Empty, alone....I don't know where to turn.

[butterfly280]

This is my first post here in mental health so please bare with me.
I've struggled with anxiety and mild depression since I was about 9 years old and now I'm 37, but it's only within the last 3 years that I've actually started to talk about my mental health, research a little, and speak to a GP about it for the first time.
At times in my life the anxiety has been absolutely crippling and I'm now wondering if I may have a personality disorder. I have all of the symptoms of BPD, except for the self harm. I've never self harmed, not physically. Wreckless behaviour and self sabotaging has been more my issue. Is it possible to have BPD without self harming?
The last few weeks I've stated to wean myself off Sertraline and am now down to 25 mgs. I'm sick of the sick effects, such as weight gain and loss of libido. Plus I'd like to see how I fare without the drug that's been propping me up for the last 2 and a half years.
That old feeling of emptiness is coming back. I'm finding myself withdrawing from everyone but on the flip side I hate this life of loneliness that I create for myself.
Sorry, I'm not sure where I'm going with this post...I don't know what to do with myself right now. My life is a mess. 😭

Hi OP.

I'm not someone who has much experience in this area but didn't want to read and run.

I'm sure there will be someone along soon who can post with some helpful advice.

I do feel it's a very positive step that you've started speaking to your GP.

You say you have been withdrawing from medication. Is that with the knowledge and support of your GP?

Tbh I'm worried you are doing this in isolation and this is why your anxiety is ramping up. I understand you don't like the side effects but withdrawing from medication without supervision from a HCP is not a good idea.

Hi, thanks for replying to my vague post. It means a lot. Yes, I'm doing it without the GP's knowledge. I suppose I thought that if I did it slowly there was no need to bother her. Getting an appointment takes 3 weeks in our little town too. X

Ok.

I really, really think you need to start taking your medication again.

Book an appointment with your GP. Talk about medication options. There may be alternatives without the side effects you are experiencing.

However please don't continue to withdraw medication without medical support.

The anxiety you are feeling right now is most likely related to reducing your medication and that's not helping you find a more sustainable way forward.

I fear your in danger of being the penny in one of those children's slot machines where is gets faster and faster as it approaches the hole. The more you reduce your medication the worse you'll feel.

You need to put the breaks on by taking your regular dosage and get support to change your medication or to withdraw from it safely.

Yes, perhaps you're right. Being a bit chubby is nowhere near as bad as I feel at this moment. Thank you, I think I'll take your very good advice and increase my dosage again until I can see my doctor. x

That's good news and I definitely think is the right decision.

If you're worried about weight, then having increased anxiety is not actually going to help you lose it. You need to re-gain your equilibrium and mental health to be in the right place to do this.

As I said I'm not an expert, but speak frankly to your GP (taking your meds in the meantime) about how you feel, side effects and most importantly what other treatment options are open to you.

Not a mental health issue but I "struggled on" with the same medication for a chronic skin condition for many, many years. When I finally went to the GP I was shocked at how much research had moved on and the new treatments now available. I was prescribed new medication/treatments and it was a revelation- I wish I'd been to the GP years ago.

You may well find similar if you open up to your GP about how the side effects are impacting you and asking what else could help.

GPs can sometimes prescribe different types of medication if you are experiencing negative side effects with one type. Maybe this is an option.

What is your support network like? I know this is not always easy to see. But who is around you that you can talk to? Family, relatives, friends, support groups, even colleagues. There are lots of people who experience what you feel but because they have people to talk to it makes it easier. You just have to identify who you can turn to when you need it.

The most important thing to note is that how you feel is important, and it shouldn't put yourself down for feeling this way. Find help, both medical and personal, and talk to people you can. Trust about how you are feeling. You made a good start by writing this post! x

Great post @salmonofwisdom