Depressed because of unhappy marriage or unhappy marriage because of depression?

[Ermwhatamidoing]

How do I know? I have been gradually getting worse over the last few years. I am ashamed to say but I am at the point now where I rarely leave the house, or dress or shower. (My children are at nursery now and I gave up my job when I had my first).

I have been married for 10 years, I care for my husband and do not want him to get hurt but I do not think I love him enough. I am autistic and can find it hard to understand feelings so think this is making it more of a struggle for me to work this out.

I am very scared of the change and scared of making the wrong decision. I think I would be a lot happier living without him. I would need to find a job but I feel so useless. I don't know how to change things.

I think your first step is to get some help. Not showering, dressing or leaving the house are signs of depression, but they are also very common for people on the spectrum. It could be that the way you are feeling is a completely separate issue from your marriage.

Going to the GP would be a good first step.

Also, are you getting all of the benefits to which you are entitled?

It may be that you are entitled to PIP or ESA and not required to work at all.

If you start by speaking to the GP about feeling depressed, they can see if they can get you feeling better.

Then you could visit CAB and make sure you are getting the right benefits and decide on next steps.

Thank you. I did not know this could be related to being on the spectrum. I will go to the gp, but I think that I would be happier without my husband. We snap at each other and argue. We do not spend much time together and I make excuses to get out of doing things with him. But I don't do anything else either so I really don't know. The thought of spending the rest of my life like this fills me with dread. I do not want to do more with him though. I do not enjoy spending time with him anymore.

I do not get benefits. He is in a well paid job. I don't know if I am entitled to anything. I always worked before having children and could work again if I can manage to get a job.

Cab is that the citizens advice bureau? I don't know where to begin.

Thank you for answering me. I am sorry, I have no friends I can speak to about this.

OP, please go and see your GP and take some steps to get yourself feeling better before making any long-term decisions. Who takes your children to nursery at the moment? Have you suffered with PND in the past at all?

He takes them, it's on his way to work. He sometimes works locally and picks them up on those days, other days I do it but I have been wearing a coat over my pyjamas with jogging bottoms . So I do leave the house for this.

Ok maybe I should go to the gp first. Thank you very much for your advice.

I have not suffered with pnd as far as I am aware. Both children did not sleep well so the first couple of years are a bit of a blur. I feel quite resentful towards my husband about giving up my job. I felt as soon as I had the baby that everything was left to me. I find it hard to get over things so this plays on my mind a lot.

It definitely does sound as though your relationship is making you feel worse. But the most important thing is to get yourself feeling better and find out more about your entitlements before you make big decisions.

Did you find housework/hygiene/leaving the house hard before having kids?

It’s possible that some part time work or volunteering while the kids are at nursery would help lift your mood, as well as adding something positive to your CV.

You will very likely be entitled to some benefits if you do decide to leave. Entitledto.gov can give you a basic idea of what those might be.

Does your husband provide emotional support? Did you talk about these to your husband? I think you have two different problems which you are trying to connect. You wanting to leave your husband and you not taking shower are two different aspects. Perhaps you feel a bit lazy. I suggest you just do it. Perhaps sign up to a gym. If you manage to get to gym every day then you will eventually be able to handle yourself. Whether you like to live with your husband or not, you decide on that later.

Did you find housework/hygiene/leaving the house hard before having kids?

No I didn't. Although one of my big resentments with my husband is that even before children when we both worked long hours, I did the majority of the housework. And after our first was born when I was exhausted and trying to keep up with housework, he really was not pulling his weight and I know he was working but I was the one up all night with a baby..and he still did less than I did when I worked long hours. If I tried speaking to him about he would get angry and defensive.

Thank you I will look up that entitled thing. I feel bad though but I suppose it would be a stepping stone while I get myself properly sorted.

Pamela I don't know if he does provide emotional support. He gets very frustrated with me for not feeling happy. I understand it is frustrated but it never comes across as caring, although I'm sure he does care. Tbh he is very wrapped up in his own issues. When we do speak, if it isn't about dc, it is him telling me about his work/family/other problems. He rarely asks after me unless I am at an especially low point. I tried talking to him when I first started feeling myself struggle but he didn't pay any attention until I reached a very low point and other people pointed out to him how unwell I looked. (I lost a lot of weight and was not sleeping etc).