I can't live like this anymore

[AmberCurtain]

My daughter is single handedly destroying my life and I am beginning to loath her. She makes it almost impossible for me to love her.
We have an appointment next week with the paediatrician.......we've been waiting months. I'm not expecting much from it......I feel like I have to have a nervous breakdown before anyone will take me seriously.
Dds dad was abusive.....I escaped from him but here I am.now stuck in an abusive relationship with his child. There is no escape from her. She hits me, kicks me, bites me.....uses anything and everything as a weapon to whack me. She spits at me. calls me a bitch. tells me she hates me. then 2 seconds later is wrapped around my legs begging me for a hug.....saying mummy I need you.
She wont sleep. Every night hours and hours of battle commence in an attempt to get her to sleep. She. now has to sleep in my bed with me because it was disturbing my son so much.
my boyfriend has to sleep on the sofa.....he's extremely understanding. any intimacy in the relationship has been shelved or has to be penciled in when she's at school and we sneak out of work early.
I have tried so hard over the past few weeks to.spend time with her, make her feel special, show her how much I care. non of it matters. she couldn't give 2 hoots.

I honestly.spend a vast majority of my time wishing I was dead.....we had a really bad spellets with her behaviour a few months back and self harming was the only way I got through it.
She doesn't display her awful behaviour to anyone other than me and boyfriend. it makes it look like it's just me and that I can't cope. if it wasn't for my other child I'd be dead by now.........I must be doing something so awful as a parent for her to be like this.

How old is she? And please dont ever say your dd is destroying your life

Have you spoken to the GP or sought counselling for yourself; to help yoy deal with what happened and what is happening now?

Do you get breaks from her?

Yes, how old is she?

And Ink, the op is allowed to say how she feels.

Also, have you spoken to school about this? Do your school have therapists available? That is generally quicker than trying to access CAHMS

How old is she?

Oh you poor thing. First, it is NOT you or your parenting. She's like this with you only because she knows it's safe, that you love her without conditions.

How old is she?

I think in your shoes I would make gp appt urgently for both her and your sakes. Push and push and push for urgent referral to camhs, not just paediatrician. Even ss support - they won't be there to judge you but to help you.

I understand op. Hugs from me, Im sorry I dont have any answers

She's 9

I managed 3 hours sleep last night......I fell asleep in the bath earlier.

I'm shattered and she's refusing to sleep once again. I have been on the go non stop all day. No one else bothers to lift a finger even if I ask and once again my basic need for sleep is denied

Right. Make a long list of everything, with specific instances, for the paed appt next week. Then make an urgent GP appt and tell your GP everything too. Tell them how close you are to snapping and that you need help urgently.

Your dd must be seriously sleep deprived. Why doesn't she want to go to sleep? Has she any SEN?

How do you manage/punish her behaviour?

They think she has an attachment disorder from her dad walking out. She's always been difficult but has ramped things up massively over the last 6 months.
I think she becomes incredibly anxious when it's time to sleep. She can be lead there happily reading and then when I say it's time to sleep it's like a switch flicks on and she turns into a complete psycho- that may sound OTT but she just completely changes......it's like having 2 different children. We eventually gave in and she's sleeping in my bed to allow her brother a good night sleep and to help her get one too. This was working well but seems not to be.

I was removing privilegedes like tablet time etc but it didn't work. She just says she doesn't care. She doesn't care if the neighbours complain or if she wakes their baby. she doesn't care if she smashes up her brothers stuff. she doesn't care if I cry because I'm exhausted. (I have a health.condition which is massively effected by stress.......I have a continual flare up recently because of her behaviour )
Since taking things away from her hasn't worked I've been going down the therapeutic parenting route. It has helped but I need to get a better understanding of it in order to properly follow it......I have ordered a book and also have a friend who is a foster carer and knows a lot about it. she has offered to help.

She went to sleep at 11 last night......an improvement on 1 am the previous night but still way too late. She's been getting into a lot of trouble at school and I don't think the lack of sleep is helping at all.

I spent about £300 sending her to a relaxation therapist......it didn't help although her brother uses the same techniques and is sleeping better than ever!

I'm off work today so I'm going to be really naughty and sleep......I have a lot of things I should be doing but hopefully I can get then done this afternoon.

Right - so it looks like she needs counselling to handle this and to help her for more secure attachments? www.counselling-directory.org.uk/attachment-disorder.html

*form

My Dd has sleep issues like this at 9 I took her to a hypnotist which helped a bit. We also were referred to CAMHs, but she just refused to cooperate at all. However, what we started to realise was that everything was related to anxiety. All her difficult behaviour when she was younger, sleep issues, everything.

Once we knew this it became much easier. She’s 11 now, and very much a different child, although she still gets worked up the night before school in the holidays.

Also, to deal with the hideous sleep issues we put a bed in our room, and sh s fine. We did think she might have been in her own room by now though🙄

Both my sisters in law and myself all confessed we slept with our mums until 13/14. We must have disconnected from co sleeping at some point!

Also, confrontations and sanctions never worked for my Dd. She didn’t care about the sanctions and raising your voice made her worse.

Op did your DD witness any of the abuse? How long ago was it that you managed to leave your ex?

Perhaps your boyfriend is making her anxious due to experiencing the abuse you suffered previously. (This is no disrespect to your BF - but perhaps she can't articulate that she is fearful or anxious).

Does she ever manage to describe how she's feeling, or does she get into a blind rage without being able to explain?

I hope the appointment brings you some answers, and there are some very knowledgeable people here on MN who can also advise. Do you have real life help for when it gets really tough?

I read your post and recognised so many similarities I thought I must reply.

I’ve walked the path you are on. My daughter was just turned 10.

You and your daughter are in recovery. You as an adult have other life experiences, insight and knowledge to move on from domestic abuse. Or you may need help to do this without further damage.

Your daughter hasn’t got the same depth of life to drawn on. Her main experiences are of domestic abuse and it’s aftermath.

When you are in a domestic abuse situation it’s a mother’s natural reaction to minimise the impact of abuse and protect the child. Usually this results in ‘non parenting’ as you are mostly in protection mode most of the time.

You are possibly seeing in your daughter the results of this change. It’s important that you get assistance to understand how the abuse affected you and how you parented during the abuse and your parenting now.

This isn’t coming as a criticism at all. It’s not to do with being a poor parent. It’s to do with parenting in extreme situations and how it changes.

I would say her behaviour is exactly what would be expected given the past situation.

Save the Children charity do recovery workshops for adults, usually it’s for woman. They also do recovery workshops and counselling for children.

I can recommend them.

It’s a long road. I think most people are under the mistaken believe that to get away is all that’s required. But there is so much more needed.

You will make it, but it sounds as though you need a bit of help on the way.

Best wishes.

Thank you for all the kind replies.

I came home from the school run and slept......I've only just woken up. I could definitely go for a bit more too! it has made me realise that if I'm that sleep deprived then how must dd be feeling?

The abuse was all emotional and controlling. He take all my money and leave me with nothing to feed the kids. He tried to cut me off from all my family and friends. Would turn up at my place of work because he was convinced I was cheating on him with a male colleague......a man who had been lovely and kind to me but turned out to be gay! My pregnancy was incredibly stressful and I have read about how damaging that can be to a child. I left her dad whilst I was pregnant......I managed to find somewhere else to live. He continued contact with the kids and so his abusive ways continued. He would use sex as a bargaining chip to see the kids......if he turned up and they were napping he would say there was no point in him coming unless I made it worth his while. I was very young and naive.......my dad had died when I was young and I guess I was desperate to have a man love me and to have a perfect littlefamily. I've since realised that I didn't need him for either of those things. he left me with a lot of debt and in an emotional mess.....his visits became very unpredictable amd I told him he needed to commit to them or stop contact all together......I thought it would be a wake up call but it was just an easy escape for him.
the children haven't seen him in 7+ years. I bumped into him in a car park a while back and literally lost it with him. I screamed and swore and was pretty vile......my daughter saw that. She wasn't upset with me but more that her dad didn't look at her or even speak to her. We see him out and about near our house quite a bit and I think it hurts my daughter that he us so.close by but unwilling to make the effort to see him.
the other day she blurted out that she thought it was my fault that we weren't together and she just wanted a normal family where she saw her dad.
My boyfriend has been amazing through out all of this. we've been together for 4 years. I don't know what I would have done without him. he's very hands on and helps a lot with the kids but does take a step back when it comes to her outbursts as he doesn't know how to deal with them.

I have asked for counselling in the past and told it wasn't available......I know what happened between me and my ex is still controlling a lot of my behaviour and it's very hard to move on from it.

Youre daughter has experienced significant trauma and the behaviours you describe are all trauma based. Its good that youre starting to think therapeutically and are seeking more information about this. Therapeutic parenting is the only way forward. All the counselling etc in the world wouldn't make a dufference without the back up of therapeutic parenting.

Your daughter must be very unhappy.
And scared. And insecure. And in need of a lot of comfort .... some of her behaviours are definately comfort and safety seeking

Youve started thinking like this yourself and how she must feel too.
Thats a great positive for her that your minds in that gear and can only bring positive change.

Advice that is often given to foster carers and parents of children with attachment issues is to do the opposite of what you would normally do. For example... an 9 year throws a tantrum etc and perhaps sent to their room. Perfectly fine.
But for a 9 year old with attachment issues maybe not the best way.

Im just heading into work but happy to chat / listen if u want to pm me

Its a very hard time youre having. And youve your work cut out for you xx

I'm meeting a friend for a coffee next week as she is a foster carer and has done courses on therapeutic parenting.

I'm also going to get to grips with the book wjen I get a moment.

I think I need to have a massive meeting with school because it is clearly causing her a massive amount of anxiety. in the week she is a nightmare to get to sleep. Tonight the children were watching a film and I didn't realise quite how long it was. I said they could finish it given its the weekend. It finished just before 10......dd walked into my room, under the covers and announced she was going to sleep.....and just like that she was out like a light bulb! one night this week it was 1am before she was asleep.

You poor thing, that sounds terrible. I'd definitely take a list of specific examples (what she does, how long for, how often, etc.) with you to the doctor, as a PP suggested, and push for family counseling if at all possible, so that you can be involved in things changing by supporting her in putting the coping strategies she learns into practice. Have you also tried reading the book "The Explosive Child"? I think it might be useful for your situation, and it may help with some of her behaviors. So sorry you're going through this, but really glad you got some sleep today!