I feel...on the edge

[dontpokethebear]

I'm not sure what I need to say. Despite having lots of friends I don't really have anyone to talk to in real life.
But I can feel something building. I guess recurrent 'reckless' (for me) behaviour eg. Smoking (had been 7 years ffs), getting excessively drunk, flirting with married men (no intent, I am also married), binge eating until I'm sick.

I feel my gp/local mental health team has let me down. Gp reluctant to give me antidepressants, so referred me to cbt. That didn't work for me, so they referred me to counselling, but 6 months later I still haven't heard anything. They just keep saying the list is long. It is so hard to get an appt with the gp, when I do get one, there is something else I need to see them about and not allowed to ask about more than one issue.

I think I'm probably paranoid, but I feel like my closest friends are always pissed off with me or laughing at me behind my back. I admit to being quite opinionated. And I seem to feel injustice (mine and others) acutely. So I think that probably contributes.
I sometimes wonder if maybe I have a PD or ASD.
I look back at some of my past mainly attention seeking behaviour and think wtf?!

My husband is lovely, we have had our problems. but I just don't love love him. I can't imagine the rest of my life without him, but I can't face it with him either.

I'm a mess.

Life can be so hard at times. I’m curious why your GP is reluctant for you to go on ADs?

Are you able to work on things like exercise, mindfulness, healthy eating etc to generally help with things?

I think because in the past (5/6 years or so) I have tried 2 sorts of ADs, but within a couple of days of starting them I get panic attacks in the middle of the night. Then don't bother taking any more and decide to try and get on with life.

I do a fair amount of exercise, usually 3 times a week, some times more work and children allowing. It is something I enjoy and it really does give me a buzz, but that has gone by the next morning.
I walk nearly everywhere that is within a 5 mile round trip.

Mindfulness is definitely something I could look into. Expense is an issue. The gym is a bit of a luxury tbh.

If you know you're a mess then you need to get a GP that can help you. I'm struggling myself and share a lot of those feelings you've described. Got referred to CBT which was awful. Seems they're recruiting lots of inexperienced 'specialist' CBT workers with no professional counselling or psychologist back grounds now to cut costs. Push for help. You've said it yourself - you're on the edge; can't speak to friends and in a mess. You need help. I hope you can find the strength to demand it. A different GP can make all the difference. Never feel you're wasting their time.