I feel like I'm poison

[LEMtheoriginal]

I am not nice. I make everyone unhappy - my eldest dd suffers anxiety and depression. My youngest tells me I'm grumpy and shouty. I feel like I'm pushing her away. I am making my Dp miserable and I'm just not someone people like. I don't have any friends because people see me for what I am

I am going through the motions of Xmas. Have spent a small fortune that I can't afford to assuage the guilt that my existence is such a blight on everyone around me.

I am self centred and narcissist - aren't they the same thing.

I love my DD'S so much but they don't feel loved.

Stop and take a breath. If you were actually narcissistic you wouldn't be calling yourself narcissistic. I think you sound depressed yourself. Why do you think you are grumpy and shouty? I don't believe its all your fault, i don't believe you are poison

Thankyou - i suffer from anxiety. I'm desperately worried about my oldest dd with whom I have little contact. Her choice really. I put the tree up with dd today and pretty much sucked the joy out of it for her. Because I feel guilty about dd1 as she probably won't bother with a tree. She is with her dp of 10 years and is coming for Xmas day . But I'm worried it's going to be awful and I don't want to ruin it for everyone. I spend a lot of time being scared of dying (health anxiety) but lately thinking it would be better for everyone else.

Please speak to your GP and try to get some counselling, things can improve but you can't do it alone. I know you are worried about dd1 and you feel guilty but this helps no one. Be kind to yourself first. And try not to overthink things. Small steps