I feel like a failure

[NooNooHead1981]

I've been out of work since August last year, and have been looking for part time copywriting roles from home, without success, since.

Last year was awful. I had an ectopic pregnancy, my DB passed away from cancer aged 34 and I became unemployed. I've just about managed to deal with the emotional side of a lot of this, and am happy to say that I am now expecting my DC2, albeit with a fraught moment this week with some spotting on Monday - hopefully it was nothing though, and I'll manage to have a good 20-week scan in a week's time.

I feel like a failure though. As I was self-employed, I am not entitled to any job seeker's allowance etc and as a family, we earn too much to qualify for any other benefits. When I filled in my tax return today, I realised I couldn't afford the £260 NI bill, and so my DH has to bail me out. My parents are bailing me out monthly until my due date in June, which I am incredibly grateful and fortunate to have, but still feel utterly useless that I can't manage my finances enough to have money saved for the tax bill, nor successfully get a job.

My confidence and self-esteem wasn't great before last year. Now it is going downhill quite quickly as the weeks go by. I don't know what I will do if something awful happens in this pregnancy. I think if it wasn't for my DD and family, I would probably be feeling very low; low enough to not want to be here.

You have had a tough year and has been looking for work in a tough market. It doesn't mean you are a failure, not even if you feel like a failure. I find it is great that you as a couple earn enough not to need any benefits, and again not being able to pay some taxes has nothing at all to do with your self worth or your value as an individual. You might want to think about whether or not to make up long-term plans to switch to another industry, I've heard that in copywriting and such jobs the competition is fierce but don't know if that's actually the case.

Thank you for your reply and kind words.

Yes, the publishing and copywriting industry is a pretty tough nut to crack, plus it doesn't help that I am still recovering - and almost 70% recovered - from a head injury and drug induced movement disorder too, (which includes involuntary movements) that have rather hindered (in my eyes) my progression back into the job market. If I could get another copywriting job that works from home, great, as it would mean I don't have to face other people and suppress involuntary movements that make me feel very self-conscious. If I do have to though, so be it. I guess it will be good for my confidence.

You're right about not being able to pay taxes etc as not at all linked to self worth etc, I suppose I was just seeing it as something that I felt I should have been able to manage more if I had been better with money. I guess I have to accept that some people aren't so good with finances etc.

Thanks again hevonbu - I will keep you posted as to how I feel over the next week or so after my scan.

From what I gather it rather seem you have too little of it (finances) rather than being bad at it.

For a role model with involuntary movement difficulties you may pick my countryman en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jesper_Odelberg a very well-known stand-up comedian, and rather good at it too!