AIBU to ask why my social boundaries are so rubbish and what can I do about them?

[polkadott30]

I am in my 30s, and have poor social skills. I was always a weird kid- very introverted and obsessive and sensitive to the outside world. Afraid of people, socialising, loud noises and of certain foods. I had few friends at school and was teased and laughed at alot for being different.
My DF would scream and yell and threaten me because I was so odd and I struggled with certian things eg learning to tie my shoes, numbers, maths etc. I was good at reading and verbal skills and just wante dto read books all day. I never fit in much anywhere, though I am sure I must have been happy sometimes.
I used to not know when to stop talking or start talking. My schol teachers wanted me tested but my parents were of abranch of strict fundamentalist Christianity and were opposed to psychology and did not want me to get tested.

By secondary school I was a loner. I had no sense of fashion and was not popular at school. I think I must have come across as very cocky and arrogant because I would blurt things out that would probably be considered insensitive. I still do that.

Well, I suffer a lot of anxiety around people still and when I have to meet strangers eye contact is very scary for me. I do not feel able to just say to someone "hello how are you?" etc or use small talk. Sometimes I know I see someone who needs help liek eg they need to sit down and I should offer them my seat on the train but I am scared if i do that they will laugh at me or call me stupid like kids at school do. Sometimes I can manage it, sometimes not. But it means I often do not understnad what others expect of me and am slow to react. So it looks like I am just inconsiderate. I do not seem to "see" or understand boundaries. I also have times when I do not know when to stop texting or talking to someone. Even in an argument I feel I need to keep pressing my point home and defending myself.

I have a CPN because I have been under MH services for years for other issues such as anxiety, PTSD, BPD/EUPD etc. I have often wondered whether I should ask whether I should seek help for my lack of boundaries and lack of empathy. I have been told I may have neurological or learning issues but not enough symptoms to score a diagnosis.

How can I improve my social skills and learn to empathise with other people and minimise my "oddness." I posted earlier today under a different name about an incident and the whole thread turned into a bunfight because I did not know what was appropritae to say and what not to. I have been battling thoughts of hurting myself and am very self destructive with food- binge eating and laxatives. I suffered some sexual emotional and physical abuse in my childhood from my DF and DGF and some boys at school and feel like I am a child not an adult.

I do not mean to offend anyone or freak them out and I am sorry if I have. I am also sorry about the earlier post. I tried to log back in under my usual log in but could not.

I do not wish to call the Crisis Team about my self harm (mostly I cut or scratch or bite myself) because I have not long been out of hospital. A friend on Facebook told me the other day that she had known all along I was probably being abused by my DF but felt she did not know how to get me help. I feel guilty because I know I was a diffficult kid and not very likeable and so my DF probably did not mean any harm to me.

Polka, please have a look at this chart by Rudy Simone.

I went through this chart with my sister and she was in tears at the end of it, because she ticked almost every single box.

If you do tick the boxes, I would suggest getting a copy of her book Aspergirls.

NotReallyArsed And I am sorry i offended you yesterday too. I wish you well. from SpottedCow (had to make a new account because could not login to my old one)

wishing you all the best.

TalkinBoutWhat bless you. Was your sis able to get any help? any assessment?

She hasn't got an assessment, but that's because she doesn't want to.

She was self medicating with alcohol, because the world had just become too noisy and she was trying to switch it off.

Having read the chart and realising that she's 'not crazy', has been a huge help for her, and the rest of the family (bar my mother who probably ticks almost as many boxes.....) now realise that they have to back off when she needs to retreat.

Females present differently to males, and a lot of the medical profession just haven't caught up. So if you do think you tick the boxes, it would be helpful to have a look at the reading list on the website, as there are some fabulous books linked there.

Rudy has aspergers herself, so this isn't a medical expert trying to teach people. She is someone who is living it, and has created a group to support others.

thanks Itsonkeyme and LondonGirl Am relieved MN HQ are not going to report. I am doing as much to take care of me and abate this crisis so the symptoms do not get worse. I need to get better at mny self-care and Dialectic Behaviour Therapy Skills.

thanks so much to you both

TalkinBoutWhat That is good news for your sis. I wonder why so many with ASD (and i do not mean this disparagingly) scorn the self-diagnosed? I have run into this attitude before and it puzzles me. Assessments are overwhelming and can be a long process. A friend of mine who, like me, was also diagnosed BPD but suspected she really had Asperger's is going through the process and it is so painstaking...

We’re you brought up in the brethren by any chance ?

TalkinAboutWhat Yeah, some of those traits on the chart describe me.

RemainOptimistic I'm so glad you've posted again read this with tears in my eyes. I thank you so much for saying this. I needed to feel someone cared and understood. Thanks also for giving me the courage to battle through and not give up at working on this. as a thank you. and some too

tumblrpigeon Not the Bretheren but kind of Fundamentalsit Evangelical. Some odd ideas there.

toffee100 and yorkshireyummymummy thank you. I have heard it is a long process of assessment- I will be considering whether the stress is something I can bear....self help books sound a good idea

tumblrpigeon A lot of "psychiatry etc is evil, problems are sin/demons, if you had enough faith you would get well, confess over yourself you are well etc" A lot of what is known as Word-Faith teachings in there too. kind of like The Secret etc but Christian.

polka There's a thread in Mumsnetters with SN for people who have ASD, self-diagnosed or "officially" diagnosed or suspected-but-not-yet-diagnosed. They genuinely don't care if you're self-diagnosed or not. They may gently point out the benefits of an official dx, but they won't chastise you if you choose not to go that route. If you feel that ASD best explains your issues (it won't explain all of them, you can easily have ASD plus any co-morbids) then that it is all that matters. FWIW I have suspected ASD, currently going through the whole assessment rigmarole.
MNHQ have clearly spotted that you're not a deliberate troll or a goady fucker or whatever, you made a genuine mistake.
I also recognise the "ugh I've made a mistake I'm so fucking stupid ARGHARGHARGH why did I do this URGH" feeling, I get that a lot. Writing it all out can be a cathartic experience. TBH I reckon everyone gets it but when you have mental health issues it can be a whole lot worse, you catastrophise etc.

Just in case MN gets on my case regarding some of the thing si posted in AIBU yesterday and people get upset again, I am deactivating. But thanks everyone for helping me feel less alone, and more validated. .... big bunches of to you all and massive whole . chocolate ones!

toffee Maybe I will stay then! thank you

Hello polkadott30, I’m Faith. I struggled with depression and anxiety for years, had a couple of episodes of total burnout ?post viral fatigue. Then one day 2 years ago, I was reading a MN thread about a woman who had come to realise she might be Austistic. I thought Surely you’d know by the time you’d reached adulthood?!. Clicked on that thread and it changed my life forever. I realised from that that I could be Autistic myself! I did some research, then I marched to my GP and requested a referral. She said Well I don’t think you are, but if you really want me to, I’ll refer you. I did wait a long time for assessment (my area underwent changes to the approach they took hence the delay) but 14 months later I was diagnosed, aged 34! My assessor actually said she’d diagnosed me as Autistic but specifically put Asperger’s because although it’s not formally recognised within diagnostics it felt like the right fit - I agreed.

Life has been better for me since I know. I have informed my employer and they have worked harder to support me. I have found a group of like-minded women who are neuro-diverse who I can share with and who don’t judge me for how I am (actually it’s amazing how often we have things we think are just a ‘me’ thing we all do!). I am far, far kinder to myself. I invest time in the relationships I know I can trust and have let go of flaky friends where I did all the running. I recognise that I cannot do as much as most people and schedule in rest time after spending time around other people.

If your GP declined to refer you, there are other options including private assessment (Tania Marshall will do them via Skype, there are quite a few in the UK), or charities include Action for Asperger’s who ask for a donation. It’s worth reading and watching stuff about Autism. Sarah Hendrickx is an expert on Autism in women and is Autistic herself - she has lots of videos on YouTube. There’s quite a few TED talks on Autism too which are interesting.

I have read your history and your diagnoses. I do think it sounds like you are neurodiverse rather than neurotypical. It also sounds to me (armchair psychology) like your father used your unusual ways as an excuse to abuse you. There is no excuse for abusing you. You did not deserve that. I would hope that if you were able to add Autism to your list of diagnoses, you would find some aspects of your being different to celebrate I finally do!

Hello Polkadott,

I've felt similar. Here are some strategies that have helped me:

1. Seek out low-stress interactions. These can be casual exchanges, eg sharing a few words with a shop assistant or bus driver where you deliberately try to chat on a neutral topic (the weather, the traffic, something in the local news) for a few seconds instead of rushing away. It could also be an activity where you get to spend time with people without too much pressure on the conversation. Groups around board games, knitting, arts or crafts, rambling, DIY etc give you the opportunity to talk if you want, but it's also perfectly fine to be quiet and concentrate on what you're doing. The activity will also give you a ready-made discussion topic.

1. Be up-front about your difficulties. If you meet someone you like and feel you don't know what to say or that you're getting things wrong, just tell them. 'I get so nervous with new acquaintances and sometimes can't tell if I'm saying the wrong thing - I hope I haven't offended you?' or 'I just want to make sure I'm following you - did you mean x?' It's fine not to be 100% confident all the time.

Related - if you do cock up, just apologise. Email, text or ask for a quiet word and tell the other person that you know you handled the situation poorly, you're sorry and you hope they'll forgive you. You might well find you're overly sensitive to your own mistakes and they'll happily forget about it.

1. Make a collection of habits that you see other people doing that could help you with your social life. Believe it or not it took me several decades to realise that people are more likely to want to be your friend if you act as though you like them! I was so tied up in my own awkwardness that I just came over as tense and stand-offish and people assumed I didn't care for their company. Now I try to follow little ideas like complimenting an item of clothing, laughing at their joke or asking about something they mentioned last time we met. It shows that I think positively of them and care enough to remember what they say to me. Use a notebook if it helps you build on your relationship 'tactics' in the initial stages.

1. Consider therapy. You clearly have a traumatic history and may feel that you need professional assistance to come to terms with these experiences, but therapy can still help you in the here-and-now even if you don't wish to confront past events at the moment. You can use your sessions to discuss your social interactions, plan your next steps in making friends, debrief from any setbacks, practice assertiveness or judging how open you want to be, and ask for feedback on how you communicate. Either group or individual settings might be more beneficial for you.

1. Remember, there's no rule that says you have to be really outgoing and have loads of friends. If you're shy and only know a few people then you are absolutely fine as long as you don't feel lonely or stressed. Obviously getting on with people easily is a plus and will make some situations easier, but it's not the law and it's not a moral flaw to be an introvert or feel uncertain around others. Work on your social skills for you, and forget about trying to live up to some abstract social expectation. Maybe therapy would be useful on the self-acceptance side as well as how you deal with other people.

Good luck!