Loss of Friendship due to depression - anyone else?

[cluelessblogger]

I have a childhood friend who is like a sister to me. We don't live that close but used to be in touch 3 or 4 times a week via text/email/phone and in the old days even letters. We knew pretty much everything about each other's lives, always there for each other. I love her but I am at my wit's end and feel like I am grieving for a lost friendship.

She now barely communicates with me, takes weeks to reply to emails/texts if at all. Never asks me about my life and if I do mention something she never follows up on it.

Over the last 5 years her home life has deteriorated to the point where I know she is desperately unhappy but she is stuck. I cannot go into detail but I will say her scenario is similar to being with a partner who she constantly argues with, is stressed out massively and has a child with SN that is exhausting. She started to clam up about home life about a year ago and when I ask about how things are she either doesn't reply or delivers one words such as 'awful' 'nightmare' and 'the usual shit'.

I have been there for her 100% during this period of her life, kept her afloat, bent over backwards to help her, done nice things for her and have expected nothing in return. I love her and worry about her and want her to have the life she deserves. I don't have much to complain about really in my life and try and count my blessings and am lucky enough to have (for the most part) my physical and mental health. I am always humble about this and very very aware that a lot of this is down to just pure luck - I have had tough times in my life but at the moment things are good.

At the beginning of the year she visited the Dr who said she was 'mildly depressed' and she was prescribed some pills for it. She has tried counselling for some of the issues going on in her life and pretty much exhausted all avenues for help outside of her family unit.

Things are just not right with us. On the few occasions we've met up in a group this year she has pretty much ignored me or made some form of derogatory remark, barely able to look at me really. She has pretty much stopped contact with me but every now and again will pop up with a cheery email/text to which I promptly reply and then nothing for weeks. Her behaviour is very very out of character, so much so that I have asked a close family member of hers (who I have known for a very long time) what is going on, she is also worried and doesn't know how to help and says we should just let her know that we love her and are there for her. I've done this countless times and am now beginning to feel like a bit of an arsehole to be honest. You don't go from talking every other day for 30 years to not answering emails for weeks on end without something being up, right?

Her withdrawal from our friendship and lack of communication is very hurtful, I have cried into my wine a few times, deleted countless emails in which I try to express my confusion and frustration. I have looked at numerous websites regarding depression and can only conclude that she is now severely depressed. I feel terrible for her and wish I could help. Then a moment later I feel ANGRY at this stupid depression for taking my friend away and angry that I don't even know if she is actually depressed because she hasn't said so. Then I get cross with myself for feeling this way, knowing the nature of depression and knowing that of course it's the illness making her behave in this way. Why won't she talk to me?

I read more about depression and know that I cannot come out and say 'hey are you depressed?' or 'hey, my feelings are hurt that you ignore me'. I have contacted her saying hope you're ok, I'm guessing not, here for you, let me know if I can help.

I just don't know where to go from here. I'm so frustrated and it's really making me miserable. I'm getting to the point where I just feel like I shouldn't bother at all but then I feel heartless and I know that a symptom of depression is pushing away the people you love.

I just want to make it clear that in no way am I venting my anger or frustration on her. I am very laid back and both times that she has cancelled on me recently I've been very understanding and said, no problem, let me know when is good for you next, hope you're ok.

I just don't know what to do. Should I just 'accept'that our friendship has gone and move on?

Any advice from someone who has experienced similar?

Hard to say, what do you feel is best? Even if you take a break from each other now, you may perhaps pick it up later in life (some months, a year from now perhaps). You seem to be doing all the right things now.

I don't want to take a break from her, I want her to want me in her life which she clearly doesn't at the moment. I've got to the point now where I am second guessing everything, never know what to say and what not to say for fear of upsetting her or having her think I don't care. It's Christmas Eve and ordinarily we would text each other, I'm pretty sure that won't happen this year. I feel like an idiot now trying to communicate with her.

I was reading on another thread about what to say to a person with depression. Someone who suffers from depression said, don't stop sending the texts/invites even if we don't reply or come out. How long is that supposed to go on for? I feel like an idiot being ignored or constantly turned down or cancelled at the last minute as has happened recently with thinly veiled excuses.

It's the not knowing. If she came out and said to me, I'm very depressed I could at least think ok well I'm doing all the right stuff and not harrassing her. I feel like I'm harrassing her. I can't ask her outright, I can't tell her how upset I am by all this, I can't abandon her but at the same time how do I maintain a friendship when she's clearly not interested?

Oh I don't know, it's all so upsetting and confusing, I just want my friend back and I want all the shit that's happening in her life to start to get better.

Why can't you ask her outright if she's depressed? She might appreciate it and open up to you xx

From what I've read it's not really the done thing and might spend her spiralling even further?

I also feel terribly guilty for wanting her to be her usual self and question where I am coming from. I'm telling myself I'm concerned for her well being - which I am - but then think I'm being incredibly selfish. If she had cancer I wouldn't be expecting her to reply to emails/send birthday cards etc so I should accept that depression is an illness on a par with this. But I don't know and that's part of the issue. I want her to say in a roundabout way, it's me not you which is incredibly needy and selfish of me.

I don't want to put extra pressure on her by asking when she clearly doesn't want to talk about whatever it is. And yet here I am complaining and wanting to know. I feel helpless.

Thanks to both of you for taking the time to read my ramblings. I feel like I'm in a grieving process so god knows how she must be feeling like

I think what would help is if someone who has previously suffered with depression came onto this thread and explained it from their side.

Well I myself have suffered from a few quite severe depressive episodes. I'm quite open about my mental health and I would have honestly loved it if I was struggling and a friend directly asked me about my mental health. It would make me feel that they truly cared and we're trying to understand. But I get that so many people with depression are not open about their condition and feel uncomfortable talking about it. If your friend is avoiding people then you may be right, they may not want to talk about it. I'm sorry you're hurting and you sound like such a lovely friend. Sorry I can't give you any more advice xx

You have been a good friend so don't blame yourself. I have a friend who sounds remarkably similar to your friend and I was hurt to be blocked from her life last year.

Eventually, she contacted me and from what I can gather she felt she was dragging me down. My life is running smoothly at the moment and she feels she needs to stay out of it to allow it to continue to do so. She made it clear that it was her choice.

She has a new group of friends now and they are a fresh start for her. They don't remind her of the guilt she feels when she sees me due to me having supported her through difficult times. They are also not a reminder of these bad times, like I am. We still stay in touch and send cards and random gifts but, in a clichéd way I suppose, I love her enough to let her go.

I cannot say with certainty your friend is thinking along the same lines. There have been times I have traveled across the country to find my friend, as I have been so worried about her, but at the moment this is the way it is and I have to accept it. She has however made this clear to me, whereas your friend hasn't. My exDH suffered from depression. He said the best thing a friend did for him was to turn up on his doorstep in the middle of the day, with a takeaway and ask if he wanted to share it. They then simply asked what was going on. He had been terrified but their calm approach soothed him and helped him open up.

Apologies for the long post! Hope something in it may help and that you have had a good Christmas.

Thanks calmday and 'penelope* I read your replies late on Christmas Day and both were helpful.

You sound SO strong penelope and reading your experience made me feel sad but in a weird way better (or could that have been all the prosecco??). It does feel as though she is trying to phase me out of her life but there are glimpers of hope where she appears to be her usual self. It's also difficult as we have mutual friends going way back and 3 or 4 times a year do things as a group. I went away for a few days over the Christmas period and felt quite calm and collected and 'accepting' but on my return I am FURIOUS as I see that she has replied almost instantly in the affirmative to a group email with regards to meeting up and yet the email I sent to her two weeks prior to Christmas offering to arrange a group meet up STILL goes unanswered.

I feel like a fool and am dreading (a different) meet up with a couple of other friends arranged a few months ago.

I think the best course of action at the moment is no action and just to get on with my life. So hurt.

Sounds like you had a great Christmas :)

Thank you for the compliment too! Having relationships with people who have mental health issues can be incredibly hard and sometimes I feel we are the forgotten ones, who are expected to put up with every mood swing and all the hurt which comes our way without complaining or showing how upset we feel as it could further damage the person with the illness. All counselling given and advise offered when I was with my exDH, in particular, was aimed at him when actually I also needed support in order to support and understand him. Knowing which behaviour is part of an illness and which is simply the person being selfish was something I struggled with. I have friends who suffer with depression or anxiety, but who are the most selfless and kind people you could meet. They would say having mental health problems does not make you a dickhead. However other friends with problems are huge dickheads, so is that down to their illness or simply their personalities? Can you even separate one from the other?

Fury is natural but try to remember you can't argue with the logic of someone who is suffering with untreated mental illness. Trying to find rational explanations to behaviour is sometimes impossible. Has your fury started to subside yet? I think giving your friend space is the best course. I suspect she will, at some stage, reach out to you. Be warm but don't be afraid to draw a line too. I would be warm but distant if this happens; still be a friend but keep some space between you.

Yes, my fury subsided and then I felt awful so sent a text which was never replied to and then I was cross again.

I decide to take the bull by the horns as really after so many years as friends the whole situation seemed ridiculous, all this pussyfooting around. Having felt like the friendship was lost what did I have to lose anyway by getting in contact again and getting to the point? I tried to compose a serious email but I just couldn't get the tone right and was second guessing every word so I deleted everything and wrote a short humorous (I hope) email which seemed to do the trick. Within minutes she got back to me to say - in not so many words - that yes she was very very depressed, hated being there, was trying to get better and hoped that I would be there if she came out the other side.

Such a relief. Not a relief that she is ill but a relief to know. I feel like I can breath again.

Thank you so much for the support on here, it's really helped.

I am glad your friend has spoken to you and now you know the lack of contact is really not your fault. You are a good friend, and she knows it. I hope in the long run she can be close to you again. Take care!