I am a mum of 3 kids under 5, my youngest is 6 months old, for the past year I have been feeling incredibly low and sad on a daily basis. I do not enjoy anything anymore and I always look forward to when the kids go bed so I could go bed, my 6 month old just came home from intensive care as he was on a life support machine for 2 weeks, he had pneumonia and a ruptured lung due to the oxygen he was given at the hospital, everything has been going downhill for me emotionally. My 6 month old keeps me up all night as he only wants the breast to settle him. To make matters worse I just found out that am pregnant again. I have been exclusively breastfeeding and did not expect to get pregnant, I have been so down ever since I found out. My husband pushed me to have a termination as he feels we would cope with 4 kids being so young. I was planning to go back to work this year and now everything is out of the window. I made a appointment with bpas to keep my husband quiet. It’s all just getting too much for me. I went to the clinic two weeks later only to find out I was over 12 weeks and my only option would be a surgical termination. I walked away from the clinic knowing I would not do this to myself and to my baby, I already kept beating myself up thinking how I could possible even consider having a termination. I cried everyday for the 2 weeks leading up to the appointment only expecting to be 4/5 weeks, as I never had any period since post birth; my last birth was traumatic as I had a hemmorage, I already felt so low and down for the past year and half, ever since my son been born I have been feeling worse, on top of this now the pregnancy, I just don’t know how I will cope with another baby as my little one will just turn 1 when the baby is due, having 4 kids under 5 is too much to get my head around. I did have a appointment to get a coil iud fitted however I found out about my pregnancy just 3 days before the appointment. I was told because I was breastfeeding every 1-2 hours I would be safe! I went to get my little boy weighed today at the health visitor clinic and just broke down in tears. My health visitors said she couldn’t talk properly as she had other people waiting and said she would come do a home visit in two weeks and go through a questionnaire. I am now sat at home worried sick of what will happen and worried that my kids will be taken away if I was honest on the questionare of how unhappy I am. I am NOT suicidal as I have hope that one day I will pass this dark cloud and I always dream and look forward to seeing my kids grow married etc etc. This past year and half have just been a blur and I don’t remember much nor have I enjoyed motherhood as I should have. I am just so scared and worried of what will happen at my next appointment. I do not have friends or family to reach out to and my husband works 12 hour shifts, Please help,