Need a pep talk

[user1482573375]

I have had MH issues my whole life, I have BPD, numerous members of family do as well.
Feeling very depressed at the moment, due to MH. Have aways struggled to chat to people, bond with people.
I have 2 best friends, I am close to my aunty and cousin. I have a sister in law I get on with.
I have a 12 yr relationship and a 8 yr old son. My partner is a depressive which I didn't find out about until I had moved in after falling pregnant.
I had a grim childhood with a VERY unstable father, not very nice mum.
I am 39 and my anxiety is worse than ever. I feel lonely in relationship, lonely socially. Terrified my partner or I am going to die. He has had a slight cough off and information 3 weeks and I have headaches, convinced he has lung cancer and I have a brain tumor. I just can't seem to drag myself up anymore. I've spent my whole life battling with this and feel about 80.
My partner would not let me have any more kids, which has made me deeply unhappy. Wish I had a big family, lots of friends.
I know I am self pitying. Just helps to get it out. Thanks.

You've got more friends than most people. Your childhood was a long time ago, time to put it behind you and move on. Stop dwelling on it.

Do you work? How do you spend your time?

No I'm SAHM, although my son doesn't need me as much now. I also care for my dad and younger brother, who have MH issues. I've developed this anxiety of me or partner dying. I think a lot of it is lack of socialising. I need to get out and see people as much as possible. I struggle talking to the mum's at school. Maybe I should join the WI or Ladies Circle or PTA?. Just wish my brain would work properly. I'm not brilliant at small talk, people don't warm to me. Need to get rid of death worries. Thanks

Also make the effort to see the people I am friends with, even for a couple of hours. Worried about son, he's a very happy, social, popular boy. My problems hit during and after puberty, I hope he doesn't have the same. I feel better just writing this down. Thanks

And the award for the most unhelpful "pull yourself together" comment goes to Leilanii.

Have you ever spoken to a therapist? I don't have BPD but I have big attachment issues after a childhood of neglect and abuse and therapy has been the one thing that has made consistent and sustained improvements in my life. If you haven't, it might really help you.

Xx

You seem to be surrounded with people with MH issues (apart from your son). No wonder you're feeling bad. Can you get a job? It's good to mix with other people. Sure, you get bullying arseholes at work sometimes, but not always.

Yes I've had therapy, lots of it!!! Ive worked really hard to get where I am. I think I need to push myself to socialise more. I need to get rid of this obsession that me or DP are going to die. Everytime one of us gets remotely ill, I'm convinced that's it. Feel like everyone else has a roaring social life and I don't. Thanks But I've got some good friends and relations, so that gives me a good foundation to build on.