Feeling extremely depressed,ashamed, nowhere to turn

[bigpancake]

NC but will probably get recognised. This is long and boring but if anyone can just give me some kind words or a slap to the face I'd be really really grateful

I'm 21 in a week. I have a 3 year old son who I've raised completely on my own since I was 17 and I've given him a wonderful life so far, I'm really pleased and proud of how fantastic he's turning out. And he's so happy.

I've always worked and started uni in September. Around this time/ a bit before, I found out I was pregnant from my partner of a year who had just left me at this point. I went to have an abortion but couldn't go through with it.

Since finding out About the pregnancy I neglected my university studies and started working as often as I possibly could, panicking about providing for two kids. It was a new job I only started working in September, and my contract never got renewed and I doubt anyone is going to want to employ me now as I'm 7 months pregnant, and even if I did find new employment i wouldn't be eligible for mat leave as I wouldn't of been there long enough. I still get my student loan, and I've sort of sorted things with uni in terms of how I'm going to get back on track with studies.

Im planning on continuing to study when the new baby is here (uni has been great, flexible and I think, realistically, things have a good chance of working out) but I'm not thinking logically at the moment. I can't think positively. I'm poor, I'm soon to be a single mother to two kids from two different dads. I'm selfish for that. I feel like a burden on society. I feel ashamed of myself. I'm really depressed. I feel like I've let my mum down.

Normally I'm alright but today I had bad some bad news, then it got worse when I did the hour walk to my antenatal appointment to find out it's actually booked for tomorrow. I came home and lay in bed and just sobbed. (DS is at nursery at the moment- I should be at uni) it was just like the straw that broke the camels back. I've wasted a day crying when I could of tidied the house, so feel even worse for that.

Just feel awful. Please don't judge I know I'm a Fucking shambles. Don't know who to talk to. Went to the DR a couple of weeks ago for anti depressants, have tried a couple of different ones but they make me so so sick. I know I just need to pull myself together. I've made my bed and I need to grow some balls for my kids. But I just feel like such a waste of space. What am I going to do. How am I going to pull this off on my own

You have lots of things to be proud of, you're listing one after another, getting over hurdle after hurdle all by yourself. It was annoying that you mixed up the date for the appointment but such things happen to everyone. You're too hard on yourself, if it was a friend of yours you wouldn't be so dismissive of them, would you? Can't get how you could be a disappointment to your mum, she should really be proud over all you've managed in those difficult circumstances, not everyone faces difficult circumstances, and not everyone land on their two feet like you do (even if it didn't feel like that today).

Blimey love, you're not a shambles or a waste of space or anything like that! Sounds like you have a cracking plan for your future and that of your kids - well done! There's nothing wrong with two kids from two dads or being a single parent. Sod tidying the house though - have some cake and chill on the sofa this evening, and then onwards and upwards tomorrow!