Upset

[Koba88]

I have an 11 day old son who is absolutely perfect. My problem is I have a chronic pain problem which is making it difficult for me to do things and making me panic about when my partner returns to work and I am left alone with him. I struggle to hold him due to the flare up in pain and my partner and I are extremely stressed out. My mum helps out when she can but we don't live exactly near her. I am so so down and have recently not wanted to wake up. It's not that I would ever hurt myself, I wouldn't ever do that but I am extremely unhappy and know how selfish that is when thousands of people would give their left arm for a child. The chronic pain makes everything seem impossible. I know I had the problem before I got pregnant but unfortunately it has developed into a new problem which I never thought would happen. I hate my life at the moment and feel like I am drowning.

Sorry to hear you are struggling- if you feel down then speak to either the health visitor or gp maybe?

Hopefully someone with experience of newborn babies & chronic pain will be along on here...

Please, speak to your GP or health visitor as soon as you can. And be kind to yourself - you have just spent nine months growing an entire person and it's only 11 days since you were in labour.

I don't have children but I do live with chronic pain. I am sometimes incredibly hard on myself and have expectations that are unreasonable as I don't want the pain to 'win'. It's a cycle.
Often it takes a friend to gently remind me that I'm being mean to myself, and a jolt back to reality occurs as I realise that I'm back in the cycle and I need to step off the roller coaster.

In the longer term, get your GP to refer you to the Pain Management team at the local hospital.

Hi Koba- I don't suffer with chronic pain but just wanted to say you don't sound selfish at all; you sound worried and tired, which due to the circumstances is totally understandable.

I have a few suggestions but first wanted to apologise because you may have ruled these ideas out already and think they are useless:

Would finding a good, local childminders help at all? Could you afford an au pair? Have you looked on the Mumsnet Au Pairs board? You may find and arrangement which is not as expensive as you might think.

Are you entitled to any additional support because of your medical needs? Speak to your GP/ midwife/ health visitor and find out, if you haven't already. Google chronic pain support and contact all the charities you can to see what they advise or if they can help while your baby is very young. Your husband needs to organise this help asap to help alleviate your stress and so you baby will become familiar with whatever avenue you decide or can afford as soon as possible.

Do not feel bad asking for outside help- newborns are hard enough work without chronic pain.

Thank you. I haven't seen my health visitor still but when I do I'll tell her. My midwife knows how difficult it has been as towards the end of my pregnancy I was unable to move much due to the pain and trying not to take maximum amount of painkillers.

I was debating on an au pair I didn't know there was a board on here I will look, thank you for the suggestion. I will also google chronic charity support systems. Thank you. It's so difficult, I literally beg each day for it to settle and just be exhausted from night feeds and just general tiredness from having a newborn but it's not it's this condition which is ruining my time with my son. I am wishing away this time with him where he is so dependant which I really don't want to, I love him being this small but I know the older he is the easier it would be on my pain management. :(

Can you bottle feed and take pain relief?

Also, lots of babies have got to nursery at three months when parents go back to work. It might be worth looking about and talking to a few to see if they would be able to support.

I would also get a large, A1 wall calendar and mark in where I can get help- can your partner book his holiday for next year now and spread it out (Fridays off for a month in January so you know you only have four day weeks alone for a month, for example), mum come to stay first week of Feb, other family members and friends to stay...This would give me some peace of mind and let me plan for when I know I am unsupported.

Have you looked for mum and baby groups in your area? Contact them and explain the situation. They are usually really friendly and an organiser may have suggestions and be able to come round to talk to you about local support for parents.

Your husband must also make it as easy as possible for you to be left alone to care for your baby. Obviously, I don't know details of your medical condition but would a mattress on the floor with the baby's bed next to it help you lift/ place down/ sleep by the baby? I have a snuzpod which means I hardly have to lift my baby during night feeds. An electric baby rocking chair might help as you wouldn't have to power it. He needs to leave you food which doesn't need preparing.

Can you also have an emergency contact available? Do you have neighbours who could have a key for example?

I am sorry if I am overloading you. I just want you to know there are options and there is support; your husband needs to organise it as soon as possible to help stop you worrying about the future instead of looking forward to it as much as possible.

You could also start a thread in Childcare or Parenting as you might get more traffic so suggestions about childcare support from people with other health issues. :)

I was thinking exactly what Penelope said - I think you'll get a wider range of replies in Parenting or Childcare. I hope you get to see your health visitor soon

Thank you very much, no you aren't overloading me they are great suggestions.

My baby is bottle fed already due to complications after birth and medication I currently take. The main problem is my original condition is still here which we knew it would be but on top of that another problem has surfaced which doctors are unable to treat and have explained that only time will potentially help heal. Unfortunately my partner works shift work where he is gone for nearly 14 hours per day and we have just moved house and I don't know any of my neighbours.

My health visitor is here today so I think I will have to tell her everything and go from there. It's so difficult because I feel so down and I know I should be so happy as I have my lovely son and a wonderful new home but I can't enjoy any of it.

Yes, do speak with her and let her know how you feel and what the situation is. She is there to help. Let us know how it goes and what she suggests, if you feel up to it and have time.

I'm glad you're seeing the health visitor today, hopefully she'll have some helpful suggestions.

Thank you for your support. She saw me and immediately made a doctors appointment due to a scoring on the Edinburgh scale. My doctors are seeing if taking medication regularly and not as when needed can help the newer problem and I will be reviewed in a week. With regards to help there is nothing on the NHS to help but my partner and I remembered my good friend has quit work for a few months and would be happy to support on days that I need her. An ever so small light at the end of the tunnel. :)

Thank you for letting us know. In was wondering what had happened. Your HV sounds supportive and having your friend to help sounds like a great arrangement.

I hope you are able to really enjoy being a new mum soon and wish you all the best for next year.

Thank you for the update. It sounds like your doctors are using the 'pain wall' technique of taking painkillers at regular intervals to keep the pain squashed to a manageable level.
When it was first suggested to me it sounded a bit odd, however I have found it really helpful.

Wishing you, your husband and baby a Happy New Year