Feeling worthless

[JammyGem]

Not really seeing the point in anything today. Went for a walk with the intention of jumping in the river but too many people around.

I'm gong nowhere in life. My best days are behind me and I never realised it. So many chances I should have taken. I wanted to feel pretty so for the first time ever I painted my nails. Shouldn't have bothered, I bite them and the nail polish just makes them look even more disgusting. Don't know why I bother, ill never be pretty again.

DH knows I'm disgusting and I couldn't stop crying earlier. He just played on his phone while stroking my hair straight into my face. So I went to the bridge but too many people. Now he's downstairs playing on his game. I've just tried tying a noose but my dressing gown cord isn't looking enough.

I don't know, I guess this is a cry for help I guess. I don't like talking on the phone so can't call any helpline so this is the only place to talk.

You can email the Samaritans too at [email protected]
I think there's a text number too, just trying to find it. Please get in touch with them, you're not worthless

This might be useful with the text number, it's something a friend of mine posted on Facebook, and I know she's found Samaritans helpful in the past...

This time of year is not positive, magical or even down right easy for many so please share and post this to help someone..... Did you know that if you text 07725 909 090 when you're feeling low or depressed a crisis councillor from Samaritans will text with you? Some people don't like talking on the phone and can't open up to friends and family. Some people would be more comfortable texting. This is a service set up by the Samaritans.
Please share by copying and pasting, you never know who you may help!
#itsokaynottobeokay

Could you write someone an email or letter who might be able to help? A friend or family member?
Are you on any medication to help with depression? Is your DH usually supportive or does he not make much effort to help the situation? Do you have children?
You really aren’t worthless and life can always get better even if it takes a bit of time. I’ve been suicidal before too and felt completely hopeless. I’m now in a job I enjoy, a happy relationship and have friends. I’m not saying any of that can happen overnight though and I know how horrible it can be to feel at rock bottom.
Why do you feel you aren’t pretty? I have horrible bitten nails too but I try and make the most of other features like my eyes by wearing a good mascara to make them stand out.
Sending you a big hug x

The text number is a good idea, thank you.

I don't have any friends (except for a couple of people I chat with at work but I doubt they see me as a friend just a colleague) and my family are of the "pull yourself together" mentality. No children. So just DH. He doesn't really see why I get upset and doesn't know how to deal with it so just leaves me on my own.

I'm on medication but ran out a coupler of days ago. The doctors have been closed so I'm calling in the morning to try to get an appointment.

I used to be pretty when I was younger and slimmer. I ballooned after starting my meds and went from size 10 to now size 20. I'm an enormous fat pig. I tried doing exercise to lose weight but it's difficult as I out on weight do quickly that my ankles can't cope and I struggle to walk longer than 15 minutes. I've given up on makeup and doing my hair as all it does is highlight how disgusting I am. DH asked me earlier whether I felt pretty on out wedding day a few months ago because apparently I was stunning. Looking at three pictures all I can think is how fat I look. I'm going to try to redo my nails. My left hand constantly shakes so my right hand nails look awful but maybe my hand can look pretty if I tidy them up.

Hey, at least as a corpse I'd finally lose some weight!

Glad you're calling your GP in the morning, have you noticed a difference as your meds have run out?

And would something like aqua aerobics work for you? That's my new year's resolution as I need something to ease me back into exercise.

And last suggestion, silly but serious, would your DH do your nails for you if you're shaky? Might give him something practical to help with. One of my male housemates at university did mine and said he always found it quite relaxing.

Sorry things are so bad - please reach out to the services posted by PP. I have been help a number of times by the Samaritans.

Remember that depression, particularly uncontrolled depression distorts your view of life, including physical appearance and how you feel about yourself.

I have experienced weight gain due to medication and it can feel soul destroying but there is a way through.
Can you first just see about getting through till tomorrow- if that's too much then getting through each hour or half hour. You are doing brilliantly to reach out at all.

How are you today?