Confused

[thirtyoddyearslater]

I have suffered from mental health problems for many years and have had several diagnoses in that time; anxiety, depression, EUPD, bipolar, still don't know what is wrong with me and I feel my psychiatrist is unsupportive but that's another thread.

I've been in group therapy for over two years, in that time new people have joined the group. In particular I seem to have herb triggered by another lady's terrible experiences.

I had a difficult childhood, at 13 my mum left me and my siblings in the care of our dad as she also had mh issues. I totally went off the rails until the age of 19 when I became pregnant with my first child. I have had chaos in my private life a lot over the years but again another thread.

In those 6 years, looking back now I 'think' that I put myself in a lot of dangerous situations with young men either my age or a few years older. I always thought that it was just that I was quite promiscuous but as I mentioned earlier listening to the lady in my group talk about her experiences has led me to believe maybe it was more than that and I was coerced into that behaviour and perhaps even abused.

These young men I behaved like this with were part of a large group of friends, maybe twenty of them (that's not to say I had sexual activity with all of them but more than just a few over those six years or so). And I think I was known as someone who was a bit of a 'good time girl' for want of a better term.

I wasn't ever in a relationship with any of these 'boys', in fact from 16 I had a serious boyfriend I had met elsewhere (the father of my first two sons) and had a normal carry on with him. But out of that situation I behaved appallingly with this group of friends.

This included having sexual activity with any of these young men, never with more than one in a night but certainly more than one over a short period, like a weekend or so. I now see I put myself in danger; several times I think I 'had' to go along with sexual activity and felt unable to say no. Perhaps forced is the wrong term but certainly some 'rough' behaviour towards me. Suggestions of 'I'm next with her' were passed around, indeed I think maybe I was 'passed around'. No drugs involved on my part but obviously alcohol.

Like I said earlier I have just thought that I was promiscuous and that was part of who I was as a teenager but maybe it was more than that? I have had a bit of a chaotic private life; I am single now after the breakdown of two marriages (on my part) and other relationships and have four children (now age between 13-30). I have resolved never to be in another relationship and have a poor opinion of men. Though I must say my own sons are very respectful of women and girls, I think I have drilled in them they must behave well.

I'm confused as to whether these were inappropriate relationships and whether it's worth trying to bring up in this group therapy (which does include two men, one of whom makes me feel uneasy as he is a recovering alcoholic and reminds me of men I have been in relationships before) or whether I should let it go.

I'm worried I am being a drama queen? That has been my family's opinion of me since the age of 13, probably before; highly strung, over emotional all that sort of thing. This is on my mind a lot recently; I still see some of these men where I live, they acknowledge me but I know they still think I'm the same slut as I was then, even though I'm not anymore. Thank you if you have read this far.

I will say I am now 50, medicated with 200mg quetiapine, 30mg mirtazapine and 20mg promethazine. I have a cpn I see about once a month and my psychiatrist when needed.
I have an ok life, I fill it well though I can't work at the moment I receive ESA and PIP; I am well educated now (as a mature student some years ago) and I worked for a very long time in the civil service.

could you discuss this privately 1-1 with your cpn or psychiatrist? to a certain extent sexual experimentation is normal adolescent behavior, but of course with your past history it may be symbolic of much more. you can then ask if it appropriate to bring up in the group setting.

If you feel it's relevant to talk about it in the group, maybe bring it up, but personally I see little point and for me it's difficult to see how drilling down on these issues would lead you forward in life. Since your mum (your role model at that age) had mh issues and then disappeared on top of it all, it's only natural that you've been struggling with all your relationships, and it's not necessarily something wrong but these problems are to a part the reactions to a difficult childhood when you learned you had little value to your mum. You have proven it by straightening up your life recently, have been able to work, settle down and have an ok life. I wouldn't risk it.

What do all of those medicines do, why do you have so many?

Thank you both very much for replying. In the morning it has become much clearer and I think it was probably just a reaction to our home life and as one said part of normal adolescent behaviour. I agree that bringing it up may be counter productive as I do want to move forward.
The medications I am on are a mood stabiliser, anti depressant and sleep aid, I do find this combination useful though not keen on the side effects.