Hi guys,
I wrote on here about my skin picking disorder and mentioned that I also suffer from anxiety and depression which is taking over my life and I don't want it to beat me down anymore.
My anxiety first started as previously mentioned when I lost my girls, it became rapidly worse during future pregnancies which I had four healthy children 3 boys and one girl. We also had to deal with 2 intense big brother years of social services and when I say intense I am not joking we had reports weekly from annomynous people up until we had a child protection meeting and then all silent reporters were leaked they broke data protection by accidently naming who had called them in the freaking report which happened to be my partners family. We being I don't know naive or thick maybe didn't understand the report until my partner was arrested on going to ask about the letter with his family , we also had the police show up with a camera crew from Channel four who shoved a camera in my kids faces and I was told to go to the meeting alone and told by my speak out advisor what the report meant. My anxiety since this incident has hit a new level. I don't go out, I don't have friends, I don't speak to family or outsiders this is probably the first time I have actually managed to express his since it happened in 2015/2016. I was placed on esa and switched to work related activity and then forced my self back to work in 2016 when my housing benefit was cut to 50p a week. I worked six months at a job I actually liked I was helping vulnerable people like myself get on courses but my anxiety breached and I started to have anxiety attacks on the way into work, crying in work not being able to concentrate. This wasn't just down to my anxiety at the time my manager was making work a very hard place to be always eyeballing or it felt like I was being eyeballed and couldnt do the job which I could have done really well and probably exceeded in. I am not back on esa work related with limited capabilities and I still want to help anyone who has been in this or a similar situation. I don't know if I will pass but I have applied to be a trainee psychological wellbeing practitioner. I even laugh thinking of this but I vision myself with an office and being able to write on the side.
My depression started a long time ago. I was bullied in school, my parents broke up when I was 17. I had countless relationships where I was hurt or used. Then I lost my two precious babies and yes I have healthy kids who I love dearly doesn't stop my aching heart for the ones that aren't here. This is why I get so anxious with my kids I worry they will get hurt yet I can have days where I feel completely useless as a. Mum
I try everything to give them a good life as all of us do. But I know what it's like to feel uncomfortable or unworthy of who you are and I haven't spoken about this before.
I have never really put in to words for anyone to read how I feel daily because I know more people go through worse
For anyone that has or is going through this you are not alone
I am here as a listening ear and any comments will be appreciated
Like I said I have never wrote this for others to read before.
It's personal and the first time I have done so
But thank you for reading.
Jo