How do you overcome driving anxiety/phobia

[Fustyoldcarcass]

Sorry if this thread is in the wrong place. Not sure where it is appropriate to go.

I passed my test (first time) eight months ago. At the time I was slightly anxious, but looking forward to the freedom that having a license brings.

In the eight months since I passed, my confidence has crashed and I literally avoid driving at every opportunity. I hate it and am petrified of having an accident or just of the sense of panic I get even before I get in the car. I am also terrified of being stuck on a hill in slow moving traffic due to stalling multiple times in a row which happened to me once. I had absolutely no issue with hill starts learning and didn't stall once! If I use the handbrake I stall usually and just generally don't feel in control of the car, but I know part of this is due to anxiety and panic. I know these things are common mishaps new drivers have, but I'm very critical of myself and see these things as an indication that I'm dangerous on the road.

My OH has seemed genuinely scared of being in the car with me in the beginning which didn't help, but he is much more relaxed of late and has tried to boost my confidence, but still gets exasperated by my stalling sometimes, even though he says he still does himself. He says it can be scary in the car sometimes when I panic if something out of the ordinary happens.

I'm thinking about going back to my instructor and doing a pass plus to boost my confidence, but I know that when I get back in my car to drive I'll be anxious about hill starts again. OH says it's a waste of money and I just need to practice and drive more. I just can't overcome the initial fear and get in the car to do this though. I feel like I'm forced to do the equivalent of bungee jumping everyday for someone who is scared of heights.

Has anyone gone back to their instructor after losing confidence? I feel really embarrassed since I passed first time and I even changed instructor at one point as I thought I was confident enough to pass and drive well and he wasn't suggesting I put in for the test. It seems the combination of a crap car (which has since been scrapped) being overly critical and anxious and a petrified partner has crushed my confidence. I really don't know how I can get it back and I think simply 'just driving more' is not enough.

Has anything else worked for anyone else? Did more lessons help? I feel to some extent my ability has been affected by avoiding driving, as I drive less now than when I was learning. I haven't even parallel parked since passing my test.

I'm not sure how much help I can offer as I'm going through a similar thing. I passed a couple of months ago but have had a big lapse in confidence (I wasn't that confident to begin with) and feel panicy behind the wheel for no obvious reason. The thing which sticks out from your post is 'I'm very critical of myself and see these things as an indication that I'm dangerous on the road'. I'm guilty of this type of thinking too and I'll bet this is the main obstacle you need to overcome, I'm sure you're not nearly as bad at driving as you think you are.

Also, I'm sure starting out with a crap car hasn't made things easy. Do you have a better car now? If you've only had it a short time then don't be too hard on yourself as you'll still be getting used to it. Even experienced drivers take time to get used to a different car.

Do you have anyone other than your partner who would be willing to take a few trips out with you? I do think it can be reassuring to have someone with you but if he's not good at being a passenger that's not going to help. Take baby steps, make yourself sit in the car for a few minutes everyday. You don't have to drive somewhere, just take deep breaths and tell yourself you can do this and you don't need to be perfect, you just need to be safe. I'm assuming you haven't caused any accidents, so you are a safe driver, even if you don't believe it yet. Keep telling yourself you have just as much right to be on the road as all the other drivers, you have a certificate to prove you can do it. It just may take a bit of time to feel comfortable behind the wheel, and that's perfectly fine.

I would say to practise specifically areas you've identified as finding most difficult. So hill starts, is there anywhere nearby you could drive out to at a really quiet time of day (eg Sunday morning)? Just keep driving round until you get a feel for the bite. I struggled with hill starts in my car at first, like you it wasn't something I really struggled with in lessons. I think when I collected my car I must have stalled about a dozen times at the petrol station and had to get DP to move the car for me in the end!

Another option would be to speak to GP/refer for private CBT type treatment with someone who specialises in driving phobia. I would think this would be a better use of money rather than paying for more lessons, as you can drive it's just the anxiety side of things which need some work.

Thanks for your encouraging words, I found it really helpful and it's good to know I'm not alone (when I feel that way it puts me off driving even more!). I do look around at other drivers and think that they've somehow managed to drive fine without being terrified, so why do I struggle so much!

Are you an older driver? I'm in my thirties and think if I was a naive 17 year old I would have been fine by now and driving everywhere.

I took the car to the supermarket today (which was quiet) and decided to park in the busier part of the car park and not the furthest space away!! I did actually enjoy it to be honest. That hasn't happened often. I will try to hang on to that feeling and push myself to drive every other day at the least. I think my main problem is living in a busy town with some slow moving traffic and steep hills, along with lovely 4 lane roundabouts! I've told myself that it's a new year and I don't want to feel like this next year. Hopefully I'll get there.

You sound more confident on the road than I do. I'm sure you'll be fine with driving pretty soon.

Fusty, you need to practise your hill starts a lot . So go out on your own at a quiet time and get on a steep hill. Pull in to the side and keep stopping and then moving forward and stopping again. If you know what I mean! Like being in a traffic jam without the traffic. So no pressure of other drivers! Then you'll get confident with hills! Practise as much as you can. I'm sure you're a safe driver, stalling a car doesn't make you a dangerous driver. As you only passed your test not long ago you will now need hours and hours of practise to be a really confident driver. You'll get there!

You are not alone !!! I passed third attempt, in a manual. Hated every minute of it, so bought an automatic. I was also an older learner, and do think, that if I'd passed at 17, I would be far more confident. Absolutely no suggestions...but have also been thinking of cbt, as a pp suggested. Just wanted you to know ur not alone !!

I used to be the same and took me ages to pass my test. Was fine once I passed but a bump in the car shook my confidence for a while. Can honestly say the best thing is "exposure" therapy so just make yourself drive. The more times you do it and nothing bad happens the more confident you will feel.

I also found Driving on my own helped. I used to be super critical of my own Driving. But the more I did it in my own when I did something "wrong" but there was no one there to see I realised it wasn't a big thing and got more confident. I did also go back to my instructor about three weeks after I passed but that was purely to have a lesson on the motorway as didn't want to be one of these people who could drive but would never go near a motorway

I got my license at 40, having been terrified of driving my whole life. Because I knew I would have my children in the car with me mostly, I de died to learn in an automatic, and have never actually driven a manual in the last 11 years.

I would second the exposure theory, too. About 2 months after getting my license, I had to drive home in the snow unexpectedly one night with both kids in the car. I was terrified, and the next morning I was really reluctant to drive, but I made myself so I could overlay the fear with a more positive experience. I didn’t want to risk going back to the phobia I had previously. Of course, there was no more snow, but fear isn’t exactly logical, is it?

Is it possible for you to take a small trip on a road you are really familiar with every day? By yourself if possible.

The only other thing I can think of is to do a defensive driving course, as a way to get you used to driving again and give you confidence you can handle the car.

Sorry for being so late in replying. It has been busy being back at work and I always have issues with Mumsnet (pages take ages to load!)

Thanks for all of your replies and sharing your own experiences. They have been really helpful. I will consider a few confidence boosting lessons/defensive driving course, but I do also need to just get in the car and drive! If I was confident about not stalling on hills I would feel much better, so will tackle that one first. I know with overcoming any phobia gradual exposure is the way forward. It's actually time that's against me as I'm really busy and the fact it's so dark at night. By the time I finish work and cook, clean, put kids to bed it's bedtime for me too! Weekends are usually about errands and doing stuff with DC and time just flies by. I will have to just find a way of making time though, and will try to drive this eve, even if it is a mile up the road and back!

I feel terribly sad how things have turned out. I used to look forward to lessons and was half expecting to pass first time as I did feel 'ready', so was pleased when I did. I have absolutely no idea what happened. I feel quite tearful when I think about it. I think just being back in a lesson environment, having a good drive about roads I'm not sure about and covering stuff I haven't done since passing (paralell parking) and getting a few pointers might help. I guess it's worth £100 for a few lessons if it gets me back on the road!

Thanks again for all of your help. Hopefully anyone who posted on here who is in a similar position won't end up like me!