I’m losing

[Soldiers]

I may ramble....
Changed username (obviously) I’ve posted in relationships after a horrific night and had brilliant support. I think I’m just ranting.
Really - I’m fighting a losing battle.
“D” (not so much) H has battled with my never ending support his own MH battles. Without medication he is a grade a cunt, to be blunt. Medicated he is tolerable, but still pretty self absorbed. LTB - I know I know, but I am unemployed, unemployable but atos seemed me fit for work... so I’m so fucking stick it’s untrue.
I’m just so broken right now, i had short term depression which I think was mainly due to meds for my fibro & just generally adjusting to being poorly. I battle on. I look after everybody. Last night I spent sobbingninto my pillow. I have no friends I could speak to, DH snored away, everyone I know is posting their work parties & festiveness. Honestly I just want it over with. The only thing keeping me going is my 2 boys. If I had 5 minutes to myself alone I could honestly just drive off a cliff. No-one would notice until their breakfast/dinner/soccer boots were missing.

I'm sorry you feel like this. Have you tried to plan a way out? Is there a point you can prepare for- kids start school or something?

its not the kids.

So you can't plan for and prepare for a time you can get away, because it is your illness that traps you? I'm just trying to understand.

Oh. I’m not just imagining it. It is actually me - my fault. I’m a hideous unlovable human.

Sorry. Cross posted.
Yep. Trapped by my illness. I don’t even know how people start to get away.
I did say I was rambling . I’m so sorry. I’m in a lot of pain and I can’t make my head and fingers match up.

You are looking after everyone else, you say. How old are your boys?

7 & 13. They are actually brilliant lovely boys (stinking pit aside!!)

Do you have any support, family members or friends?

Not really. Family are 250 miles away. I couldn’t bear for my mom to see me like this anyway. She’s hardcore & is proud to have brought me up the same. Friends - one is on the other side of the Atlantic, would probably charter a flight to give me a hug (but that would make me feel guilty & pathetic). My only local friend has a heart of solid gold, but she has a sick child, money worries & enough shit on her plate. She would drop everything and come here❣️, make me tea, cuddle me & be insanely wonderful, but no - I couldn’t ask of her. I’m the strong one. The funny one. The Mom on the playground who is bulletproof.... I’ve put up a front now that I can’t shake.

It doesn't mean you have to keep that front up. You are human and you need support. Those people would hate for you to suffer alone.

I’m so sorry to you 2 who've taken time to reply. I’m being 1 of “those”... people.
How? How do I just call someone and say hey - help. I really just don’t want to keep waking up every morning. My life feels like a ball of anxiety and uncertainty. I’m desperately unhappy. How the hell does someone respond to that? I just don’t think I’m worth the effort anymore.

It's ok to take a rest from being the funny one! I'm sure the other mums at school would want to help.
I have two boys too.

You're not being one of those people'. You are being you, a mum and wife and daughter who needs a bit of support now herself.

I sometimes ring someone and say I just needed a chat. Or I need a chat, something's getting me down, can we meet for a coffee?
Maybe you could suggest a meet up with your ds's friends and their mums.

Ok. I’ll see if I can ride it out. H is out (again) tomorrow. I’ll see if I can pluck up the courage to ask & get out.

It’s no good. I’m still a ball of anxiety. Shaky. Trying not to just cry. I really can’t go on like this.

OP try googling distress tolerance- there is a 'get self help' link that has 40 odd pages of excellent strategies to cope when feeling really distressed, I think you'd find it v helpful. I have severe anxiety too and that's been great for me, hopefully for you too.

Thank you - I’m in the middle of looking... a few bits have stood out & are helpful. Never been anxious before in my life. I think it’s built up from a series of incidents that have chipped away.... looking at this maybe I can chip back the other way x
Thank you so much. I was just about losing hope. I was ignored last night as I lay crying & thought my last bastion of hope (I know an Internet forum - desperate) was abandoning me too. How unloveable must 1 person be.

Sorry, went to bed! I hope today gets better for you.

I'm on ADs at the moment for depression and anxiety. I've wrestled with it all my life, made worse by a series of events. This year I decided that ADs were the way to go.

Pain and illness and stress are the reasons you feel rubbish, not because you are unloveable! Try and remember that your feelings have chemical roots. Your hormones, brain chemicals, all work constantly at controlling our mood, and sometimes they get off kilter. When I feel bad, I try and remember it's a chemical response rather than that the world is crap. Does that make sense? It helps me, anyway.

Soldier you're not unloveable, you've just had a lot to deal with and it's made you feel lousy. I think you need to make a plan of steps you need to take, for example 1. Go to dr for some anxiety medication, 2. Do some self help (I use those distress tolerance ideas, deep breathing, writing all my problems down, aromatherapy and yoga) 3. Speak to the people who care about you about it and 4. Start brainstorming ideas of ways to remove the problems in your life.

Are you ok this morning? I'm thinking of you.

Thanks for the messages this morning. I made my way through the distress tolerance lists & a few things really jumped out at me. I used a couple to work through the “big trigger” I was feeling & it actually helped. I’ve made a semi plan in my head & am breathing through it all. Woken up in a slightly better frame of mind. I’m still very very sad, but can now see that it stems from an outside problem & not from me. I’m feeling quite cold and ambivalent towards that “problem” right now. I’m going to take time to work on ME and strengthen my mind then I’ll tackle that one. I’m not sure about ads - no perceptions towards anyone taking them, but I’m not sure they are the answer in my case. I do need to sort out pain medication and self care though - I think that will have a dramatic effect. I’m martyring myself at the moment & in hindsight can see that.

Thank you again. Those techniques were brilliant. Onwards & upwards (tentatively & hopefully)

Pain is in itself depressing. I'm glad today feels a bit better. Developing a bit of a plan, having some techniques, working out some options- taking back a bit of control instead of being swept along by circumstances. All helps you feel better. Well done. Keep on keeping on!

Best wishes to you soldiers. Stay focussed and stay strong.