can anyone offer any insight or advice for me?

Realitea

i relate. My OCD is nowhere near as bad as it used to be but when it was at it's worst i could not trust my judgement on all sorts of things and would spend literally hours questioning myself. eg i would obsess too over whether i was suicidal, whether my memories of certain things were real etc

As a child i started with the meltdowns over OCD. Mine did not get so bad i could not attend school, fortunately, i functioned pretty highly on the surface, anyway. i was labelled naughty and difficult because of my always checking things and panicking if things were not in a certain order or done a certain way. was not formally diagnosed until much older. by then the issues were less, and the diagnosis was given alongside another label of a more pressing issue at the time. then a couple years after that, the OCD started in earnest again until i would spend hours locked in questioning things, checking things and trying to get reasurance. i ended up not sleeping and not eating properly due to my obsessions.

i was put on fluoextine but not much of a change. about 6 years later i am more or less free of the full blown OCD, and just have some traits of it from time to time when under stress.

Not everyone is as fortunate as me but many people do get well. I wonder if therapy of some kind would help you?

Realitea Sometimes i still find myself scared i will harm people. i will be sitting down chatting to someone and i will see an image of myself in my minds eye hurting them and it is as though i am doing it/have done it.

It’s definitely OCD then. Thanks for your reply. It is good to hear from someone who’s felt the same. I only actually get like this at certain times of the month. It’s now passed again and I know I’ll be ok for another two weeks before it starts up again! Some months aren’t so bad as others.
I’m going to see the doctor next week and see what we can do. The book i’m reading is so useful too. Just by labelling the thoughts as OCD and knowing it’s not ‘me’ really helps.