How do I stop falling back into depression

[prufrock]

OK background, as I've never really talked about my depression on here (I suppose the fact I now feel I can is very positive) Had PND post birth of ds (3 tomorrow!) which was untreated but got better, then a year of just being unhappy, and then full blown depression again (Intense anger and irritability, irrational fears, obsession with death, planning suicide) which I eventually got treated . Citalopram and counselling cured me, and I've been very gradually weaning for last 2 months (down to 10mg every 3 days) and feeling on top of the world. But....

I had a bad day yesterday. It was my birthday, but dh was out at the football, and I had no presents. Now I know I am terrible to buy for as I have everything, and I told him I didn't want any more jewellery, or beauty stuff, but I wanted something. I did tell him on Tuesday night he could get me a pedometer, to which he made the entirely reasonable reply that I should buy my own so that I get the sort I want (I am very picky and would probably be grumpy if he got me an inferior one) but dammit I want him to buy me a perfect present. And then I got into a horrible depressive spiral of beating myself up because I was being grumpy when I really didn't have a reason, and then beating myself up for beating myself up, because actualy I have to accept that it's OK to be grumpy sometimes and being grumpy because nobody gives a damn about my birthday is actually a valid reason to be grumpy and then beating...... well you get the picture.

I ended up slobbing in front of the TV with wine last night - at least the Apprentice stopped me obsessing, and woke up this am feeling as bad as I have before - I felt totally unable to get out of bed (It actually took me an hour - dd woke me up at 7am) and I was very grumpy with the kids. I did try to not sink - I told them I had a grump so they had to tickle me (my technique when they are grumpy) and I'm trying very hard to keep a lid on the anger I can feel welling up inside, but I need to get over this.

I really don't think it's the tablets - I have legitimate reasons to be down (also got presented with huge issue with the pre-school I am chair of yesterday) but I have to find a way to feel better. I am determined not to let a one day grump send me of into the cycle of feeling imperfect and then not being perfect because I can't accept my imperfections, but whilst I now have so much more insight into what is happening, I'm not sure that I can actually stop it.

Goodness I would never have guessed from your posts you were suffering like this.As you say it is a good sign that you are talking about it.That sort of intense irritation when things aren't just right happens to lots of people but if it is really affecting you maybe you have reduced your tablets too quickly although you did say you have been feeling on top of the world so could it just be normal grumpiness or pmt?

Hi prufrock - i've had experiences very much like you - pnd after dd1 and slipped in and out of depression since and i know only too well that feeling of slipping and how angry, helpless, useless etc etc etc it can make you feel. however, do check a few things (and am sorry if you already have) - pmt, outside stress (the problem at the pre-school will prob put you under abnormal stress and don't under estimate how that will affect you, esp if you are reducing your meds), bday which actually i think you have every right to be angry about (anyone without depression would be). you've made a huge step in admitting on ehre that you ahve a problem (and i think some of that is admitting to yoursefl that there still maybe a problem). take every hour or even minute as it comes, try not to scrutinise everything that you're feeling but most of all do not beat yourself up over being angry, imperfect and all those things that its so easy to make yoursefl think you are. and also, don't be afraid of upping your meds again - depression is no different an illness to tonsillitis - sometimes you need medication, sometimes you don't - it doens't make you any less of a person that you are. hope that makes sense and you don't find it patronising or anything else - take care x

that's the thing, I'm not realy suffereing - i ust don't want to. And I can't stop teling myslef to "snap out of it" and then getting annoyed with myslef when i can't.

But i have just booked myslef in for a facial tomoroow. And am trying very very hard not to feel guilty about being so WAGish

Dino - it would be lovely, but difficult to arrange because of school pick-ups - only possible day would be Friday, but IIRC you don't work then?

know what you mean about snapping out of it - its the wierdest thing ever cos you think you should be able to control it, but you just can't (well i've never been able to). don't be so bloody hard on yoursefl though and really don't expect too much of either yourself or your mind...

Don't feel guilty about your quality of life or for enjoying certain things just because you can afford them!Life is for living and everyone enjoys different things.I love treatments and really would have more if I could afford it.Maybe you need to really relax and just accept where you are Have you tried reiki?It has really helped me xx

Happy Birthday prufrock (for Wednesday!).

Birthdays are quite validly grumpy occasions I find .

Are you eating properly (I know that may sound weird, but it can make a difference)? Also, have you tried fish oils? I forgot to take them on holiday with us and I really felt the difference when I wasn't taking them!

Otherwise, I guess some of your anger/feelings are a result of weaning yourself off the meds. Perhaps you need to wean a bit more gradually?

hi there.

sorry i didn't see this before.

how are things now?

Message withdrawn

Hi, I'd advise seeing friends, taking time to do things for yourself that you enjoy, exercise, if you can bear it - swim, gym, walks, decent food and fish oils, enough sleep. All the stuff that is difficult with young children! And constantly reminding yourself not to catastrophise - as I think they call it. You know, no present, nobody loves me, I am unloveable, I hate myself for being unloveable etc. And saying firmly, 'no present because I am tricky to buy for' not because nobody gives a damn about you etc etc.
Hope you are feeling better.

Thank you - habe e-mailed you bk. Feeling lots better- went to doctors, who told me that I should stop AD's as I was now taking them so infrequently they were probably doig more harm than good. So I did. And I've eased up on myslef, and am feeling fine now. I am getting snappy at times, but I keep kind of checking with myslef that my snappyness is actually normal (I defy anyone not to shout when the third cup of apple juice is poured over the floor because children are trying to balance cups on the backs of their hands!). And my period was due, and I think we are al just going to have to get usd to the fact that I am more grumpy than usual at that time. Thank you for your concern and suggestions. Dino - v. v. hectic at the moment but will e-mail you - actually not sue I have your address - could you e-mail me? prufrock at hotmail dot co dot uk

have similar history of depression and also 'successfully' weaned self very gradually off Citalopram over 18 month period and REALLY thought I was 'ok' but a cluster of events big and small has precipitated 'falling down the crevasse' again. Don't want to go back on meds as insomnia and feelings of dislocation big reasons for coming off it; also weight gain (2 stone) which in itself really got me down. Currrently following 8 week CBT programme on computer at gp surgery, off all meds and also started Weight Watchers tonight. nearly burst into tears at meeting but managed to hold off. REALLY want to beat this without meds as have been on and off them since age 14, plus in and out of therapy of all sorts, and all in all it feels as if I have been depressed all my life (I'm early 40's now) and I CANNOT spend the rest of my life like this.