Really messed up.

[RavenLG]

I’ve really messed up.

I’ve been suffering on and off with anxiety and depression since 2015. I quit a job as I was effectively being bullied by the management and caused the issues. I was out of work for about 10 months, got a temporary job absolutely loved it and really regained a lot of my “normalcy” back. As the job was temporary I wanted to find something permanent and found an amazing job in the same company, more what my degree is in, more money loads of amazing opportunities. This was in June. October I had a bad episode with anxiety again (triggered by my insecurities and a fleeting comment made by the head of my department after I cocked something up at work) ended up having a month or so off sick. My manager has been nothing short of brilliant. She also suffers from anxiety so understands to some extent what I’m going through. I went back to work but deep down I knew I wasn’t ready. I’ve made myself ill with anxiety, I’ve constantly got an upset stomach with churning and tension, my depression is quite bad I feel numb and lost, even though everything in my life is pretty good (just bought a house, amazing partner etc). Work is a major trigger but it’s not the work it’s my insecurities socially if that makes sense (I.e. I have it in my head no one likes me, I’m faking illnesses, I’m a fraud, I don’t do anything etc). I’ve been referred to occupational health who were good and recommended a lot and even put me on a phased return. But I’m just not able to leave the house and overcome the anxiety. My house is very much my safe space and I can’t do it. I try and I try but I get into such a state.

The thing is now I’ve really fucked up. As I’ve not long moved house I’ve not registered with a new Drs so I lied to my manager and said I had a sick note until Christmas. I know it was colossally stupid, but I couldn’t even get over the anxiety to phone my old Drs and explain or explain to her. I’m at my wits end now panicking as she’s asked me to send her a photo of the sick note to send to hr. I feel so bloody stupid! I’m 30 years old and shouldn’t be acting like a child but what do I do? I’m absolutely ill day in day out with anxiety churning in my stomach and all these crazy thoughts.

Either fess up or say you have lost it and will apply for another one.

Have you tried counseling?

have you told anyone else this?
do you have anyone nearby that will support you to make the call to your gp to get the ball rolling?

Unfortunately there is a wait for counselling and I can't afford private. My employer has a programme you can do sort of DIY online counselling but I've not had internet due to house move. Meaning to check it out since we got internet installed.

I am trying things like guided meditation and have been suggested to get tested for low this and that at Drs but need to go register.

I've not told anyone, DP thinks work has just given me time off (he's not really clued up on how normal workplaces operate, he works for a family ran trade business and has so since he was 15 and fresh out of school). I'm fine when I'm with him so I know he will come with (as he needs to as well) register at GP, but reaching out to my GP took a lot! And I mean a hell of a lot the first time, I'm not sure I have it in me again.

I guess I'm just having a pity party and need to suck it up and take the consequences and expect a sacking

Hi. Oh OP I really feel for you! I know only too well how anxiety rules your life and the paranoia you feel. If it was me I’d maybe ask your manager to come round to your house for a meeting. Confess and profusely apologise but be honest. If she like you said has suffered anxiety in the past or does. Ow she will be a little sympathetic. You have to fess up and I think doing it in the comfort of your own home face to face you may be more comfortable and she may be more sympathetic. X

Thanks Naomi she has offered to come and see me before she goes to her parents for Christmas. She’s so lovely and genuinely understanding, but it’s also embarrassing as hell as she’s younger than me and it feels like I’m a genuine failure crying to someone 4 years my younger who is a deputy head of my department about how I can’t leave the house. I know I need to fess up, I’m just absolutely shitting myself about it as I don’t want to lose my job.

It’s also our Christmas Secret Santa on Monday and I’m worried I won’t be able to get my present in and then the person will know who the gift is from and think it’s shit when they do get it! Oh I wish my brain would have a day off

I know it feels embarrassing. I once had the most masculine manager, like bodybuilder! And I once completely just broke down to him and he literally looked at me like are you serious! It can’t be any worse than that. I promise you as much as you feel embarrassed she won’t think for two seconds oh god I’ve got this woman who’s four years older than me telling me she’s really not well. She will honestly just want to help. Do you have a a close employee at work you feel comfortable with that you could maybe ask if they could come too for moral support? Or why don’t you write everything down in a letter and have that as backup so worst case you can you just say I can’t talk but read this. Let’s be honest the minute you open the door to her you’ll cry but I promise when you’ve spoken to her you will feel a weight lifted. Be strong. I know it’s hard. I don’t know if you’re on any medication but I recently started sertraline for anxiety. And honestly I feel so much better. I feel like my mind isn’t going 24-7 and that I can see clearly. Massive relief. I really would suggest maybe speaking to your gp they will be more than happy to help. I suffered for years thinking I can do this myself and now I realise it was silly, there are so many people who want to help and can help. Big hugs x

Thanks Naomi I do take fluoxetine but I do admit I often forget days so it’s probably not as effective as it should be.

Everything you’re saying is 100% right and I know I need to just tell her. Unfortunately I don’t have anyone I’m close with at work (I’m quite an awkward person and don’t make friends easily, I’m 5years older than most of those who work there and while that’s not a lot in terms of where we our in life / mentality I think it is, and we have little in common). I think I’ll just have to speak to her on Monday. Thank you for your help.

Would it be unethical to ask your old doctor for a sick note? It's not like you're faking the anxiety - it's what got you into this mess in the first place?

Good luck Hun, let us know how you get on and I’m sure she will understand your reasons. X

Hi OP, just wondering how did you get on? I hope all is well x

My DD suffered from severe anxiety a few years ago and couldn't leave the house, she was prescribed medication and was seen very quickly by counsellor, she struck lucky with the counsellor who was amazing with he. Her partner also used to insist she go out for walks with him which helped her a lot. Your partner will not understand how you feel but might be able to help you with making decisions. It is hard to be proactive when feeling so low everything is difficult. At the same time I had a collapse mentally and we both helped each other, my partner didn't understand, but he was willing to let me lean on him and ask him to make decisions for both of us till I felt well enough, unfortunately I had to wait 7 months before being referred to a counsellor, who I didn't really gel with. I paid to go privately and found the counsellor on a recommendation, she helped me so much giving me the tools to look at things differently and to go forward.
Hope all goes well with you and you find the help you need.