I feel so useless - PTSD

[OhShit2017]

I really don’t know what to do with myself. I have recently been diagnosed with severe PTSD after a very traumatic time which ended 4 years ago. I’ve known for a long time that I have it but the diagnosis has taken a while.

My problem is that I suffer badly with brain fog, forgetfulness, and lack of motivation. Over the last few years I managed to go to uni and I graduated last summer with first class honours, so it might seem like I can still achieve stuff but I feel like I fluked it. Studying was ok because if I missed lectures I could catch up when I was feeling ok mentally, so as long as I kept the deadlines in mind I could just work in bursts when my brain was playing ball.

But the real world isn’t like that. I did have a job which I got sacked from after a month. To be fair, I don’t think it was entirely my fault that I got sacked, it was a very strange place and I feel like I was set up to fail. But that aside, I found that having to be someone for 4 hours a day was really stressful and more than I am capable of managing at the moment.

So now I feel really hopeless. I don’t think I’m capable of doing anything. Even getting the kids to school is too much some days. I feel like I’m working at 5% of what I’m capable of. I run a small business but it doesn’t make enough to live off, and without tax credits I’d be screwed. And that will soon be the case when I get changed to universal credit which could happen anytime. I’m a lone parent and money is a big worry.

I have trauma therapy coming up in around 4 months time when I get to the top of the list, and I’m hoping that will help, but I dont know how much? I feel like I’m constantly in a confused fog at the moment. I’m so frustrated and just want to move my life forwards. I was thinking about applying to do a PhD but the thought of that overwhelms me too. Everything overwhelms me but I have to pull something out of the bag as I have two small people who only have me to rely on. I feel lost.

op I really feel for you. I was diagnosed with PTSD after an incredibly traumatic event.
This was years after being treated for depression, severe anxiety disorder and agoraphobia.
All I can say, is keep going. The treatment I had was fantastic! Finally the cause was being treated, not the surrounding symptoms.
In the meantime, can you get free counselling from a women's centre?
It helped me to not look too far ahead, not think about the bigger picture. Just focus on one foot in front of the other.
I used to break my days down into achievable chunks.
I wish you nothing but the best

Thanks so much, that made me want to cry! I feel like I’m putting all my hope in the therapy I’ve been offered, so I’m terrified of it not really helping and then I’ve got nothing left. I’ve had counselling a lot over the last few years and it has helped a bit, but to be honest I understand inside out and back to front WHY I feel like this, but that doesn’t seem to help me move on from it. I’m floundering. I have set a few New Years resolutions with regards to working harder and being a better parent, I really want to try.

I understood why I felt like I did too, but I also couldn't move on.
The treatment I had was lots of thought challenging, broken down into the most minute pieces.
My therapist was furious that I hadn't been diagnosed sooner (I was referred to her for CBT) she said my PTSD was extremely severe and I had suffered unnecessarily for years.
My therapy has been like a light bulb moment. I'm not going to lie, it can be hard work and a bit scary (I was so worried about the reliving of the event) but it was all completely worth it. It has changed my life.
Hold on in there and include being kind and understanding of yourself in your new years resolutions.
Someone on here once told me that I am the hero in my story when I posted about how I felt.
We didn't get the prince, but everytime you look in the mirror, you will see your hero.

Sorry, I forgot to say, regarding the brain fog, lists and reminders on my phone worked for me.

That’s really good to hear, I’m so glad the therapy was so helpful for you and it makes me more hopeful about mine. I have been left undiagnosed for years too. I went to the doctors so many times over the years and gave them every single symptom of PTSD but each time they’d just tell me I was depressed and try to persuade me to take antidepressants. But I knew I wasn’t depressed. It wasn’t until I did my own research that I came across PTSD and went back to the doctors with the suggestion that’s what I had and they agreed. Severe PTSD was a score of 34 and I scored 84!!

Do you think I’m better off just continuing to tread water until the therapy is done? Or carry on trying to move forward before then? I don’t know how traumatic the therapy will be so I don’t know if anything I manage to achieve before then will be undone while it’s going on.

Wow! It seems like we have walked very similar roads. It's so incredibly frustrating isn't it?
I can't advise you on what to do, it's so difficult to know what to do for the best for yourself.
I carried on taking my steps forward until my therapy came through, but they were small steps.
The thing I've always found the most traumatic about any kind of therapy, is telling the story, so to speak.
The trauma therapy I had, looked at why I was frightened of certain things and then to break it down and challenge my belief system (that I had learned during and after I was traumatised)
In itself, the therapy too traumatic, it's just hard work examining and challenging, however, everybody is different.
My therapy didn't undo anything positive I had done previously.
There is a website called CBT tools I think. It has a section in there about PTSD that my therapist recommended.
I'll see if I can find it.

Wasn't too traumatic, sorry.

I had CBT which led to diagnosis of ptsd and treatment using EMDR, I really recommend asking for EMDR. I really turned a huge corner after this therapy. It is draining, upsetting reliving the memories but very much worth it.

EMDR is the chosen treatment for ptsd in vetrans of war and train drivers who have been involved in fatalities.

The brain fog is awful, quite scary to omit full conversations.

You sound mentally and emotionally exhausted and I'm not surprised having ptsd, being a mum and getting a 1st at uni! Try and find ways to relax, sleep if you can when kids are at school or try something calming like yoga if that's your thing, there's lots of yoga relaxation videos on youtube.

Give yourself a break, you sound pretty super but you are human. I hope your therapy goes well.

I can't do a link, but it's psychologytools.com

Thanks for the link, will have a look.

And yes yoga is on my to do list, well to be honest I’d forgotten it was on my to do list (thanks brain fog) but you just reminded me.

Just had a little cry. Hate the feeling that my life is slipping away and I’m achieving nothing and my kids are growing up fast and I’ll never get this time back with them.

It's a horrible feeling and I can totally empathise with your feelings of hopelessness but you are making moves to get well and that can be difficult in itself.

Have you got other emotional support in RL . It's only been the past few months I've divulged to friends just how bad and dark things had gotten for me and I'm so glad I did as I didn't realise myself just how much I needed their love and support. I'm getting over exhaustion this now but definitely feeling a difference mentally, more positive and healthy.

It might be worth calling the appointments line when they reopen and ask if there's anything sooner or any cancellations.

I do have friends and a bf who are supportive, including one friend who also has PTSD and she is great, she completely gets what I’m going through, my other friends try to help but they don’t really get it.

I’m sure I’ll make it another 4 months, I’ve got this far. I’m just getting over norovirus and I really wanted to start the new year full of good intentions but all I can do is lie in bed and feel sorry for myself which isn’t helping.

Hello, didn't want to read and run.
This might be obvious, but just incase it isn't, the feeling that you are underachieving is all part of being traumatised. If a friend told you they were in your circumstances, you would want then to be kinder to themselves, and cut themselves some slack.
I know it's really hard, but try to stand back from having such high standards for yourself. Tell yourself it's just for a short time, till your therapy starts.
A friend of mine is a psychotherapist who uses EDMR and has told me about the amazing turn arounds people experience.

@ohshit2017 that's really great you've got RL support network, it invaluable. Hope you're feeling a bit better since your op.

Sorry only just seen the other posts. Am feeling a lot more positive at the moment, have got some good things happening in my life. So far so good with the New Years resolutions. My good friend who has also got PTSD had a bad crash over the weekend so I have been supporting her, we get each other through the worst bits. I think my dip last week was largely because of feeling physically ill, which always seems to make my mental health crash. It won’t last but right now I’m ok and making the most of it.