Obviously NC, hence the name. I'm paranoid about people finding me on here.
Background: I'm agoraphobic, I don't go outside on my own ever. (I get ESA, and no children so there's nothing to worry about and clearly I shouldn't really even post here). I can't use a phone. I spend my days in an OCD haze of exercise, cleaning and trying to pass the time until I can go to bed.
I've self harmed since I was a teenager (now 31) and it's escalated massively throughout the years. It started off as scratches, now it's cuts that really require medical intervention and overdoses. Not in a suicidal way, just, overdoses to numb something. Anything, really.
I can't handle even the slightest thing that happens which is outwith my comfort zone. A letter landing on the mat that I didn't expect can disrail an entire week. An online shop substituting an item can disrupt so much because I have to re-work my calories for the whole week.
I lost CMHT involvement last year, and there's not the option to get it back. My GP is kind, but ultimately useless. I don't have friends or family. Realistically, this is the time at which I should opt out, isn't it? It's only hard because I can't seem to get it right.
My life is literally no highs. What am I supposed to do when I've tried everything and it doesn't help? I've done therapy, mindfulness, graded exposure for the agoraphobia. I have medication. It doesn't change anything.
I'm not sure why I'm posting, so I'm sorry in advance for anyone who should read this. This is pretty much the only forum I use and I don't speak to anyone IRL, so this is really just me whining about nothing.