Yesterday I finally admitted how bad I feel

[anna231a]

Yesterday I went to my GP and told him just how bad my depression is making me feel - including my thoughts of suicide. He sent me to A&E to see their mental health team. They were so good - at last I stopped pretending and was honest with myself and them. I was surprised at how worried they were about me - they wanted me to stay in hospital but I didn't want that so eventually they let me go home with a referral to the CMHT.

I've struggled on for so long on my own. I've always been the strong one, the one everybody relies on, the sensible one. I have been taking citalopram but no it doesn't seem to make any different at all. I've never told my DH or any of my family just how bad things are for me. . If I tell my mum about the hospital etc she will first shout about how stupid I am and don't I know that I'll be hooked on tablets for ever. And then when she's got over the shouting she will feel guilty and I will have to cope with her on the phone crying about how it's all her fault. At the moment I don't think I could deal with either.

Part of my agreement with the hospital about coming home was that I tell DH. Bless him. When I told him his words were "depression? That's not like you, you never get depressed". Bloody hell, I must be a good actor. He never mentioned it again although he sat all night looking so sad that I felt sorry for him and had to make him a cup of tea. Then he went to work this morning with a "see you later", slamming the back door as he went. Perhaps he doesn't know how to talk to me - he's never been one to show emotion. But he never even said are you going to be alright today or I'll text you later to make sure you're ok.".

I just feel so much on my own.

Well done for doing that. It's such a massive and important step.

It sounds like you spend a lot of time looking after other people's feelings. Now it's time to look after your own. You owe no explanations to your mum.

It sounds as though your DH is struggling with the concept of you being vulnerable and needing some help. I'm sure he prefers you to be the strong one. I hope that he changes his attitude quickly, because you are going to need support.

Do you have an friends/colleagues that you can confide in?

Being honest with yourself that you need help is a huge step, so very well done.

For the time being, no need to tell your mum anything - you really don't need to deal with her reaction. Might be worth trying to find an "idiot's guide to depression" for your DH, as he probably doesn't have a clue. also maybe ask him to do specific things - he will probably cope better with that than a general request for help.

But for me friends were the key - it's amazing when you talk to people just how many of them have some experience and understand what you are saying.

Make time for yourself each day. You've probably emptied yourself looking after everyone else and keeping up the pretense. Do things just for you, even if they seem silly - one of the things I did was colour my hair for the first time!

Look after yourself.