Is there something wrong with me?

[duskmum]

I just feel something is wrong with me. I find it hard to make and keep friendships. I 'fall in love' so quickly and become obsessive and attached to guys. If it ends i'm a wreck and so emotional, overthink what i could have possibly done/become obsessed until the next guy. I try so hard to be a people pleaser. I just don't feel this is normal behaviour.

I also feel down alot of the time. I'm quite sure i had PND. I was in a refuge last year due to my EA ex. Most of my past relationships the guys have cheated on me, my self esteem is low. My overthinking drives me crazy i hate it! I second guess every single thing, like theres some hidden meaning. I keep thinking maybe i should go to the docs and get AP. I've had counselling in the past but its only a temporary thing.

Sorry this is quite jumbled im just trying to get down my thoughts.

Don't apologise, it's very brave of you to share how you feel. I think if you have experienced emotional abuse and have low self esteem this will have a knock on effect on your life. I would strongly recommend having counselling to gain a better understanding of how past relationships have affected you and to be able to move forward, break unhealthy habits and learn to value yourself. Take care and best of luck x

Sounds like you need to give yourself a break. It could perhaps be anxiety but also from what you say you haven’t had the easiest of times of late.
Visiting your gp and talking about your worries would be a good idea to put your mind at ease or get help if you need it.
💐💐💐

You sound like me op. I am nc with dm +df and never really had relationships with either. Have always assumed this is why I am shit at relationships of any sort.

thanks midge i couldnt tell anyone in RL because i think they would think im actually crazy. I dont know why i'm so needy and clingy. It strange because i know what i do wrong but i just cant stop myself!

Thanks cookie i hope i dont freeze up at the docs, i just get a bit embarrassed talking about my mental health and then i tell to down play things.

Did you discuss attachment disorders at your counselling? I am not diagnosing you ( as I am not at all qualified) but your post suggests anxious attachment which could also explain why you are critical of yourself and possibly also go some way to explaining your PND. It could also play a role in your relationship with your child and their future relationships. Is it something you have explored?

It was only recently that I came across the concept of emotional regulation and it explains a lot of what I've felt in my life - feeling like whatever you feel - sadness, excitement, happiness, even just liking a guy, etc. - you feel it almost intolerably intensely, and swing from one extreme emotion to the other without warning.

As I understand it, emotional regulation is just that - the ability to regulate your emotions and respond to them in a way which promotes your wellbeing and positive interactions with your environment. Perhaps do some googling and see if it speaks to you at all in relation to what you're feeling?

There is a therapy, DBT, which is similar to CBT but adapted for people who feel emotions very intensely. You can get self-help workbooks etc. online and I may look into it in the New Year.

penelope no it wasn't discussed. I don't think i liked the type of counselling that i received. It was mostly talk based so me just talking and didn't get much back from them. So they never pointed out why i do this or anything. No its not, i may look it up and see if it relates to me.

koko yes that sounds so similar. I'll look into DBT because i was thinking about maybe doing CBT to help with my self esteem and confidence

I thought attachment too.

Sorry, had to post and run.

I thought it sounds as though it could be an attachment issue, as well. Like Penelope said possibly anxious attachment.

You can work on this but it would probably require private therapy, is that something you might be able to afford?

Duskmum's suggestion also sounds useful - anxious attachment is formed in babyhood and is to do with how a baby learns to regulate their emotions (whether their caregiver is able to help them do this, basically). So something to treat the symptoms of emotional regulation could be helpful, with longer term therapy to help with attachment (you can move to a state of secure attachment, with the right help).

I just looked up anxious attachment and this struck a huge cord with me!

"How does an anxious attachment manifest in adulthood?
Children who have an anxious attachment often grow up to have preoccupied attachment patterns. As adults, they tend to be self-critical and insecure. They seek approval and reassurance from others, yet this never relieves their self-doubt. In their relationships, deep-seated feelings that they are going to be rejected make them worried and not trusting. This drives them to act clingy and feel overly dependent on their partner. These people’s lives are not balanced: their insecurity leaves them turned against themselves and emotionally desperate in their relationships."

This is exactly how i feel. I dont understand where it came from though. I know i was very clingy to my mum when i was little and would get anxious if i couldn't see her etc. But i cant think of anything that would make me behave this way.

Duskmum, it's to do with the caregiving you receive in babyhood.

It's not a criticism of your main caregiver but some parents (no matter how hard they try or how much they love their DC) aren't able to attune themselves to their DC needs enough for the child to form a secure attachment to them.

It's to do with how your caregiver relates to your needs and helps you to regulate emotion. You wouldn't remember it as it's formed in up to age 2.

fugitive that scares the life out of me because i have a 18 month old DS and i worry about my behaviour and PND rubbing off on him and then him not forming an attachment with me. I hope he doesn't have this when hes older because its awful!! I would blame myself too

Duskmum, please don't worry. It's not about blame or people doing anything 'wrong'.

Many, many people form secure attachments with their DC even after having issues with their own childhood or whilst dealing with PND etc.

The very, very vast majority of parents do their best.

To be honest I think the core damage is done by parenting mantras that preach methods like crying it out or scheduling a baby to follow a parent's routine rather than parents being responsive to the baby (I am not saying this is how you parent - rather that these kind of cultures are harmful).

Individual parents just doing their best have nothing to feel guilty about. Just try to focus on what you can do now to improve your own MH and relationships with others.

I didn't want to worry you! Please don't blame your mum or yourself. To be honest, I was just how you describe yourself through all of my teens and twenties. It was only when I reached my thirties I became confident in myself and everything clicked into place. Did I have attachment issues? Maybe. If I did they subsided and naturally maturing helped me immensely. Do you mind if I ask how old you are deskmum?

fugitive yes i see what your saying. I never liked forcing my D'S to follow my routine. I know my parents did with me and my Dsis though.

That's ok Penelope I feel as I'm getting older though I'm getting worse. Maybe because I'm having more bad experiences with men. No it's fine, I'm 26.