I think my anxiety about my kids keeps them safe but I am starting to drive myself mad

[Fieldsofold]

I come from a family where both my mother and grandmother have had severe anxiety which to various extents impacts their lives. I always thought I had escaped it. But I am so anxious about my kids (6, 4, 2). If I think to myself ‘are they breathing’ I have to check even if it is 2am and I feel maybe it was me having mother’s intuition something is wrong. This was fine when it was once a night but is starting to be more often. I often feel my worry keeps them safe and I def feel that if I am happy then I am tempting fate to do something bad. The oldest had a difficult start in life and a long journey to conception and when she nearly died as a newborn I remember thinking she was never meant for this world anyway. She survived and is fine but I am not, but have since had two more kids and touch wood all are healthy and happy. It is hard for me to even write that in case that tempts fate. I am becoming the kid of person who touches wood or other superstitions whenever I say something nice about them or our lives. Any advice before this gets too bad? I backpacked the world doing silly things for fun and adrenalin and now I am so mortified at what this must have been like for my mother and already stressed one day my kids will do this for me (they will, I am sure).

I think what you have sounds like OCD, especially the compulsive checking during the night and also the belief that something bad will happen to your children if...you're happy for example. Of course their safety isn't linked at all to whether you are happy or not, but your irrational OCD A has taken over. In fact, this issue has probably nothing to do with your children's safety at all, believe it or not, and it's all down to a mental health issue. You really need to seek help, some medical and perhaps counselling, in order to gain control over the intrusive thoughts, which is the term for them. I have some experience of this by the way, and help is readily available.

So sorry for you Fieldsofold but I understand how you're feeling. My father and grandmother both suffered sever anxiety too which I always used to think in would have a good chance of getting. I've always been an anxious person but after the birth of DS I began suffering from PNA and it became increasingly worse manifesting in nocturnal panic attacks (wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy). I couldn't stop worrying about my baby and wouldn't research every little think to the detriment of my own health, my breast milk began to dry up because I wasn't eating enough and was stressed all of the time and so utterly exhausted, I pushed through to 6 months then had to stop. I realised a happy mum means happy baby and began to look after myself again and developed a better mindset gradually and it's now been 2 months and I haven't had an attack. I still have to remind myself to take a moment for myself every now and then and not to feel guilty.
I would tell myself the irrational thinking is anxiety playing tricks on my mind and it really helped. Don't feed the monster or you'll give it fuel and it will grow so to speak. The thoughts aren't real they're unrealistic and you are stronger than them.

Also you could ring GP and ask for telephone app and explain who you're feeling for some advice & mess/therapy. A helping hand is prob all you need x

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Would thing sorry about all the typos