Genuinely concerned I'm having a breakdown

[TammySwansonTwo]

Not sure what to do anymore. I think I'm just broken.

I have 14mo twins. We don't have any family nearby so it's just me and my DH. He's hands on with the boys and around the house but works full time (from home). At the weekends he spends all his time with us and we are both so exhausted we rarely do anything. I'm so exhausted I haven't left the house in almost two weeks. I also have endometriosis and ME - in the middle of an horrendous period right now, on lots of morphine but still in agony.

Although my husband is hands on (has been to supermarket this morning and sorted out a few things), he can't seem to do things off his own back, I have to ask him to do things and then he will do them, but it means all of the pressure of holding things together is on me. Wouldn't occur to him to see that the laundry basket is full and do a load of washing, or see that it's finished and empty it. He hasn't made a bottle for a year or ever dealt with one son's meds. I bring this up over and over and he agrees and says we need to sort it but nothing changes. I feel completely crushed by it all at the moment. I know this makes him sound utterly shit - he isn't as I know he contributes so much and loves us so much but I don't feel like we are equal adults right now.

I just feel so overwhelmed and I can't see it getting better. The fact that there's no possibility of a break on the horizon means I just dread each week. The boys don't sleep or nap well - managed a simultaneous 30 min nap today, that's a good day and will be it until bedtime. DH has just sent me to bed for a nap but instead I'm sat here in tears. The constant screaming and wrangling and fighting over toys and the fact the house is a dump, have family visiting next weekend so need to find the energy to clean. One twin is so clingy and will just scream if I put him down.

FB keeps reminding me of the awful times we had last year - two months in nicu for one then readmitted a year ago yesterday with whooping cough. I don't think I've dealt with any of that. I was definitely depressed but was so focussed on them I didn't seek any help.

I just feel so angry all the time. I shout at the boys and then hate myself. Go into the kitchen and slam things arohnd like a child. Too scared to tell the doctor in case they think I'll hurt my boys. I never would.

I'm really worried that if I don't sort this out I'm going to have a complete breakdown and be completely useless to everyone. Already feel like such a failure. I just don't know where to start to make things better.

Have tried organisations like Homestart in my area but oversubscribed and can't help. Currently trying to look at cleaners which I can't really afford but think maybe it will help. I don't know. I can hear him playing with them downstairs and even that makes me feel like shit because I feel like I never have fun with them really, because I'm trying to do 8000 other things at once and because I'm so worn down and in so much pain and so tired.

Just hoping someone has been here and can tell me it will get better, or how to make it better.

I could have written at least half your post. Coming out the other side lately though.

My advice:

Get a cleaner. You don’t have to keep them on forever so don’t worry about long term costs. But just for now, get a cleaner.

Keep talking. To your partner, your family, your friends.

Go to the GP. Book a double appointment and tell them how you’re feeling but also to talk about your pain. You may have tried this already and I’m no expert but lots of pain meds can also help your mental heath (pregabalin, amitriptyline, etc).

Take things a day (or an hour or a minute) at a time.

Hi. You sound completely overwhelmed. I would speak to your GP about how you are feeling, they are not going to take your kids off you just because you tell them you are struggling. It's understandable that you are exhausted with 14 mo twins.

Try not to be hard on yourself.

Sorry, finished message too early there.

The pain must be awful too so you need to speak to GP about it.

Do you normally like to get out to a toddler group?

Consider help at home or nursery for two mornings a week. You can have a babysitter while you are in the house but you are cleaning or cooking.

A young teenager to do mothershelp type role? Can provide a reference for them eventually so benefits them to get twin experience and a reference. And you can have help at a fairly low price as they will be unqualified.

Thanks everyone. I do need to look into help - you know how it is, you think you're drowning and start looking, then the next day isn't so bad and you get caught up in the other billion things you have to do, and then you're drowning again.

Tried to nap earlier and despite being exhausted I couldn't - too upset and wound up. Hopefully they sleep a bit tonight!

Op please don't worry about your dcs being taken from you if you speak to the gp. There are things that can be done for your mental health and the very fact you want to address it means you give a shit and want things to improve. Those things are indicators of you being a great mum already.

You're at a very hard stage with the dcs but it really does get better I promise you. I had MH issues after all 3 of mine and I'm not saying things are easy these days but they are much, much better.

You mention your dh works from home. I know everyone is different but when my dh worked from home while I was on my mat leaves it made things 100x worse because I resented him enough as it was (part and parcel of my PND), but having him there in the house but not helping wound me up beyond belief. If this might be the case for you perhaps there is some way he could work from a shared office space / cafe with WiFi etc for a couple of days a week?

Honestly I don't think I could cope if he were out at work all day! He comes and pitches in during lunch and when he can get away here and there which makes a difference. I can't really put my finger on why I'm so pissed off - I think it's because when he's with the boys he can just focus on having quality time with them, he's not doing or thinking about all the other things that I do all the time, so he really doesn't get it. It's not even that I want him to take over loads of stuff, would just be a start if I knew he could do it all if I were too ill, and if he could share some of the mental work. But if I bring it up he takes it as a massive criticism. It's difficult.

It's not really about him though - I think I'm just struggling anyway, and would be regardless. I know I should talk to my GP but it scares me.

Op its called the mental load and your dh is allowing you to bear the brunt of it. Of course he can see the laundry needs doing - he just choses not to www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

cancel your family visiting. Go to the gp. Tell your dh that your struggling mentally and get him to step up

Loads of sympathy. I remember feeling similar with just one super clingy, non sleeper. You are doing amazingly to be able to write in full sentences on top of everything else that you do!

Would a white board - or even a typed up list of daily jobs that need to be done, pinned to a noticeboard, be a good idea? You could tell him that it is there in case you are too ill to help, but day to day, instead of organising him you could ask him to do something off the board. It also gets all of those jobs outside of you and into the family domain.

Yy to seeing your GP. I put it off endlessly. Made the appointment a few times, but then bottled it. They won't take your children away. They will listen. They may not be able to make everything better, but just being heard helps.

Yy to keeping posting on MN. People here care, and some have been where you are. Each time you post, you may get one more handy hint to survive, and get through this stage. And it is just a stage. It will get better.

Best of luck.

Thanks everyone. I went upstairs to sort out some stuff in their room (huge quantities of clothes they've outgrown mostly!) and when I came down he had cleaned the kitchen, tidied up generally and hoovered - feel better just sitting in a tidier and cleaner room. He's now putting the boys to bed which he always does - that's the thing, he does do a lot so I feel I can't complain really, but it's the stress of managing everything that causes me so many issues, and the lack of breathing space. He's never taken them out on his own (his argument would be what's the point, if he's not working then we can go out together) but it means my only time away is when I very occasionally have meetings for work (one every 2-3 weeks at most).

I try to meet up with other twin mums but everyone's babies have been sick so it's tricky. One of mine has an illness that's exacerbated by bugs and can make him seriously ill so I'm worried about taking him out at the moment - went to soft play a few weeks ago and they both got really sick. It's so difficult. Not really anywhere nice to walk to from where we live and I don't drive, so my husband gives us lifts or I have to wrangle the double buggy on the bus. This week I've been in too much pain to safely take them out though, which makes me feel awful.

DH instigated a big chat this evening as he is concerned - tried to explain how I'm feeling but it's difficult. He suggested that we keep a joint to do list so he can take some stuff off my hands - think that would be a big help. He also offered to take time off work if I need it, but I know he's got so much on. Only a few weeks til Christmas and he'll have a week and a half off then so I'm just trying to hang in there until then.

I'm sorry you're having such a tricky time.

Do you get any time to yourself? I wasn't when mine were young but didn't realise the effect it was having on me.

Is it possible to book yourself into a night school to do something you're interested in, or even just have a short walk and then buy a magazine or a book and go to a nice cafe for a cuppa .

Getting out regularly can clear your head and put things into perspective.

Ps I second the cleaner idea!!!

I think it's a great sign that your dh instigated a chat because he is concerned about you. You've clearly got some good support there - many dhs do not do that!

I always give out this tip on these types of threads and I'm sure some people think what is she on about but here goes anyway (these kept me sane when I was breaking down);

Break the day into achievable chunks in your head. Don't plan what you'll do beyond the next thirty minutes. Gradually those chunks will get longer and longer.

At bed time, take 5 minutes to list the things you've achieved that day, no matter how minor. Mine sometimes consisted of 'brushed my teeth' and 'managed to get the children out of their pyjamas and into some day clothes '. You will notice that as time goes by the achievements become bigger and you'll also be (attempting!) to go to sleep with positive thoughts in your head as to how you're a good mum, not dwelling on the shit bits (which we ALL experience).