Scared about tackling/not tackling mental health

[Marasme]

I am not sure whether what I feel is a normal part of life, or not - I guess not, because it is not fun. I have been trying to tackle the way I feel, but I am not progressing well just now. I manage to keep a lid on things at work (99.99% of the time) and function well there. It is a job which is public facing, with a lot of responsibilities - I do quite well at it, up to now. Everything breaks down at home though.

This is how I feel / what I feel on a daily basis:

• I am exhausted, always. Go to bed around midnight, and faff on the internet or netflix til 2pm as am struggling to switch off. Get up around 8am for work.
• I snap at DC and DH at every opportunity
• I am extremely irritable, and very sensitive to noises
• I have very little appetite
• I have regular mini-panic attacks, which started about 2 or 3 years ago. They come and go, but I am in one of these phases

In the last 2 or 3 years, my anxieties have moved from travel and terrorism (I even cancelled work trips about this), to health anxiety (any pain I feel is a terminal disease, for example). Life is stressful, but no more than 5 years ago. I have a good job, relationship with DH is stable, DCs are well. Two grandparents passed away last year, and this took a little toll, and my DF had a health scare, but that was months ago.

Since the summer, I have suffered some pretty big hair loss, which adds to my worries and feeds the panic attacks at every shower or sight of hairs on the floor, or the brush, and thinning patches. I have tried to find explanations for it. I have mustered the courage of going to the GP three times this year. On each occasion, the GPs have brushed the anxieties and panic attacks as a symptom of my overactive mind and tiring profession. On the last occasion, I tried to make more of a point about it - the GP gave me pamphlets to read and told me I would not want to be on drugs if hair loss was a concern. She ordered a blood test, which has shown nothing out of ranges.

I don't speak about it at all with DH - I can't find the words, and a ball forms in my throat. He has never been the listening type, and if he dismisses my concerns, or does not hear me, this will make me even worst. I don't know if he has noticed the hair loss, even. Just thinking/typing about it makes me nauseous.

I just want to feel better, healthy and happy, and have a good family relationship. I am just not sure how to go about it.

Sometimes when you don't know how to feel without being anxious medication really helps....

It helps the body reach a place of less stress...

Once you know what it feels like then you can actively work towards achieving it without Meds..

You may need to go back on then at short periods but usually three to six months should help if it's not very deep seated ..

I feel like an elastic band which is always stretched / pulled and i'd like a break from this. I cannot remember when was the last time I was carefree and relaxed and not uptight. So maybe I need to consider medication for a "break". I am aware I am not a very fun mother or wife these days...

As for my DF, he had a very sad childhood with a mother (my lovely gran) who was clinically depressed with suicidal tendencies. He and his brothers have many tales of stopping her in the act and many sad stories of being put in care homes while she recovered. He sees depression as a sign of "crazyness" and "hysteria" (his words) and would not let me and my sister be emotional in front of him - very sad.

Absolutely not...once you have regular periods away from it you can get better at spotting it and hopefully (although not always succesfully) find things that help maintain your mood or at least ease it a bit..

Emptying your to do tray is always a good start!!...

That is sad.
The medication stilled my mind.
CBT
Exercise
Mindfulness
Making a tiny bit of time for you.
Getting outside
Doing a job that's hanging over you.
Doing something you used to enjoy
All helped me.

The exhaustion, the hair loss, the appetite loss, the feelings are b12 related I’m sure. They should offer you a celiac test and 6 loading injections of b12. Depending on your intrinsic factor, you could have 3 monthly B12 infections for life.

Low b12 and low iron both linked to hair loss. Ferritin levels need to be over 50 and ideally 70

Look join a B12 face book group and you will discover lots of people who were diagnosed as depressed but actually were just simply B12 deficient and nothing more. B12 deficiency is a huge concern and can be responsible for dementia, mental health issues, wheel chair bound ME type symptoms and so on. B12 deficiency can cause long term and irreversible changes if left untreated.

Read up about B12! In your shoes I’d get 6 loading injections from the GP and then decide if you still need counselling or antidepressants two months after.

What were your B12 levels?

thanks labra - my B12 results were ok in the end. When I rang the receptionist told me 73 (which freaked me out) but I saw that it was in fact 773 when i got the print out. Given that the range is 150-900, there is potentially no point in me supplementing :/

meanwhile, ferritin is super low and vitamin D was not tested...

How did your appointment go today marasme?

a little disappointing- thanks @fairydust26. The GP reviewed all blood results and confirmed that T3 is never run as a routine primary care test, so won t happen, and that ferritin is what we must focus on just now. He also spoke a lit about contraception to lighten my periods, especially the coil, which i ve never heard too many good things about.

I told him i'd think about it - not sure I can go through that rollercoaster. Contraception messed up my moods when i was young and made me angry...

i m meant to go back in for bloods in 2 weeks - he also wants to test for vit D.

Oh no that is disappointing so you didn’t really get any answers then, I’ve not had the coil myself but most of the people I know that have had it didn’t do to well on it. Did you manage to talk about how you’ve been feeling at all? Hope you’ve managed to feel a little better

There is some evidence that the mirena coil may be linked to anxiety and depression. Certainly they are both listed as possible side effects on the info leaflet that comes with it. I had been free of depression and anxiety for over 12 years...it came back one month after having the mirena fitted. I personally think the coil was a major factor and had it removed but I really wish I had never had it fitted in the first place.

GP sees my mood as a consequence of the iron deficiency - hence wants to focus on this first.

Good point re the coil - I am not keen...

Sorry you are feeling that way. A friend of mine has raved about a new app called My Possible Self over a cuppa the other day, have you heard of it? It has clinically proven methods taken from a world renowned leader in e mental health research?