After years of struggling with boyfriends (i hate you, i love, i idealize you, why are hurting me) and the last 8 years of being diagnosed with depression, given meds, counselling and a stay in the mother and baby unit hospital, i have recently been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder as I am experiencing a particularity bad crisis brought on my numerous stressful factors including an extremely intense relationship which has lasted almost a year and my eldest son's father being horrendous towards me, for which i have now begun reporting abusive behavior to the police, this behavior has been ongoing for six years but i now think it best to start a log of it.I am also doing a Masters degree which some argue I need to stop, but i see it s my buoy, my one constant which will hopefully lead to a career for my children and I.
MY self harm is at its worst, although I have been receiving immense emotional self harm from my current relationship , my physical self harm is at time a calm compulsion, like snowhite and the spinning needle. i am suicidal and think of hurting others, but less so the last two days. I love and adore my beautiful young children, but they re too much for me right now, I dot feel equipped for looking after them to as high a level as i wish. they are clean, fed, watered, taken on activities and involved in extra-curricular, but i use a matter of fact tone with them, I try to not get too involved in conversations (they are 2 and 7). I wish i could ask their fathers for help, I feel as though i really need a break from the caring side of life, as I can barely care for myself, i loath myself right now. there are two sides of me, one side gets on and completes most tasks including being a other, even if it is a superficial one,the other side does not care for others, is impatient, scribbled thoughts, wants to sabotage and ruin all close relationships, hurts me multiple times a day on my thighs using more and more instruments, and wants to die or run away, telling me I'm a burden and people deserve more.
I am under Intensive home treatment, GP, seeing Psychiatric doctor on Thursday, under a joint mental health team and on the waiting list for complex trauma level four (whatever that is!) I am also having a social work assessment this week for a supportive capacity.
I tried to join the parent council in a hope to make friends, but I am so ashamed (this was even before crisis) I have joined in at all. I also keep thinking i should break up with my B/F...i had these thoughts before crisis also, but he has been incredible since it started, and i can overreact.
ANYWAY...I desperate be normal, to be strong, to make my own decisions, to stop being jealous, and for SUPPORT ! Anyway, I'm not sure what I'm hoping to get back, i suppose i just need to hear it will be ok.
thank you so much for reading.