Reaching out for some support please

[AnxiousMunchkin]

I’m sorry for posting an attention seeking thread. I am really struggling with a severe depressive episode, I ‘officially’ have cyclothymia and obsessive compulsive disorder, and I suffered a major bereavement about a month ago. I’m not coping well. Not suicidal just really struggling with managing to do anything or even working out what I should be doing. I haven’t been eating or sleeping properly at all. I have cupboards full of healthy whole food ingredients but not only can I not find any motivation or energy to cook I can’t even think what I would cook or how to do it. So I either don’t eat at all or binge eat junk and have put on a lot of weight. Haven’t managed to keep up with housework well at all, the only things that have got done are things machines can do. My partner is away at the moment and I’m hiding from him how bad I am feeling because he can’t do anything whilst he’s not here and he worries. I have still been just about managing at work and no one would know I don’t think although I’m not up to my usual standard, apart from when I’ve had the odd kinda hypomanic day due to not sleeping. But right now tonight I just feel like I’m frozen with anxiety and quite honestly feel like taking a few codeine pills with wine so I can just sleep and not be conscious for a while. There is quite frankly rubbish all over my living room and kitchen which needs throwing in a bin bag but I’m just sat staring at the mess. May as well be living in a wheelie bin. When I sleep I am having very vivid dreams and sometimes feel confused as to what is real and what is dream. I don’t know what I want from posting this really, I’d love someone to tell me what I should be doing but I know that’s not realistic! I’m just very alone tonight I guess and panicking a bit about being unwell. So handhold please I guess. Either that or a new brain. Aargh.

Hey, there will be more along in a minute but you've overloaded yourself. Break your tasks down. Let's get rid of the rubbish first. Do you have a bag to hand for it?

Bin bags. Yes. That would be a start I guess. I can do that. The bin itself is overflowing but I should be able to empty it. Right. This is what stops me, everything seems to need something else to be done first and then I can't work out how to do anything.

Well you've done well there! Let's just do the bin first.

Pick 20 pieces, count them. One, two, three, ... that would be manageable. Next day, 20 more pieces.

Ok the living room is mostly de-rubbished. Still very untidy but at least actual rubbish is gone and the floor is clear so roomba can vaccum it. And the stinky things in the kitchen went in the bin bag too. I haven't faced the overflowing bin itself. That feels like I may as well try to fly to the moon to be honest.

I think, shower, and make sure I have uniform for the morning. Shower is quite daunting. How pathetic.

I texted the Samaritans as have found that helpful before. They’ve taken 3 hours to reply though, so it seems a bit pointless. Like everything.

Well I’ve failed on having a shower. Too overwhelming. I’ll have to in the morning, I got through the second half of last week on dry shampoo and wet wipes. Disgusting I know. I have work clothes in the tumble dryer though so at least that’s something. I’ll have to leave for work early with all the roads iced up it’s going to be a nightmare.

Have taken my meds (at the usual, prescribed dose) and going to put on a yoga nidra sleep meditation to hopefully drift off. Have doused myself in sleep aromatherapy balm. Fingers crossed.

I just feel like I need to be tackling the big picture but I can’t even do the basic tasks in front of me like wash my hair or empty the bin. Pathetic.