I don't want to be depressed anymore

[MummySparkle]

Just that really. I've been really low for the last couple of months and Im so fed up of it. I'm just doe with the daily grind. Kids, school run, nursery, work, housework, Christmas, extended family. I just want to hibernate for a while until everything feels manageable again.

Day 1 of taking lamotrigine and I've remembered why I stopped taking it.

I had batshit crazy dreams all night. I was hiding things I could use to self harm in my bra, I got angry and hit DD so hard on the head with a le creuset coffee mug that it smashed. DH started walking me to the police station and gave me a letter saying he loved me but I needed to get help. But he's left the DCs at home so I had to drive. I promised him I'd go straight there, but I got lost and then crashed my car at a mini-roundabout.

Then DH woke me up. I sat in bed for ages trying to figure out what was real and what was a dream. I'm exhausted. My whole body aches.

I thought these meds would make me feel better, not this much worse

Wow, that sounds pretty intense.

Meds do tend to make you feel worse before you get better, that's why they tell you to take them for 2 weeks as you should be getting the benefits by then. However, GPs tend to be really bad at explaining this to people when they hand them over.

I went to student services yesterday and got sent to an IAPT service I am not eligible for because my gp is not in the right city, so had to go back and get sent to a new one. I have now filled out their referral form and feel wrecked. I just want to speak to someone. I need an actual qualified person to help me get my shit back together and I think I am going to end up having to spend weeks dealing with this IAPT service and fending off their offers of online CBT before I even stand a chance of getting some real sessions.

I am considering going private again but could do without spending the money. I know if I go to the GP he will prescribe me medication, but my symptoms are such that I am really not happy to take anti-ds without a proper psychiatric assesment rather then a 5 minute chat with my gp who specialises in cardiac issues. Of course there is no hope of getting that through the NHS for months unless I go into crises and I really do not want to get to that point. I know I can get back together again with the right help, but it is so bloody hard getting it and I am so exhausted I just can't deal with this bloody process!

Sorry...that turned into a bit of a rant about me.

It's so frustrating isn't it? And so preventable! I think all GP surgeries should have a GP that specialises in mental health. Someone who can prescribe accurately (and safely) and is better able to assess patients and refer them to the right care. It would save so much time and suffering for patients, and also save money that ends up being spent on acute treatment that could easily have been prevented that the right interventions been put in place ASAP. Hope you get the help you need badgers. Feel free to keep talking on here, it's comforting g to know I'm not alone in this.

I'm out walking dogs at the moment, then home for a quick shower before DSs parents evening afternoon. Hopefully I'll remember what's been said as my head is starting to feel a bit woolly.

I'm going to give the meds the full two weeks and then go back if they're not helping or my sleep is still hell. Although might have to go back sooner if I get a skin rash. Joy!

I absolutely agree with you about the GPs. I checked all the bios and background info on all of the drs at my surgery and not a single one even mentions mental health. It's ridiculous, they must get plenty of people going in with MH issues. You would have thought one of them might talk about an interest in the area a bit.

Stupid isn't it?

I just fell asleep on the dog for an hour and a half. Got home from DSs parents evening (so positive, his teacher is wonderful) and gradually started feeling worse and worse. Dizzy, tired, fuzzy and a weird feeling of dread through my body. I had to beg DH to do bedtime with the kids for me as I knew I wasn't up to it. Now I've woken up I feel about the same. I feel shaken like I don't have enough sugar despite just eating dinner. And my whole body feels like it does when I'm anxious / panicky, but my head doesn't feel it. It's a strange pit-of-the stomach situation. My head itself feels pretty empty. Too tired to feel anxious I think. I don't know whether I'm hungry or not.

Just taken my night dose now in the hopes that it won't affect my sleep so much. Gone to bed with a book. Must get up and put the washing into the tumble dryer in an hour though.

sofa not dog! Although he did come and curl up on my feet. He's on my feet now, he's been very loving these last few weeks - he knows I'm sad and struggling.

Nope. Another night of crazy detailed dreams. Not as negative as the night before, but I ran a very detailed 15k race without a bra on. Woken up as exhausted as if I'd actually run it. Work today, DH thinks I should have a day off, but I have lots of things to do this week that need to be prepped before the y11 mock on tuesday. Maybe I'll have a day off next Wednesday...

Having a sleep on a dog sounds rather nice.

Well, at least the desk doesn't sound quite as traumatic, so bright side and all that. Do remember to take care of yourself and take some time off if you need it. Hopefully when the drugs settle down you'll feel better, but in the mean time you need to prioritise looking after yourself. (listen to me giving advice I never follow myself)

I just made it into uni today. I got up this morning, sorted out dd for school and then went straight back to bed. I just couldn't do anything else. All I want to do is lie down and never get up. I was in such a fog I sort of forgot how time worked and almost missed my train. Thankfully I am only in for a short time and than i can go home and curl up again.

I am knackered. I feel like I've been on the go all day!

Got up
Made packed lunch
Took DS to school
Took DD to nursery
DH drove me to work (his car broken so he needed to use mine today)
At work, straight in to helping out a lesson
Then cutting up 20 pieces of cardboard for the exam
Stretching 20 sheets of paper for the exam
Photocopying
Cutting acrylic plastic to size on the bandsaw
Naming everything with who needs what for the exam
Realising I need to stretch yet more paper
Scanning
Fighting with the printer to make it print onto acetate and tracing paper
Listen to a student presentation
Collected a new box of paper for the printer
Tidying up the cameras
DH picked me up
Coffee
Collect DS from school
Collect DD from nursery
Home
Tipped water out of paddling pool & put in garage
Clear out everything from my car
Put more stuff in garage
Load of laundry
Make dinner
DS projectile vomited on the carpet
Clean carpet
Cuddle DS and tuck him into bed
Bedtime with DD

And now I'm sitting downstairs wondering whether my tummy feels funny because I have the bug or because I haven't eaten much dinner as DS puked halfway through eating it.

I'm exhausted. I did feel a bit brighter today, although if anything a little bit hyper. I've been non-stop and felt like I've needed to be non stop too, which means a crash is coming at some point. I've been talking 10 to the dozen all day too. Going to have a coffee and then think about some more food. What a day. At least my head has been so busy I haven't had a chance to feel crap.

Set up camp on DSs floor. Going I'll be able to direct any further puke into a bucket. Absolutely zonked our right now, so fingers crossed the worst is over for him and he sleeps it off

I hope your DS is feeling better today!

You do sound like you have a lot going on, I'm not surprised you are tired out.

I've actually been feeling a bit better today. I think it might just be because I haven't had to go into uni and have just had a lazy day not really doing much. The only time I felt really bad was when I had to go to an event at dd's school and it was just a bit overwhelming with lots of people I didn't want to talk to particularly. Thankfully DH is as happy as me to sit at the back and be antisocial.

FFS!!!

I just typed a massive long reply and my phone deleted it.

Been a terrible terrible day and I feel completely shit. Negative thoughts are at their peak and I'm so fed up now.

Oh sparkle, technology can be the shit sometimes. Feel free to write on here or PM if you need to talk. Take each hour at a time and hang on in there.

I'm sort of feeling oddly better today. Sort of alright, but also like I'm disconnected a bit from the world. Like I'm just a step behind it looking in, if that makes any sense. I am a bit worried I am just going up so I can come back down again.

I feel terrible. Day 6 of taking the meds and they are properly Iin my system now. I feel shaken, I've been really clumsy and jerky and feel like shit.

Yesterday was terrible felt bad anyway then met the new guy at work. It's properly hit home that this is actually happening now.

I can't sit still. I don't know if I feel sick or I'm hungry but I just ate dinner. I've been really angry.

I drank loads last night. Passed out on the sofa and missed the end of a film. DH said it was really good. Got a bruise on my arm from last night as I was trying to do something to stop me from harming. I need to calm down but I can't. My whole body feels fizzy and yuck.