DH says I’m selfish and inconsiderate and I believe him

[Mum8]

I feel very teary these days and I’m seeking help. However my self esteem is very low these days, if not always.

I’m at home on maternity with a preschooler, an 8 month old and my 5 year old who started school with no family and I feel overwhelmed, hopeless and doing the School runs makes me feel even more worthless bringing up memories from my own childhood.

I feel very sad and if I say anything to DH who is working full time, he doesn’t really want to listen. He did initially but now feels I’m always the victim and do not think of him who is also tired and helps which is true.

Sad thing though is that he says I’m selfish and only see my side and I believe him. He says that I never keep friends as something is always wrong after a while when I complaint about some of our friends and in a way he is right.

And I feel worthless and want to cry all the time. I’m angry at him though for all this, gave up speaking though as he does not get it that I’m hurt even when I say so as he laughs or starts putting me more down.

I did mention that I feel he’s not sensitive to my feelings and he says he’s tired of me being down all the time and making myself feel the way I do.

And I feel lonely and agree with him. My friends are not ones I confide to, feel very exposed to do that and to my own family I cannot speak to, my mom that is, I used to but she just want me to feel instantly better and it doesn’t really help me.

I do not want to hurt myself, but I often feel if I died slowly and without me doing anything to cause it, it just happens maybe then my other half will value me and I’m not worthy of anything anyways... it hurts me hear him say all those negative things about me but I know it’s up to me to believe what I want to... and I feel very low, like nobody values me and I’m only looked at with pity or one people do not want to associate with or as strange and that makes me feel low ...and I have no one to speak to

Have you consider that you may be suffering from post partum depression? Sounds as if you need help and should speak to your GP as soon as possible.
I am not surprised you feel overwhelmed you and your husband chose to have 3 children very close together.
You need help and support from health professionals and once your husband sees you really are unwell you may find he and your mother are more sensitive to your needs.

Yes, I agree with what posh says. Have you spoken to your GP or health visitor about the way you feel? You do sound depressed to me and there is help available, but you need to make an appointment with your GP and tell him/her how down and hopeless you're feeling.

Many women experience post-partum depression, sadly it's very common, but you won't be judged for it - you will be helped. Please call your doctor and/or HV and get the ball rolling. There is help out there, but you have to ask for it.

Yep..all of the above...

I thought the same but the doctor said it’s probably not as in all honesty I will never hurt myself. She did suggest I contact the NHS counselling and self refer myself which I did and I’m seeing someone at the end of the month. At the moment I do not get any me time at all, I do all the school/pre-School drop offs and pickups and I do not get to sleep till 10:00pm as DH comes late and after I put everyone to sleep I have to prepare everything for the next day. I complaint to DH about it, but he gets angry as he comes from works and does cook a meal to ensure we have something ready and helps a little with getting everyone ready for bed so he is helping already... I am exhausted though and feel like he does not have the time to be sweet to me either which does not help. I feel completely alone though weekends are often better

Well having a baby at home no, you won't get much 'me' time. I certainly didn't. But what about at the weekends? Do you get to go and have your hair cut, or stuff like that? Is the preschooler at nursery for 15 hours a week? If so, you should get an hour or two every day when your baby naps, surely? And if your preschooler isn't at nursery, is there a reason why you're keeping him/her at home?

Yes two hours a day the baby sleeps but that is when I do the dishes, wash her bottles, sterilise and run around to do the bits I need to prepare for baby who’s also now crawling so I can’t really call that me time. Preschooler is at nursery for 2.5 days which is the 15 hours but I still don’t feel relaxed iykwim. I am grateful though he can still go on those days. On weekend is easier cause I share the responsibilities with partner or have time to tidy the house but that’s not me time as such, though I’m grateful to be able to do that. DH hardly gets me time himself but at leadt he goes out to work so he has kid free time unlike me. I love my children and I never regret having them but I need to find a way to recharge... and having no family around or no money for a babysitter does not help...

I am surprised your doctor said you dont have post partum depression because you do not harm yourself.
I think you should make an appointment to see another GP
I find your attitude towards your husband very odd. He goes to work to support you while you stay at home with children you decided to bring into this world. Why do you believe you have this entitlement to "me time"
Your husband is not out enjoying himself he is working with all the stresses and strains that brings and then he helps out when he comes home.
This is called being a parent.

Does he do bedtimes and is he involved with the childcare on his days off?

Sorry, just saw your update.

Poshindevon I was a working parent before maternity, working with a long commute and totally I understand DH, because I was there and I did share the responsibilities like he does.The difference is that I was able to handle it then, perhaps because I had a lunch break at work and adult friends to talk to which gave me some sense of myself. I think the issue I have with my husband is that when he is stressed or tired he does not want to speak, he only wants to just get on with the day and have minimal connection with me and minimal connection makes me feel isolated. And when I feel the way I do now and he also ignores me, that makes me feel completely alone and adds to my depression feelings, he can ignore me for a whole week no problem for him,but I cannot function that way. We have not had a date the two of us since I cannot remember when. I asked about it and he knew as a woman i do need this, but he just never saw it as a necessity. Think this is a constant disagreement we have and what usually happens is that I am very down and tearful and if he happens to be relaxed, he will connect with me, have some chat just the two of us and all of a sudden he is the best partner I have. The issue now is that he has a new job further away and with a newborn baby and school runs and everything I feel run down and it could be postnatal depression too. With DC2 I was able to handle DC just fine, but I did not have school runs then, I was younger and the depression I feel now was not an issue. I also had a kinder manager so I always knew going back to work was a nice thing as my manager enabled me to be a mother and a good employee too which is not the case now... and that depresses me too