Just booked a GP appointment. I think I have PTSD or complex PTSD.
I was in an emotionally, financially, and sexually abusive relationship for around a decade,with the father of my 2 DCs. During that time he pretended to be terminally ill, used the 'illness' to control me (e.g. any time I would get upset he would clutch his chest and collapse to the ground, then go to hospital (well, not really, of course) and later tell me that his consultants had told him that his condition had got worse because I had caused him so much stress), even got a tattoo of a scar to make it look like he'd had surgery. He sabotaged my bank account so I was completely dependent on him, stole thousands from my family, made us homeless, then we moved in to the attic of some relatives of mine in the middle of the country where he would go out for hours every day 'to hospital' while I stayed at home with the DCs and literally nothing to do except go for walks, no money, no means of getting anywhere. Won't bore you with more details but I ended up genuinely going a bit mad, I think - I seriously believed that bad things were happening in my life because I was thinking the wrong kinds of thoughts.
Fast forward 5 years and I have a great job, my DCs are 8 and 6 and thriving, I'm raising them completely single-handedly. Ex used to see them a few times a week until I discovered that he was using my name and address to make fraudulent benefit claims, at which point I completely cut him out of our lives. We haven't seen him since May 2016. He took me to court this year to try to get access to the children - we have the third hearing in December and it looks like he will lose. CAFCASS were involved and recommended no direct contact between him and the DCs (almost unheard of, I understand - my solicitor told me she had never seen them recommend no direct contact before). Throughout the court case he has lied in bizarre ways: denied claiming tax credits in my name even though I had a stack of paperwork from HMRC proving that he did, claiming to have been diagnosed with a personality disorder but then refusing to provide a GP letter to confirm this. (At least he admitted all the abuse!)
Anyway. Before the court stuff, I thought I was reasonably well adjusted. I fell utterly in love with someone 2 years ago - still in love with him, even though it didn't work out and we haven't been in contact for a year. But for the past 6 months or so I have been feeling bad. Like I am horribly damaged and my life is basically over (I'm 42 and 'technically' very fit and well). I keep having dreams involving my ex that are not exactly nightmares, but which are depressing and disturbing. I try to get myself out of the rut I'm in (i.e. being in love with someone who didn't work out) by joining dating sites, but I find that I feel absolutely nothing for any of the men there, and I can't help but view them as probably basically predatory and evil, even though I know some of them are probably quite nice. Even the fact that I'm in love with the last person I was involved with seems quite man-avoiding on reflection: it was a long distance thing, and I wonder if I deliberately chose him because I wanted to keep men at a distance.
For some reason, I would find it comforting to have a diagnosis, or a label to signal what is wrong with me. I feel very unlike other people - I have very lovely friends and family, but I feel cut off from them, as if normal life is something for people like them but not for people like me.
This is just a vent, really. Thank you for reading.