I'm finding it hard to stay together

[MrsWhirly]

Please bear with me, I'm not sure how to put how I am feeling down, but I do know that something is telling me that I am heading fast towards some sort of breakdown and I don't know what to do.

I have a lot of responsibility. Only child two elderly parents, one with cancer. Responsible for their everything really. Work full time in a high-pressure job/role. Promoted last year, feeling like I can't cope. 2 dc's plus a DH who is incredibly immature and has no responsibility for admin or decisions, self employed and rarely earning decent money. So all the financial pressure is mine too.

I feel trapped, a failure because I want to move to get my children into a good school but can't because can't get a mortgage due to DH. I feel sad and angry, I feel like I will be found out at work soon.

Once a month a suffer from terrible PMT, at least 10 days of it. I snap at my children, smacked my daughter once and have recently thought about throwing myself in the river, but I would never leave my kids.

Physically my heart is racing all the time, I can't sleep and my skin hurts - if that makes any sense. I have no-one I can be this honest with in RL. I'm scared to go to my GP, I wouldn't want my DH to find out and later accuse me of being 'Mad' during a row as this is the sort of thing he would do.

I would welcome some advice and any experience of similar. I have always been an incredibly strong and resilient person but really feel like I am not coping.

I'm sorry you're going through a tough time. I don't have masses of advice but I will try my best.

I think that you have so much to deal with, it's reached crisis point and you are understandably struggling to cope.

The biggest thing that sticks out to me is that you simply don't have the support of your husband, this is a huge deal and it sounds like you have to shoulder all of life's responsibilities on your own.

Perhaps the first thing to do is to see if your relationship can be improved, therapy perhaps? I would suggest individual rather than couples therapy as it will give you an outlet to try and work through the issues with an impartial but hopefully supportive person. It sounds like you really need that.

To be blunt, your husband needs to step up to the plate, both emotionally and financially. You need an equal supportive partner, not an immature man child who drags you down and doesn't contribute anything meaningful to your life

Thanks, you are quite right about my husband. He indeed offers no support whatsoever in terms of the responsibility I shoulder. I just don't have the energy to keep begging him to change. I am ashamed to say I have accepted that I made a bad decision in my choice of husband and have been getting on with it for the last few years (we have been married 11) I tried relationship counselling a few years back, he refused to engage. He will say I love you, and I believe he does but he is happy to sit back and watch me crumble. He lacks empathy.

Is leaving him a possibility? I know it's a big step but o think he's contributing massively to your mental state.

Please go to your GP. You don't have to tell your husband the reason. You can get something for the feelings of anxiety.

I have thought about leaving him many times, or asking him to leave to be precise! But I have never quite 'got there' in terms of actually doing it. I can't bear the thought of having to share the kids, and I suppose because he's not abusive as such it has never felt like I or my children would gain anything. Well, I clearly would. Not sure my kids would. They love him.

What is the GP likely to give me? Will I still be able to work?

They can give you diazepam (Valium) for your anxiety.
A good magnesium supplement is also very effective. I use Nature Calm, you can buy it from Amazon.
Doctor may offer ADs. Personally I couldn't get on with them, the side effects were horrendous.

However these are just plastering over the real problem. I totally get that you don't want to share custody of your kids, I really do. But unless there can be some tangible changes made on his part then unfortunately this situation isn't going to resolve itself. Would he be likely to go for 50/50 in the event of a split?

I don’t think antidepressants plaster over the problem, I think they help in the short term to give you the strength to deal with other things. I take antidepressants and don’t suffer with side effects. I don’t feel amazing but I do feel stable which is the crucial thing. Without them I felt like you, that at any point everything was going to crumble around me and I was really struggling to cope. You have a lot on your plate, way more than me and whilst there are certainly changes that need to in your life antidepressants could really help you cope in the meantime

I do appreciate that ADs work really well for some, but trying to get to the root of the problem is vital too, although I agree that taking them can enable some people to be able to deal with the wider issues.

It might seem like a little thing but could you write down all your worries/pressures and then try to work through them and find ways to help yourself. So could you look Into whether your parents could have a carer pop in once a day to reduce the burden, get a cleaner/extra childcare to give you a break at home, speak to your gp just to find out whether there is anything they can offer you in terms of support be it a prescription or advice on local services and counsellors, spend some time on you to help you feel better... New hair, spa, make time to see friends... I find if I break things down into manageable chunks I feel less overwhelmed. You could try the head space app just to help clear your mind.

MrsWhirly, you have got serious stress problems, no wonder you feel like you are going to have a breakdown. You are probably still a very strong and resilient person, but you are over stretching yourself.

I recognise many of your problems Your PMS and sleep is bad because you are stressed. It's a wake-up call, it's your body telling you that you can't do this anymore.

You need to start saying no. You are wearing yourself out, you will have nothing left to give if you carry on. Say no as much as humanly possible, start prioritising yourself. You will not be popular.

You may very well find yourself leaving your husband. I did. And after I made that decision, I have hardly any PMS and I sleep much better.

Can you at all afford any help like cleaning etc.? Can you delegate more at work?

Thanks everyone. I don't have any time for friends or even to get a haircut without taking one of the kids with me. I don't even get any time in the evening because my daughter is terrified of the dark and refuses to go to bed without me. I feel so stressed today that my hair follicles hurt - that is the only way I can describe it.

Re: Divircing my DH, he would definitely go for 50/50 which I doubt he would get but I genuinely don't feel that this is something I could deal with in the short term.

Reading this thread, I realise that work is a huge stress point for me. I work in a high pressure/performance organisation. I have done really well worked myself up and I am/was respected. However a year ago I was promoted and moved to a new discipline which meant starting from Stratch. My boss is very hands off and I struggle. No where to delegate as no staff but I can't leave as I am the 'breadwinner'. I feel so sad my life has ended up this way. This really wasn't the plan.

You've so much on your plate. I take Citalopram-started it when I was in a similar situation to you. For me it just helps me to stay calm(er) in the midst of the storm. I also have some diazepam for occasional use. Getting to the root of your problems is important but takes time. In the meantime medication can give you a mental break.

Definitely go and see your gp. You’re DH won’t find out unless you tell him. Speak to your superior at work if you can. I don’t agree leaving your husband is a good move at this point but just try and focus on your own needs and those of your children. If he’s not supporting you or negatively affecting you, try and distance yourself a little or look for support elsewhere. Unfortunately sometimes we can put all our energy into something or someone and still nothing changes! You need to prioritise your own needs and if you ever feel guilty about that, just think of your children. They need you happy and healthy!

Also I know it’s hard but try and find one thing you can do for yourself that you enjoy. For me it’s running, I go once the kids are in bed. It’s might not be your thing or you might be limited because of your daughters sleep but try and find something. If your lying in bed with her maybe try a book, some calming music, a podcast or meditation.