It’s 5 O’clock in the morning and I’m still awake

[CrazyCatMum]

I’ve took my meds and I’m still awake, even the cats given up on me because I’m too aggitated and can’t keep still. Feels like he’s the last one to give up on me.

It’s raining and it’s really windy outside sounds scarey sounds like the inside of my head.

Had to agree to a contract of safety today or if I didn’t my next choice was either IHTT or hospital, all 3 scare me but I’m not coping and I’m scared, my head won’t be quiet. The thoughts won’t go away but I don’t know if I want them to because if they go then it means I’m still here and I’m really struggling with that
My team are trying to help me but I just can’t get a grip 😔 😭

I'm sorry to hear that things are so difficult at the moment for you. How was today?

It wasn’t so good, saw OT but she was worried that I wasn’t in the a good space to try groups etc that maybe I need to just take it a day at a time.

Spoke to my friend tonight but it didn’t matter what I said I just felt dismissed, stupid for feeling this way, for letting simple things get to me.

I just don’t see the point anymore, they say talk about it, talk to your friends, talk to us but it feels like when I do no ones interested. Maybe I’m not saying it right, it has to be my fault doesn’t it? If no one else is hearing me I must be doing someone wrong.
I’m tired of crying over silly things, I just feel sad all the time wish my dad had killed me when he had the chance 😭

Sorry that yesterday was so tough, you sound like you are struggling to find people to support you at the moment. Did the OT suggest any 1:1 work at all if you are not ready for groups? Are they in the community?

She said that she wasn’t sure if I was in the right head space for anything yet so maybe waiting til after Christmas would be better.

I’m so tired of being here, I wish I could just close my eyes and never open them.
I feel like I can’t grt anything right, even the dentist she says she can’t help me anymore so I have to be referred to the dental hospital, I feel so useless 😭

When does it stop being so hard?