Supportive encouragement feels like obligation

[AnxiousMunchkin]

Wondering if anyone can help me to challenge this kind of thinking, if other people find they do this too!

When I’m struggling, some people will suggest things or encourage me to do things that will help me to feel better. I don’t mean in that ridiculously unhelpful “my auntie’s hairdresser swears that this Amazonian tree bark supplement harvested under moonlight by shamans has completely cured her depression, you should try that” way (especially when they keep on at you about it after you politely decline the suggestion!) - but people close to me who care for me, gently encouraging me to do the things that we know help me to get through the day and feel a bit better. Such as, do I fancy taking the dog for a walk today. Am I going to do a bit in the garden. Would I like them to run me a bath. Shall we go out for food and cinema.

Rather than hear that my loved one is trying to support me, I hear criticism - why haven’t you walked the dog, the garden is a mess and there’s lots that needs doing, if you just looked after yourself and made an effort to enjoy yourself you’d be fine. Buck up.

I think this is essentially the internal voice of my mother talking.....but how do I challenge this warped thinking? I hear criticism, feel obligation and guilt, and then just shut down and go for avoidance. In that moment I don’t believe that a walk/time in the garden will help anyway, and I don’t deserve nice things like baths and eating out. Even though past evidence would suggest these things help. I can’t hear the support being offered and allow myself anything that does me good.

I’m just rambling now.... but if anyone recognises this it’d be great to know I’m not the only one, or if you have any thought challenge tricks advice gratefully received!

I recognise this! It's good you can see yourself doing it - that's half the battle I find. To be honest, I would try talking back to the voice: "oi, quit having a go at me, I'm doing my best and it's not that simple. Now sod off while I enjoy this bath". I know this sounds comical, but it's what helps me. Best wishes

Could you try and take some of the more common examples and rework your thinking?

So if someone suggests taking the dog for a walk, write down what you think they are saying (i.e. why haven’t you taken the dog for a walk, it’s so lazy etc) and next to it list the other things they could be intending to say with it:
It’s a nice day, you’d both enjoy the walk!
If you walk the dog, the fresh air may help to clear your head.

Does that make sense?

As you know you do this, you can choose to change by telling yourself that the advice is not critical. Just keep saying that to yourself. You'll get to the stage where you can accept others' assistance with grace.

Jam good to know it’s not just me! That doesn’t sound comical to me makes complete sense.

LooksLike writing it like that sounds like a good idea. I find writing things on CBT worksheets and things pretty useful I don’t know why I hadn’t thought about it before.

The trouble is I can only see it after the event - at the time it’s not so easy.

After the event is a good time to do it to. Then you can also swing in a ‘what was the worst thing you thought would happen’ with a reality based ‘what did happen’.

The other possible option is to tell those people who are trying to help you how it feels. Perhaps they could help by giving their suggestion for help with a reason - like ‘why don’t you take the dog for a walk, the fresh air could help’ so that you hear the positive that is no doubt intended?

Oh yes, I do this all the time. Then add another layer on top of feeling bad for the person who is trying to help, and guilty that I am essentially rejecting their well meaning helpful suggestions. Actually it's been really useful to read your op as it's put into words better than I could have done. So thank you for sharing it.

As for challenging it, that's a work in progress! I do think recognising it is a great first step though. For me, it's so inbuilt and it's something I've always always done so it's going to take a lot of work to unwire it (currently in long term psychotherapy) It's not an easy task, but I hope it can be done, and that you find your way through it too.