Bipolar? Trigger Warning:Suicide

[DearMrDilkington]

I was going to NC, but I just don't care if anyone recognises me.

I always thought I'm just depressed and have social anxiety, but after reading up on bipolar I think that may be the real issue.

I'm pretty sure my mother is bipolar, she'd never admit it or get help though, that's why I was reading up about symptoms, she definitely matches every single one.

But surprisingly, I also have a lot of these symptoms. Is it possible to be bipolar without the manic episodes? I don't really have any 'high' manic episodes, but I've definitely had low manic episodes, if that's a thing with bipolar?

I can have a week feeling absolutely brilliant, I'm super organised and very chilled out, everything's a joke. Then I suddenly go down and feel suicidal, nothing happens to cause this. It literally comes from nowhere, I always thought it was the depression. It usually goes as quickly as it comes but it's pretty bad.

During some of these really bad lows, I've scared myself and dp with how I act and what I say. I'm extremely suicidal, I'll obsess over how I'll kill myself in my head, feeling completely calm over it. During the bad lows I also normally self harm, cry for hours when absolutely nothing is bothering me.

Then suddenly I'll snap out of it and be back to happy and start getting mega organised for whatever's coming up. Then I'll think of something we need/I want and spend hours looking at it on different websites to buy. I don't usually buy anything because I then think of a completely different thing to get.

I could easily stay awake all night, I usually only eat dinner, I'm never very hungry or tired.
The highs/lows swap every week or so. I rarely feel 'balanced'.

This is probably really rambled and full of spelling mistakes. Is it possible I could be bipolar without realising it? I just don't feel like I am, but it's the constant ups and downs that has me doubting myself. Sorry for how long this is, I just needed to get it out.

Ugh I sound like such a mess. I don't feel like a mess, I think it's became normal to me.

I have Bipolar Type II where you don't get full 'mania' you get 'hypomania'. I'd recommend looking up bipolar type two specifically and see what you think.

Hypomania for me feels like I'm on a high, I love life, I can sleep that well as I'm excitable and full of plans, super social, feel very confident, full of energy and adrenaline. I'll often sign up to things like starting a new business, start writing a book, join a new course. Quite often I'll spend a lot of money or have slightly odd plans that 'I must do straight away' like get chickens or other random things. I tend to drink too much and put myself in risky situations.

Any of that ringing any bells?

Really you need to speak to a GP and get a referral to a psychiatrist. I suffered with bipolar for years without getting help and my life is a billion times better now I'm on medication and understand it more (and have changed my lifestyle to help manage it)

...and I know what you mean about it becoming normal to you. But it isn't normal to feel suicidal and you can, and should, get treatment x

That does sound familiar, I'll look up type II, I never realised there was more than one type, thanks for your help.

Anyone else?

You sound similar to me. I’m only just getting refered to a psychiatrist for diagnosis after a high that ended in an arrest at the weekend .

I really recommend going to your GP and telling them your symptoms. It might not be BP but if you’ve been going through ups and downs for so long it’s probably best to see a psychiatrist for some proper help.

There is also cyclothymia which you can think of as bipolar lite, your moods swing up and down outside the norm in the same way as in bipolar but not as extreme i.e you'd never be bad enough to be having a crisis requiring hospitalisation.

Only a psychiatrist can diagnose mood disorders anyway, so you'd have to see your GP for that referral. If you

You describe rapid cycling- ultra rapid if I'm not mistaken. Do you take antidepressants? As those are known to sometimes make things worse if you have a mood disorder, like making you cycle more frequently. I'd get to your GP asap.