Partners mental health is destroying me

[Calmdownboris1]

I don’t know where to start. Its so hard.

Me and DP (together 15 years) have 1 DS (4). DP has narcissist tendancies, one GP diagnosed him as bipolar and suffers from depression.

He is on and off meds. More often off. He saw the mental health team yesterday, was prescribed Sertraline but instead of taking it he has gone out drinking. I will now have to lie to my staff and make up a story about why I will be 90 mins late to work tomorrow (so I can take DS to school). They wont be able to even get in the building.

He has an alcohol problem- once he starts he cannot stop until he passes out.

He had an affair 2 years ago. It lasted 10 months. It was the worst time of my life. He left me for her then came back. We have worked on our relationship. I don’t know why we are together, I love him but also hate him. Am I with him because of DS? Maybe.

He stays out drinking all night at least twice a week. He is self employed and doesnt pay a penny towards any bills, including our joint mortgage. When he is on a bender he wont pick up the phone and will be oit until late morning the next day.

I’m trying so hard to keep things together for DS but I am now an anxious mess. If he doesnt answer the phone to me my heart starts pounding and I go into panic mode.

I’m sick of lying to everyone , pretending that I’m happy and keeping everything a secret.

I get that mental health isnt his choice, but where do you draw a line? Mental health or just him being a complete arsehole.

Jeepers. He doesn't get to blame mental illness for this! Selfish arse. Leave. What on earth are you or your child getting out of this relationship?

I honestly don’t know. Fear of handing over DS to him every other weekend? Fear of everyone being right when they didnt want me to give him another chance after the affair? Fear of being alone. I don’t know. I do know though that it is destroying my life. In late 30s, so lonely and gate everything about my life other than DS.

*hate everything

I feel like a terrible Mother. For not being able to “fix” DP so that DS can have a proper relationship with his Dad. I know thats wrong, I’m not responsible for DPs behaviour but I keep on trying for DS sake.

That made my heart sink reading it.

I think 15 years is enough.

This man will always be selfish and you are his safety net.

I think the line needs to be drawn now for your child's sake. I have family members with serious mental health issues they will have for the rest of their lives and they work, pay their bills, take their meds and look after themselves - they would like nothing more than to be in a loving relationship.
He can't even be faithful.

Seriously life is too short to feel an anxious mess because of him and if you don't stop it now this will be what your child sees all the time in the future.

You draw the line when he becomes an abusive twat who refuses to accept and seek treatment for the fallout from his addiction and mental health problems. In other words, you should have drawn it long ago, but definitely do so now. Tell him to move out. If he doesn't, see a solicitor about how to get out of whatever legal entanglements you have with him. He's a cheating, selfish, alcoholic twat who has no respect for you or your son at all whatsoever, you need to end this before you wind up losing your job, and your son starts asking questions.

'Fear of handing over DS to him every other weekend?'

See a solicitor, it might be that you will not end up handing him over. As it is, your DP will probably fuck off and not bother.

He's an unfaithful alcoholic who doesn't pay your bills? Fuck that for a game of soldiers. He can't blame all that on his MH. He's being a selfish bellend.

Leave him. Go via CSA for support. And start reporting him for being drunk/under the influence so he can't see your dc by himself. Keep a note of all instances where he is drunk/inappropriate/etc.

Honestly. Nothing is worth this. Leave him and start your own life with your dc where they won't be scarred by his behaviour.

The mental health issues are one thing. But the adultery, alcoholism and being a slacker is entirely separate.

My husband has anxiety and depression. It's difficult sometimes to figure out when he is exhibiting symptoms or when he's just being a stubborn, difficult shitbag. He is 90% a good person, 5% feeling bad about himself and 5% shitbag. But he works, he provides, he's a good dad, and mostly a good husband. He doesn't drink too much.

I think you need to consider splitting with your partner for good. Never mind his MH, you need good MH to have the strength to be a good mum to your son. You are only going to get better by getting away from this man.

I feel like a terrible Mother. For not being able to “fix” DP so that DS can have a proper relationship with his Dad. I know thats wrong, I’m not responsible for DPs behaviour but I keep on trying for DS sake.

You're not wrong. You can't fix him, you can't change him. All you can do is change your own behaviour.

Trying for DS sake?

If you want to give your DS to gift of good future mental health then get him away from his alcoholic selfish shitbag of a father.

If you want him to grow up into an abusive anxious alcoholic like his primary male role model carry on as you are. He will likely treat his girlfriends the way DH treats you and expect to blame them for all his problems because that's what he sees you choosing for yourself.

You should probably ask MN to move this to relationships.

And in the middle of all of this you have a child who is being damaged.

Does your love for this man trump your child’s future mental health?

No it doesnt. And I don’t want DS to think that this is normal. But he does. DS is so used to DP not being here he doesnt ask after him or where he is. He doesnt see us arguing because quite frankly I have given up. There is no point arguing, crying, silent treating because nothing will ever change. DP will make all the promises in the world but the behaviour will repeat itself in 2-3 days.

I feel stuck in a cycle that I don’t have the strength to get out of. I’m constantly juggling a tough career, DS and hiding the fact I’m mentally strggling myself to leep life steady for DS.

Well then if it doesn’t and I’m talking about your child’s future mental health here. The one that he has to deal with when he realises his childhood was far from ideal or normal... or properly happy.

If he’s used to him not being there then make it permanent and one where he can witness his mother relaxed and not tightly strung.

My husband has mental health problems - major ones - he can't work and is on a cocktail of medication. He doesn't drink or do any of this crap. Honestly, this is your one and only life and you are currently allowing him to control it. DON'T live like this. He has chosen most of the current aspects of his own life; now choose yours. Go and see a solicitor and for God's sake make a life that is bearable for your child, even if you can't do it for you.

New year. New start. You and your child deserve a happy life. He’s never going to change, he’ll probably get worse if anything. It will ramp up.
Make a plan, voicing it on here has maybe been your first step so what’s step no2?

Envisage yourself being happy and content somewhere new, without fear of the door opening.

You already manage effectively as a single parent. Your life will become much easier when you aren't trying to manage an alcoholic as well as everything else.

You say DP so you are not married? Do your rent/own? In whose name?