Hi all, first time poster here but I'm in desperate search of other people who have had a nervous breakdown. I just want to know that I will feel normal again and not constantly crazy.
I had a breakdown at the beginning of October. Looking back now it was brewing for a long time.... years infact. To give a bit of a back story, I was severely neglected as a child due to my mum being a drug addict. Her partner at the time physically abused me (not sexually tho just to clarify) I'll not go in to everything but you wouldn't treat s dog the way he treated me let alone a defenceless child. My grandparents took me off my mum and gave me a stable home. All my needs were met physically - clothes on my back, food on the table, never went without. But I feel my needs weren't met emotionally. We never really talked about the effect my mum had on me. My granny is very old school so we didn't show weakness or talk about feelings. So from no age I kept everything inside so as to appear strong. I had to grow up to fast. My mum would come in and out of my life. She'd do awful things to feed her habit (heroin) like robbing people etc. She'd be in the local news paper and even on the news. We live in a small town so everyone knew she was my mum. it was so embarrassing to deal with growing up. I always longed for a normal mum. Anyway my mum cleaned up her act when I was about 19. I must say my mum was a good person at heart, her addiction just made her do horrible things and understand that, which is why I never held a grudge towards her and always forgave her. I fell pregnant when I was 20 very early on in a relationship. We didn't stay together and I had my son alone. Dad didn't want anything to do with him. I was fine with that, I took to being a mum like a duck to water, but I honestly couldn't of done it without my mum. She helped me with him so much. It was like she was trying to make it up to me. When my son was 6 months I met a man. He seemed lovely, was very good to me and my son. To be honest he wasn't my type at all but I was just giving him a chance. We had only been dating a couple of months when out of the blue I was called in to the HR dept of work. I don't know why but I knew it was bad news... my mum was dead. She'd relapsed and overdosed. It was such a shock. And this is where I think my downward spiral in to a breakdown began. The man is met.... the one I wasn't all that interested in.... I stuck to him like a leech, I didn't want him to leave me.... I needed someone, anyone to help me through this pain of losing my mum! The past came flooding back... broken home, no home with mum and dad... I wanted that for my son and in my mind I would get it if I stayed with him. Then while grieving I decided I desperately wanted another baby. He agreed and within one month I was pregnant. We weren't even together a year. We had a daughter together and after that everything went down hill. He was abusive and violent. I still stayed, from the outside we looked like the perfect little family. I feel pregnant again, another little girl. But the abuse got worse and worse. Eventually (8 long years later) I'd had enough. I left and boy did things get a million times worse! He threatened to kill me and made my life a living hell, stalked me for almost 3 years. During that time I emotionally shut down to save myself from further trauma (according to my councillor) my emotions were on one level at all times.... no joy,no sadness, nothing. I stayed single during those 3 years, too scared to get in to another relationship and have it turn out like my last. But last year I got speaking to a guy, again he seemed lovely and again things moved incredibly fast. Tho early on I started to see something was a miss.... I'll cut a long story short and say that he had an absolutely massive gambling problem. For those of you who don't know, gambling addiction is severe, in some cases worse than drug addiction. That word... addiction, seeing someone behave without regard for other human beings in pursuit of their next 'fix'.... it opened the flood gates to my past. That guy, I tried to help him beat the addiction as a friend.... but I was as powerless against it as he is. I thought maybe I can save him since I couldn't save my mum, but of course the only person that can save him is himself and he just wasn't in the place to do that. Anyway it was that situation that triggered my breakdown. Years of holding everything in and being 'strong' just came crashing in round me. I developed severe anxiety. I felt worthless and hopeless about the future. I was taking multiple panic attacks a day and developed agoraphobia, I couldn't leave my house. I'll admit I was suicidal at points but I could never leave my children without a mum. I went to my doctors and was given mirtazepine, propanolol and diazepam. They have helped grately I must say but I still don't feel like myself which is why I'm posting here tonight. My good days out number the bad thankfully, but even on good days I don't feel like 'me' I feel like an outsider looking in on my life thinking 'is this really happening? Did all that bad stuff actually happen to me?' When I have a bad day I constantly worry that I'll never be better, the only thing that helps me is diazepam and I can't rely on them forever. I send my self crazy thinking I've no right to feel this way. For everything that's happened in the past I've still made a good life for myself and my children. We have everything we need and more. I've really nothing to be sad about, so why do I still feel like this? I'm just wondering if anyone else has suffered a breakdown and how long it took you to get back to your old self? Any tips for getting through this or getting out the other side? I'm already in councelling now and it is helping, but I'm still not myself and I just wonder when this will be over. Sorry for the long one and thanks for reading!