have suffered with self injury since i was about 8 years old which progressed as I aged. Cutting, scratching, biting myself. But also in ways like I would pick fights and try to get myself punished or blamed for things. I do not understand why because I was abused if I made mistakes at home by my DF, so why I would want to do this, I do not know. I have diagnoses of BPD/EUPD and possibly CPTSD. I feel i crave drama yet at same time I seem to be very hypervigilant and fearful of anything bad happening to me. I do rituals to help me feel safe- checking things again and again. I used to be OCD full blown, now just traits.
Lately I have developed a habit of picking fights online when I am feeling low. It often ends badly. I am scared but something compels me to keep doing it. I know they say trolls just do it for attention but I don't think it is purely that with me. Partly, but the need for attention comes out of some very deep pain