I'm ruining my life and I can't stop

[Namechangeforthispost18]

I have type 2 bipolar disorder which is not managed by medication, although psychiatrist said I could get a prescription if need be. I have a son who is almost 1, and recently I am absolutely HATING motherhood, really really hating it. I love my son but the thought of feeling like this forever is making me want to run away.

Anytime my son goes to his dad's for the weekend or the night I go on nights out (more nights out now than before I had my son), I end up drinking way way too much, sex with random strangers, etc. I've had 2 hypomanic episodes in the past which resulted in wrecked relationships, debt, and a pregnancy which I terminated.

My friend who knows I have bipolar pointed out that he's noticing alot of the signs of an episode in me lately - not eating, not sleeping much but still full of energy, racing thoughts, reckless behaviour/spending etc

I want my life back to normal, I want to enjoy taking care of my son instead of counting down the days til he next goes to his dad. I'll probably be flamed for saying that but I don't feel capable of It anymore.

Should probably also add I'm in 3rd year of uni (Scotland) and work too, so I have plenty of time away from my son as it is which I already feel super guilty about. I don't really know what I'm wanting to gain from posting this, I just don't have many people to talk to in real life about it so I needed to get it all out

I think it sounds like you have a heck of a lot on your shoulders. Uni is hard, so combining it with a small toddler, work, and a bipolar diagnosis sounds huge!

Cut yourself some slack with the guilt, that's part of the territory of motherhood but gets you absolutely nowhere. In terms of not enjoying him, plenty of parents have stages that they find they despise. It's not the same stage for everyone and it's not a sign that your life as a parent will continue to be framed in this way. Babyhood is a common time to find tortuous if it doesn't suit your personality. There's every chance that you will find a plucky and hilarious 3 year old completely wonderful and joyful and that it's just the baby years that you need to grit your teeth for.

Are you able to see your psychiatrist asap and discuss whether the medication mentioned previously would be a good option for the moment?

Any things you could do to releive stress a bit in the mean time (that are safer than those you have been doing?). Any sports or exercise that you like?

Hand hold and

Snow thanks so much for replying. I've been to see my GP and had a big rant and I feel slightly better, she said what you had said about parents hating different stages of their kids lives. I've also got in touch with the psychiatrist so have arranged an appointment for 2 weeks from now.

I also joined the gym and even though I've only been once yesterdayI'm feeling good about it and I'm hoping it'll help. X

That sounds really positive, well done for taking control. You sound motivated to find a way out of this which in itself is a good sign for you.

Re-reading your op again it stood that you said you already have a lot of time away from your son, but that it sounds like that time is full of other things that have demands and expectations from you, so hardly a break from responsibility (which can feel so exhausting). The gym is a great idea in that respect - totally up to you when it comes to setting pace, goals, expectations etc.