WTF is WRONG WITH ME?

[NamerChangerExtravaganza]

I'm currently being treated for depression with citalopram.
I've had anxiety, depression, low mood for over twenty years due to a disruptive and abusive childhood. Fast forward twenty years later and although things are good - no abuse, no DV, no substance misuse etc I still feel profoundly empty and wrong.

I cannot comfortably socialize for more than an hour or two.
I have had 15 jobs in the last 15 years but have never kept a job longer than four months.
I have regular headaches and panic attacks about all random things.
I've been assessed by GP and CMHT as normal just moderately depressed. But i know there is something wrong with me. I go from being motivated, goal orientated, passionate and dedicated to needing days in bed to quitting my job out of the blue. Hence the 15 jobs in so many years.
I want to be normal - go to work, have friends manage the housework etc but I find life so mentally, physically and emotionally draining.
Can anyone share any similar experiences? I think the number of jobs I have had is not normal but here, on my 16th job i can't imagine still working here in 6 months. It's like i HAVE to move on. This pattern is destructive i think it is linked to my mental health but i refuse to believe it is only depression as I am so motivated sometimes.

Thanks for reading if you've got this far. I'm so down about this but I don't feel I can stop it.

TIA

I don’t have experience like that sorry but I just wanted to suggest possible bipolar? With you having highs of feeling very motivated etc then lows of days in bed. Maybe something to research and see what you think x

I agree with you but the fact that I have been assessed as normal or no diagnosis other than depression and anxiety makes me feel as though I am dramatizing or being attention seeking by disagreeing.

BPD was discussed too but my behaviors weren't "chronic enough" to fit that diagnostic criteria.

I was just thinking that maybe there isn’t anything wrong with you at all. Maybe your depression isn’t being managed very well. The real you is probably the highly motivated and passionate version. Maybe when you leave jobs and have no energy for menial tasks and not liking social time is because your depression is at a low. Was just lying in bed not sleeping and this came to
Me. What do you think?

I was starting a business and was really proud of myself for this when my depression was being managed well. Now it isn’t and I’ve completely shut down all my projects. I also stay indoors and don’t speak to people on the phone when I’m like this and usually I’m fine with it (never going to be a people
Person still 😂).

Xx

There is more than one type of Bi Polar disorder, have you been referred to a psychiatrist for proper assessment? If you haven't, then your GP is doing you a disservice.

Maybe your ultimate aim could be to work for a temp agency in that way you only need to stay for a shorter while at the job (workplace) but you have the same employer (the temp agency) so it won't show up as job hopping in your so-called career. Also, perhaps the only long-term solution for you is to slam your fist in the table and say "enough is enough" and decide for yourself to stick to your new lifestyle with less job hopping and more dedication. You're already on your way. "Third time's a charm" and all that, just keep at it.

Perhaps you could talk it over (your pattern of job hopping) with your manager while you're in a "calm" state that you have this inclination to resign on the spot when in affection, and that he should give you the benefit of the doubt once this happens, so you don't actually have to go through leaving your job just because you were stressed out and resigned in the spur of the moment.

It will in all likelihood become increasingly difficult for you to get your 17th, 18th, .... 31st, 32nd, etc. job when you grow older. Imagine when you're 40 or 50, what it will look like - like 60 short jobs on your CV and nobody to vouch for you since you've not accumulated enough time anywhere for anyone to want to put in a good word. Now's the time to say "enough is enough", and decide to stick it out for (say) two years even though it feels difficult to think about it now.