Crisis line. Keeping myself safe

[BraveButShaking]

What happens when you call your MH crisis line?

Also what would happen if I told my surgery that I didn’t feel safe having my meds in my home in case things got too much?

[BraveButShaking]

Maybe, but I don’t feel ready. I think it’s a control thing. My ED started as a way to have some control over my life. It still does serve that function, but it’s so bad now that it controls me. Maybe I’m trying to find another way to have that sense of control.

[TheOrigBrave]

OP here. That's a very good questions Messed and it has made me think.

What would you expect the MH nurse to do? A massive part of my issues surround control and she feels it's very important that I control my life and make my own decisions, not that I make decisions based on what I think people want me to do, or that decisions are taken out of my hands.

Having had some days off work (I started a new position in Oct) I am able to see just how important it is to me. I am a completely different person at work. My new colleagues know nothing of my MH, past abusive marriage or my ED. I am the confident, successful woman that I think I portray to the world, but am less able to do that in other parts of my life.

My sport is hugely important to my sense of self as well, but I am told I over-exercise, which has taken some of the joy out of it. Doing a jigsaw just doesn't give me the same buzz!

I can see my resilience is VERY low. Over Xmas I've been overwhelmed by the smallest things.

[brightandbreezynot]

How much exercise do you do?

[TheOrigBrave]

I run 4 or 5 times a week: club speed session, couple of medium length/speed and a long run at the weekend, totalling about 30 miles.

I swim twice a week, 1K each time.

When I can I do a low key, fun boot camp in the village.

[brightandbreezynot]

As a fellow exerciser, running a total of 30 miles seems a lot but not tyo excessive as long as you enjoy it and you are mixing with people.

[TheOrigBrave]

It's really not excessive IMO. I love it. They are concerned more with my attitude to it - that I get twitchy if I can't do a planned run (I'm ok if I know I can't fit it in) and also that I am not eating enough.

I understand that but I do not agree with it being excessive.
I do run a lot on my own and often in the dark at this time of year but in my running club world that's not odd at all.

[TheOrigBrave]

I am away for a couple of nights with family so obv don't have my stock pile.
Me and DS2 in a room together. It's lovely and stressful in equal measures (lots of cousins together and some strong characters).

I am short tempered.

[TheOrigBrave]

Really stressed. Too much family together. Went to cry or go home. Can you send some encouragement?
Sisters keep asking if I'm ok. Only one sis knows of issues.

[TheOrigBrave]

It's been ok....well I endured it. Not all bad but glad to be in my bed with just my LO.

I love my family and our times together, and seeing the cousins together brings me happiness, but I am ready to get back to the routine now.

[TheOrigBrave]

Struggling today. Not been sleeping well at all.
My MH nurse is away until 20th and I don't see her until 25th so I've called the office and asked to talk to someone else. I won't know them at all obv, but hopefully just having a chat will ease my anxiety.

Since someone called me end of Nov about a CBT referral I've heard nothing. I'd really like to know what the status of that is ie whether I need to just accept it won't happen, whether I need to wait a while or whether it hasn't even been discussed at their team meeting.

[TheOrigBrave]

Had a psych appt this week and he's aware of the stockpile (think my ED nurse told him).

He asked if he could contact my GP to request meds (that he has encouraged me to re-start) are issued every 2 weeks instead of 4.

And he's urged me to give stockpile to pharmacy.

I will decide about re-starting when I see ED nurse next week.

Very difficult week with ex and I don't feel ready to hand over stockpile. I need the control.

[TheOrigBrave]

Update: I have called the crisis team once; they were kind.

Since then I have seen my GP for support. I gave the stockpile back. He said he would call the crisis team on Friday and they would call that day or yesterday. No one did. This just compounds my feelings of feeling like a burden and a fraud.

I feel lost at sea without the thought I could just take all those meds and finish it.

[ShackUp]

Hi OP, sending and strength

[ShackUp]

Well done on handing over your meds. Is there any way you can call surgery tomorrow and follow up with your GP? You are not a fraud and you matter

[OldBlueStitches]

Hi OP. I just came across your thread. I totally get why you wanted the stockpile and the control part. That you had a choice about not taking them, or taking them - either way it was your choice. I've done something similar in the past.

I don't think you're a fraud, from what you've posted here. In fact I think you're brave. You called the crisis line which was unknown for sure until you actually did it, and you've been getting through every bloody day!!! When you're feeling as bad as you do, that's a difficult thing. And I have times like that too. I have a big group of marathoners who I support regularly and honestly think that while running marathons is tough, at least you get recognition and congratulations for doing it. But, it's only a few hours and you know it'll be over then. It's not the ongoing grind of keeping going, keeping going, keeping going. What you're doing is MUCH harder.

How's your running been going? Any chance of one today?

[TheOrigBrave]

Thank you for replying.
I'm ok, I have a calm and lovely day ahead with my DS today.

I see my GP again on Friday so I will wait till then. I don't feel comfortable following up.

My running is brilliant, I will work on many other aspects of my behaviours that are of concern but I will not alter my running, the positives it gives me far outweigh the negatives, though I acknowledge I am putting my health at risk and thus risk not being able to run at all. I can't get out today as DS with me (single parent) but we are seeing friends later and me and pal going for walk while her DH minds the boys.

[TheOrigBrave]

So, someone from the crisis line called me today.

We had a chat. He asked me why I'd been to my GP in the first place and what support was I expecting from him. I explained that it was for local support while I was getting used to meds and increasing dose because I'd been feeling quite unwell.

I felt the MH guy was intimating that I shouldn't have gone to GP but to call crisis line for support - since I am already under their care.
So, now I feel I wasted the GP's time and feel I should cancel the appt I have next week (that the GP advised, I didn't ask).

He also gave me a bit of a lecture about how an OD is more likely to give me life long organ damage than finish me off. Nice. I know that anyway.

I had thought that seeing my GP was a more appropriate way to access such support rather than straight to Crisis team, so now I feel like a twat.

GP gave me a single sedative to give me a decent nights sleep. I am saving it till Friday, which is the first opportunity I'll have to actually sleep in and (more importantly) I won't be alone with my 8 yo (incase it works TOO well!). I actually cannot wait to just sleeeeeeep.