Hi,
I don't know who else to talk to about this and I was hoping someone could tell me if this is something people generally all feel to some degree? I haven't asked friends because I often get told I'm ''too deep''/''think too much'' and people look at me like I'm an alien for trying to discuss things on anything other than a superficial level.
I can't imagine myself in a long term relationship or being able to trust someone 100%. My parents divorced when I was a child and it was very messy and traumatizing. They both re-married and both of those marriages also resulted in divorce. My siblings (one sister, one brother) haven't married (both early 30's) but have both been in multiple failed relationships. My sister has 3 children by a man she is constantly in and out of a relationship with and my brother left the women he has 2 kids with.
My extended family isn't much more positive. The only example I've seen of a lasting/functional marriage is my mother's grandparents who have been married for 50 years. Problem is - they tolerate each other and sleep in separate bedrooms. My friends are constantly telling me about their relationship problems/break-ups etc.
I'm in my late 20's and stopped actively dating aged 22. I have since focused on my career which keeps me busy and content. I've suffered depression in the past and find that being single helps me to stay happy - relationships/dating tends to mess with my head and emotions and I don't want to relapse into deep depression as it would affect my career and as a single person, my salary alonekeeps the roof over my head. I don't meet men anymore and I don't like sleeping with people that I'm not in a relationship with, so I just stay celibate. To me, sex is an intimate thing that involves trust and love. I don't want children. This may sound strange but I don't understand the urge to have children - I don't know why people want them. The only real explanation I've been able to come up with is that people want to feel wanted and loved and since children are dependent on their parents they bring a sense of worth to the parents. So to me, it's an egotistical and selfish act, when there are millions of children in the world without parents who could be adopted. I don't specifically judge people on this by the way - it human nature, that desire seems to be in most people in order to keep our species going. It's logical. I'm making an observation, not personal judgement.
I also don't want marriage. I see it only as a man-made legal binding to entitle people to property/money once the relationship fails - an insurance policy of sorts. It doesn't mean anything to me. What people do on a daily basis is what is real - not a piece of paper and a legal ceremony.
So I'm stuck. There is no motivation for a relationship other than occasional loneliness (e.g. festive season), to do anything about it. But even then, it is fleeting. People tell me things like ''when you're old it's nice to have someone to share your life with/have kids to visit you'' etc but that isn't guaranteed - who knows if your partner will live to old age, who knows if you will even still like one another, and who knows whether the kids will visit or if they turn out to be horrors etc.
Ultimately, I think we're born alone and will die alone and everything in between is just trying to console ourselves - part of it is a biological drive, part of it is dependency and ego. I think 'love' is actually emotional dependency and people can't or won't admit to it. I don't think that it's healthy to be dependent on anything - alcohol/drugs/food etc, so I definitely wouldn't want to be dependent on a human being. To me - everything is chemical. The very things that make up our brains are chemicals. 'Love' is just the reinforcement of neural pathways which result in dopamine/serotonin release.
People, especially at family gatherings/weddings etc tend to make me feel like I must be odd for being single in my late 20's and for not wanting marriage/kids or even a relationship at this point. But I look around me and I think they're all crazy and too dense to see it.
I don't know one person who is truly happy in a relationship. I don't know one person who hasn't been emotionally destroyed at some point by the ending of a relationship. And it all inevitably involves collateral damage of children, when they have kids - resulting in a cycle of mental and emotional dysfuntion. I look around me and I see absolute lack of logic, and emotional damage - and everyone accepts it as the norm or the worthwhile risk of being 'in love'.
Do people feel that on some level but just put their faith in another human being anyway, because it's scarier to be alone? Or do people just not think any of this at all?